


Emergency Procedures

by SageOfMudora



Series: The Monotreme Memoirs [6]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-21
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-10 10:54:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 53,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/465469
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SageOfMudora/pseuds/SageOfMudora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perry the Platypus receives a late night summons and rushes to help the Doofenshmirtz family in their time of need. Takes place after "Family Night" but can be read independently.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Summons

**-Bzzzzz-**

Perry was momentarily disoriented as he woke with a start, but he quickly reached forward to silence his communicator before the noise could bother the sleeping boy with whom he was currently cuddling. It was a cold January night, and Perry pulled the covers up carefully around the child's shoulders before sneaking out of bed. Why did these late night calls always interrupt his quality time with Ferb? Perry stopped in the doorway to give his boys one last glance before exiting the room and heading down the stairs to find a quiet entrance to his lair.

Keeping an eye open for signs of the teenage girl who sometimes raided the fridge in the dark of night, Perry slipped into the living room. He found an entrance inside a potted plant and was soon sliding toward his underground base.

Perry wondered what kind of mission Monogram had for him this time. Late night calls were very rarely related to Heinz Doofenshmirtz. The scientist might toss and turn all night, but he usually at least _tried_ to get to bed at a decent hour. He was even less likely to try a late night scheme when Vanessa was staying with him.

Vanessa would normally be with her mother on a Sunday night. However, Charlene had gotten remarried on Saturday and was on a three week honeymoon. While Sam and Charlene Helms were on their Jamaican cruise, the teen would be staying with her father. Though Charlene's remarriage had put Heinz in a bit of a funk, he was overjoyed to spend three uninterrupted weeks with his little girl.

"It looks like I'll get more than one school night after all!" Heinz had proclaimed when he told Perry the news. The scientist had then quickly reassured the platypus that he had been extremely helpful on that November evening, and that making the _first_ school night memorable was just as important.

Perry was looking forward to having three weeks of lighter schemes to foil. He hoped this new mission wouldn't mess with his plans.

Perry landed in his chair with a thud and turned his attention to the screen. A tired Carl was looking down at the Agent, and Perry had to hide his surprise that the Major wasn't standing there with him. It was peculiar for the young intern to call on his own.

"Oh there you are, Agent P!" the redhead's voice broke a bit. "At 11:49 PM, the OWCA received a distress signal. Major Monogram had already gone home for the evening, and I was about to clock out. We're lucky to have intercepted the message."

A Distress Signal? Perry wished the Intern would skip the back story and get to the heart of the message.

"Well, I guess it wasn't so much "intercepting a distress _signal_ " as it was "receiving a distressed _phone call_ ". Still though, there was distress! But she refuses to speak with anyone but you. I had to call Major Monogram's house and wake him up to receive the clearance to deliver the message."

Good grief. Perry had no idea who would be calling the Agency to request his help in the middle of the night, but he still resented all the red tape. It was now 12:30 AM; the distressed lady had been waiting almost an hour before the mission briefing had even began. Perry chattered to speed the process. He hoped to be back in Ferb's bed by the time the children got up to go to school.

"Alright, Agent P. We just need to reset the connection. Miss Doofenshmirtz should be on the line shortly."

Miss Doofenshmirtz? But why would Vanessa...

There was a click, and then a familiar voice came from a speaker to his left.

"Hello? Perry the Platypus? Perry, are you there?" The monotreme could hear the tension and worry in her voice. He chattered.

"Oh, Perry! I thought they would never get you!" The girl paused and took a deep breath. "I didn't know if calling you would be the right thing to do, and I was beginning to really regret it. I didn't want to bother you, but I thought you might want to know. I don't know if I can do this alone!"

She was rambling enough to put Heinz to shame; obviously something terrible had happened. Perry chattered gently to calm her and pull her on track.

"Perry, something happened to Dad. I don't know what's wrong with him! He was fine when I went to bed! He said he wanted to stay up a little while to work on a few traps. When I got up later to get a drink I noticed he hadn't come back from the lab and I went to check on him. I... I found him lying on the floor. I don't know if he had a heart attack or if something went wrong with an -Inator or what, the EMT's and doctors won't tell me anything!"

Perry's mind was numb. Now more than ever Perry wished he could speak. He couldn't express the emotions he wanted to convey to the poor child with a chatter over a phone line. She couldn't even see him to read his body language.

Perry chattered anyway. He figured Vanessa needed to hear _something_.

Vanessa chocked back a sob and almost whispered, "How could this happen, Perry? Dad's a resilient guy! He blows up all the time! I never thought anything could really hurt him."

Silence. Even if Perry could talk, he wouldn't know what to say. Aside from those few times when the monotreme had been forced to step in and save the scientist from some unintentional effect of a scheme, Perry had always viewed Heinz's longevity the same way Vanessa did. Heinz was a tenacious man with villain-immunity. Perry had always expected Heinz to outlive him by at least thirty years.

"I called Mom, but even _if_ she and Sam get off the cruise and catch the soonest flight they can't be here until late tomorrow. Uncle Roger is out of town at some conference, and Oma Doofenshmirtz said she might stop by to visit tomorrow if she has the time."

"I'm scared, Perry. I'm all alone here. Well, I wish I was alone. Norm is here, but he's making it worse. The doctors won't tell me anything. I've been sitting alone in this room for over an hour, and I think I'm losing my mind!"

Perry chattered at the girl. He had decided the moment she mentioned Heinz was in the hospital that he wanted to go wait with her. Now was the time to find where she was so that they could speak in person.

"Oh, are you coming?" Perry chattered in the affirmative.

"We're in Tri-State Regional Hospital. I'm in a private room by the ER."

Perry nodded, then remembered that Vanessa couldn't see him and chattered again. The teen thanked him before ending the call.

"Agent P?" Perry had forgotten that Carl was still there. "Don't worry about your family, Agent P. If you aren't back by morning I can rig the 'Perry' robot to take your place. They aren't likely to notice if they're busy getting ready for school."

Perry nodded his head in thanks before turning and climbing into his hover-car. Normally the idea of using a robot to fool his boys would be abhorrent to Perry, but this was an emergency. Making sure Heinz and Vanessa were okay was more important than one ordinary school morning with the Flynn-Fletchers.

There were two hospitals in Danville: Tri-State Union and Tri-State Regional. Union was famous for it's modern environment, friendly staff, and world-renown physicians. Perry knew that both Candace and Phineas had been born there, and Phineas had had his appendix removed there as well. Regional, on the other hand, was in an older building in need of repair. This hospital was known for the rudeness of it's staff, the long waits for attention, and for the occasional mistakes made in diagnosing problems and prescribing the correct medication.

Of course the ambulance would take Heinz to Regional.

Alone in his hover car, Perry was forced to sort through his many emotions. First was worry. Heinz might be his nemesis, but he was also Perry's closest friend. If Perry had been told three years ago that the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz would become something of a companion or comrade in addition to respected adversary, he would not have believed it for one minute. But feelings change over time, and the friendship of Heinz Doofenshmirtz was something of an acquired taste. Perry wasn't sure how he would cope without the friend who made him feel like a proper human being.

He was also worried for Vanessa. Waiting for news and suffering through the uncertainty of any emergency was excruciating. No sixteen year old child should have to face it alone.

Perry also felt angry. Some of his anger was an irrational hatred of the situation, but he was also angry at the majority of the Doofenshmirtz family. Heinz's mother bore the brunt of Perry's rage. Her neglect was inexcusable, and the platypus couldn't understand her lack of feelings for her oldest child. Even if she was apathetic to Heinz's needs, she should have gone to the hospital to support her granddaughter.

Then came Roger and Charlene. It made sense that neither could be there right away; both were out of town and would have to cancel plans. But Vanessa had made it sound like her uncle had chosen to stay for the remainder of the conference, and that there was the possibility Charlene wouldn't catch the _soonest_ flight. 

Perry's family might see him as a pet, but they genuinely loved him.

This led back to Perry's confusion and uncertainty. The concerns about Heinz's welfare. The doubts about the medical staff's ineptitude. His insecurities about the workings of the Universe, and why things happened when they did. As his hover-car made the long trek to the hospital on the far side of town, Perry found himself wondering what could have gone wrong.


	2. An Arrival and a Departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry the Platypus rushes to the hospital to wait for news with Vanessa, he reflects on Heinz’s most recent scheme and wonders what could have gone wrong.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz’s evil schemes typically fell into one of four categories.

First, there were the serious schemes. Legitimate bids for power over the Tri-State Area that Perry could tell had been in development for weeks or months. Though rare, these high stakes missions kept the platypus on his toes.

Then there were the petty revenge schemes. These often involved righting childhood wrongs, harassing Roger, or ridding the town of something Heinz considered an annoyance. Typically the scientist would include “taking over the Tri-State Area” as an additional goal, but this was usually a far fetched notion.

Sometimes Heinz would develop a fun scheme. He would have an idea that entertained or amused him and carry out this plan under the pretense of being evil. The most memorable example in Perry’s mind was the day Heinz had turned himself into a platypus. He didn’t actually have a _scheme_ that day, not really; he had merely hoped to spend an afternoon interacting with Perry on the monotreme’s level.

The final type was Perry’s least favorite. These were the depressed schemes, the filler schemes, the “for lack of anything better to do” schemes. Some days, Heinz would need something - _anything_ \- to distract him from his thoughts and memories. Heinz could take the stupidest ideas and use them as a way to forget about reality and immerse himself in something he could make with his mind and his hands. These -Inators ranged from the mediocre to the ridiculous and, though Heinz would usually list “taking over the Tri-State Area” as his primary goal, it was obvious he didn’t really expect to succeed.

Once in a while an -Inator was so pathetic that Perry had trouble finding the motivation to thwart the scientist; it took remembering the disaster with the whales for Perry to put a stop to those schemes. No use making Heinz more depressed than he already was, the monotreme had decided. Sometimes Perry felt as though Heinz’s main objective on these days was to find a reason for Major Monogram to send his nemesis over.

Even if Perry thwarted and ran, Heinz took comfort in knowing that he hadn’t been alone all day.

As he flew toward the hospital, Perry reflected on Heinz’s most recent scheme. The last time they had fought had been the day of Charlene’s wedding. Perry had arrived at the DEI Building expecting a depressed scheme, and he had been right. The Automotive-Air-Freshener-Remove-Inator had been disappointing, but after the thwarting Perry made sure to stick around and keep the man’s mind off the wedding. They had caught up on their soaps and eaten an entire gallon of Rocky Road by the time Perry returned home. 

That was the last time Perry had seen Heinz.

Heinz had stayed clear of the ceremony, and Perry was grateful. The Flynn-Fletcher family had been in attendance, and Perry wouldn’t have wanted to show his face and risk being discovered. It seemed as though Perry had heard nothing but tales of the wedding since he had left Heinz’s house on Saturday. Candace was obsessing over catching the bouquet, Phineas had been inspired by the Light Show and had become determined to make an even better one on their next day off, and Ferb had carried Perry into a private corner of the house to cuddle and sort through his feelings for Vanessa.

Ferb had thought the teen looked exquisitely beautiful in her long black evening gown, and apparently they had shared a few friendly dances. The child’s biggest concern was Vanessa’s confession that she had a secret boyfriend. Perry was impressed with Ferb’s maturity when the boy showed few signs of being jealous of Monty Monogram; like Perry, his biggest concern was that she was sneaking about at night without telling anyone where she was. That, and her willingness to put trust in ‘enemies.’ It seemed Vanessa had mentioned in passing that she had received help from her father’s nemesis, and Ferb thought that trusting someone who was _openly_ her father’s enemy sounded dangerous. 

Oh, the secrets Perry was forced to keep from the people he loved.

Perry desperately hoped that Heinz was okay.

Finally! Perry reached his destination and parked his hover-car in a dark corner of the roof before repelling down the wall and entering the front door.

Perry hated hospitals. The strong smell of bleach mingled with human waste assaulted his sensitive nostrils, and his keen ears were filled with the sounds of crying, moaning, and nurses barking orders at each other. Perry had finally admitted to himself that he was a germophobe, though he still refused to take Monogram’s suggestion of attending Germophobics Anonymous. Just thinking about MRSA, Tuberculosis, and all the other diseases probably floating around made him nauseous.

He tried to shake off the irrational fears. The monotreme was needed, and he couldn’t let these anxieties stop him from being where he was needed.

No one on staff seemed to notice Perry, so he wandered through the halls around the ER looking for Vanessa on his own. It didn’t take long to hear a familiar robotic voice. When Perry found Vanessa, she was in the middle of an argument with Norm.

“WE NEVER HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO PLAY CATCH!”

“Norm, he’ll be fine…”

“NOW I TRULY AM AN ORPHAN!”

“No, no you’re not! He’s fine, he isn’t-“

“DO YOU THINK YOUR MOTHER WILL TAKE ME IN AS ONE OF HER OWN?”

“She won’t need to, Norm! Dad isn’t dead! He’s- _Perry_!” The girl had spotted him, and relief was evident in her face.

Being alone with her fears while Norm spoke of her father in the past tense for almost two hours had really shaken Vanessa. She jumped up from her chair and collapsed onto her knees in front of Perry, grabbing him in a tight hug while leaving his webbed feet on the floor. Perry returned the hug and patted the girl on the back as she calmed down and fought her tears.

Eventually she let go and smiled down at the platypus gently. Perry looked up at her, and Vanessa seemed to be able to read the questions in his eyes.

“No, we still haven’t heard anything. No one has even come to check on us since I last spoke with you.”

Perry nodded, and tried to remind himself that no news was good news. He gestured for the teen to return to her seat (he didn’t need her catching fatal diseases on the hospital floor on top of everything else) and hopped into a vacant chair next to her. Vanessa was digging her elbows into her knees and had placed her chin in the palms of her hands. Perry turned to face her.

“Perry, what if he isn’t alright? What if he doesn’t get better?” Perry patted her knee. “The last thing I did before it happened was tease him. He was making a trap for you out of my old high chair, and I told him you would find it humiliating and that he was weird. The last thing I said to him was, ‘You’re really weird, Dad.’”

Vanessa was crying softly now. “When I got up later and walked past his bedroom, I thought it was weird that he wasn’t in there. So I went up to the lab and he was… he was just… he was lying there on the floor, with the high chair across his stomach… not moving… not responding… unconscious…”

Perry may have felt helpless and been worried almost to the point of numbness, but he was determined to remain the strong, stoic platypus the Doofenshmirtz family needed right now. Though panic could still be seen behind his brown eyes by an astute viewer, his facial expressions stayed calm and reassuring. He wanted Vanessa to understand that she hadn’t done anything wrong, that Heinz didn’t mind some light teasing, that he himself gave crueler looks of judgement almost every day, and that her father was going to make a full recovery.

In that moment, Perry would have given almost anything to be back in the DEI Building, trapped in a pink high chair as Heinz rambled about his latest ridiculous idea.

Whatever the teen had read into his facial expressions, she seemed comforted. She whispered, “Thanks, Perry.” before they entered another short silence that was interrupted by Norm lamenting the fact that Heinz had never completed his Popsicle stick bride.

“Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkr.”

“IF YOU THINK IT WOULD BE FOR THE BEST!” Norm stood up, and began heading for the exit.

“Wait, you’re leaving?” Vanessa was confused.

“PERRY THE PLATYPUS JUST WISHED THAT I WOULD LEAVE AND STOP WORRYING PEOPLE!”

Vanessa and Perry looked at Norm in shock.

“You… you can understand him?”

“OF COURSE! I HAVE A BUILT IN UNIVERSAL TRANSLATOR!” And the robot man was gone.

Perry wondered if he could talk Heinz into letting him borrow Norm’s instruction manual if the scientist ever got around to reading it himself.

Perry wondered if he would ever have an opportunity to ask.

“If you want, I can keep it quiet from Dad that Norm can do that.” Vanessa’s offer startled Perry. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to do with this new information. “I don’t think it would change things even if he knew. He wouldn’t want Norm butting in all the time, and you not talking has never, ever bothered him. But I’ll keep quiet, just in case.”

Perry nodded gratefully, and the two fell into another uncomfortable silence; the excruciating long wait for news continued.


	3. Boiling Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry and Vanessa have been waiting for news of Heinz's condition for hours, and the agitation is getting on both of their nerves. If something doesn't give, one of them is likely to snap...

The ticking clock on the off-white wall of the private waiting room seemed to mock Perry and Vanessa as they waited for news of Heinz's condition. No one had come to see them since Perry's arrival forty-five minutes earlier, and the monotreme was becoming agitated. He was beginning to wonder if they had been forgotten.

The ringing of Vanessa's cell phone startled them. Vanessa stood and walked to the opposite side of the room to take the call, but Perry could still hear everything she said and Vanessa didn't seem to mind.

"Hey, mom."

"No, nothing yet. Do you know when you're coming home?"

"No, no I'm not alone. I'm with Dad's... _friend_."

"I guess that's fine. Just let me know when you make a decision."

"Yeah, I'll call you when I have news."

"Alright, Mom. I love you, too. Bye."

Vanessa returned to her seat and groaned in frustration.

"Oh, Perry. For a man who drives truck for Charitable Charities, Sam can be really uptight."

"Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkr?"

"Mom and Sam are having their first fight as a married couple." The teen looked very irritated, and she gritted her teeth as she continued. "Mom wants to get off the cruise and come home as soon as possible, but Sam thinks it's weird to end a three-week honeymoon on the second night to visit your ex in the hospital."

"When I first called Mom, they had me on speaker phone. Mom said they'd be here right away, but Sam got mad. 'She'll be seventeen this summer, she can take care of herself for a while' he said. I think they forgot I was on the line eventually; they were fighting over whether Mom would pay for the hospital bill and then they started talking about the Alimony, and..." The girl paused to take a deep breath, and Perry patted her hand.

"Sam has never liked Dad. He thinks Dad is taking advantage of Mom financially. Well, I guess he kind of _is_. But Mom could easily take him to court and have the size of those Alimony checks greatly reduced, she just doesn't want to do that. And she could turn down those calls for "loans" he never pays back, but she doesn't. I think she takes pity on him. It makes Sam mad, though. He doesn't seem to want Mom to communicate with Dad for any reason at all, unless it is something directly related to me."

"So now Mom is in between a rock and a hard place. She doesn't love Dad anymore, but she does care about him. She wants to come be with me and see that he is okay. But at the same time, she doesn't want to do something so early into her new marriage that might damage the relationship beyond repair. I think they'll end up compromising by coming home a week or two early."

Perry felt sorry for Vanessa. He didn't know much about Sam, but he knew Charlene should have more sense than to burden her daughter with her newlywed woes when Vanessa was already so worried about her father.

Perry wished every step-father could be as wonderful and understanding as Lawrence Fletcher.

"Don't get the wrong idea, Perry. Sam is a nice enough guy, I guess. He's not a control freak or anything; he isn't _forcing_ Mom to do things. He's just expressing his stupid opinions, and Mom doesn't want to upset him."

More silence. Every few minutes, Vanessa would bring up a new topic for them to discuss. They talked a bit about school, and the wedding, and how things were going with Monty Monogram. None of these subjects were able to hold their attention for more than a few minutes, though, and the pair would again be lost in their thoughts.

It was almost 3:00 in the morning when a nurse finally came to talk with them. She was thin with dark hair, and Perry recognized her as a part of the mob that had followed Heinz to City Hall last summer when an -Inator accident had made the scientist unusually handsome. She looked gruff, irritated, and tired in the wee hours of the morning.

"What is your name again, young lady?" the nurse asked.

Vanessa looked equally gruff, irritated, and tired. "Doofenshmirtz. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz. My Dad came in a bit before midnight?"

"My shift is supposed to be over, but I can't leave until the staff has sorted out a tiny mix up. We're going to need you to help ID the patient."

"What is _that_ supposed to mean?" Vanessa sounded both angry and scared. She stood up and walked toward the nurse.

"We had two heart attack patients come in tonight around the same time, and we've lost track of who is who. You are the only family here to see either of them, so I need you to help me determine who is James Kingston and who is Hans Dooferschmidt."

"It is _Doofenshmirtz_! _Heinz Doofenshmirtz!_ And how could you lose track of two people?! Is that why we've been waiting so long? Because you didn't want to tell us that you _misplaced_ my _Dad_?! This is so-" Vanessa stopped mid rant, then asked more calmly, "Are they both okay?"

"One man went into cardiac arrest shortly after arrival and is no longer with us. The other is still unconscious, but should make a full recovery. We expect he'll be waking up within the next ten minutes."

Perry had heard horror stories about this hospital all his life, but he was still shocked and angry at the terrible way the late night staff was handling the situation. Letting people worry for hours because they were afraid to ask about an identity? Telling them what had happened to both patients, rather than waiting to confirm the identity and giving only the relevant diagnosis? The deplorable bedside manner? These people had better hope that Perry was in a good mood tomorrow, and that he would do nothing worse than send a strongly worded letter.

Perry found himself desperately hoping that it was Heinz who was healing, Heinz that had survived. The part of him that had sworn an oath to protect the innocent civilians of Danville felt guilty for this, and Perry had to force those emotions to the back. He could evaluate his morals after he knew what had happened to Heinz.

"So, is my Dad..." Vanessa said after a small moment of silence.

"That depends. Is Doofenmerch the good-looking redheaded man with broad shoulders, or is he the out of shape guy with a big pointed nose who came in a lab coat?" The nonchalance in her voice and the harsh description bothered Perry. When Heinz had been made ridiculously handsome, she had been more than willing to make him her Supreme Leader. Now it seemed she couldn't care less if he was alive or dead. Her biggest concern was sorting through the identity mix up so that she could go home.

"Lab coat! Dad was the man in a lab coat!"

"Really? That surprises me. Pretty little girl like you, I thought for sure you'd be related to the-"

" _TELL ME ABOUT MY DAD!_ "

The nurse had the audacity to look offended at the outburst. "Calm down, young lady. The lab coat man is fine. If you want I can take you to his room; you might get there before he wakes up."

Vanessa and Perry gave a sob and chatter of relief, respectively. It was then that the nurse seemed to notice the monotreme for the first time. She gave a startled little scream.

"Yuck! What is this animal doing here? This is a hospital, young lady! We're trying to maintain a sterile environment! You need to leave your beaver outside."

"Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkr."

"He's not a beaver; he's a platypus. And he isn't an animal. Well, technically I guess he is, but he's practically a person. Perry came to visit Dad. He's sophisticated. Probably more so than you."

The nurse didn't seem to care for Vanessa's insult. When Perry handed her a pamphlet on the rights of OWCA Agents to enter normally pet-free zones, she ignored it and tossed it to the ground. The ruckus seemed to be drawing a crowd as various members of the staff started congregating in the doorway.

"It is going to have to leave. We only allow blood relatives and spouses to visit critical patients, and we can't have a disgusting animal dirtying up the place!"

"Oh right, because this place is _so clean_!" In a fit of rage, Vanessa turned and stepped up onto an end table, knocking a collection of old magazines to the floor. Now elevated, she began to address her startled audience.

"Alright, listen up! I am sick and tired of the way Dad, Perry and I have been treated tonight!"

"Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkr!" Perry chattered, trying to calm the girl down, begging her to step off the table.

"Let me handle this, Perry. I need to get a few things out of my system!" There was a fiery determination in her eyes; all the signs of weariness she had shown earlier were gone, replaced by a burning anger and a need to release steam. Her worries and frustrations from the evening were finally boiling over, and Perry realized futilely that there was nothing he could do to prevent this eruption. His usual method of stopping someone from doing something rash or stupid was a punch in the face, and that clearly wasn't an option here.

Vanessa turned her attention back to the Regional Staff.

"We've been ignored, mislabeled, and insulted! Seriously, we spent over three hours worried sick before you could be bothered to clear things up and give us some news! What kind of hospital is this?"

"And then you have the _nerve_ to try to send Perry away? He's clearly not a normal platypus. He's clearly sentient. He's standing upright, wearing a hat, handing out pamphlets and everything! And he's obviously worried about my Dad. Other than me, Perry's the only person Dad really considers family. He's not a blood relative or a spouse, but it's true. You don't need a piece of paper or a family tree to care about somebody! And what gives you people the right to define what a family is, anyway?"

"Young lady, that animal-"

"Don't you 'young lady' me! You people don't seem to realize who you're dealing with! I'm no pushover. I'm no doormat. I don't let people tell me what to do. I'm Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, and you can't walk all over me!"

"And then there's Perry. He's a Secret Agent. Legitimately. He might be two feet tall, but _dang it_ I've seen him do some pretty amazing things! He's ridiculously strong, he's got lots of cool spy gadgets, and he's saved all of your lives more times than you can count!"

"But we're not the ones you should be worried about. Oh no. You know that man back there, the one whose identity you forgot? That is Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz, and he is an _evil scientist_. He might look frail and weak right now, but he's the most resilient person I know! He'll be back to normal in no time! And when he's recovered, you had better hope you are on his good side! He's nice to those who are nice to him! But if you cross him, you'll go right to the top of his revenge list!"

"So if he were to hear about the way you've been treating his daughter and his... Perry, he'd stop at nothing to ruin this hospital! And his inventions _always_ work. In fact, the only person that would stand between you and my father's evil invention would be the platypus you're trying to throw out. And maybe he won't be that motivated to help you!"

Genuine chills ran down Perry's spine, and many staff members were quivering. An angry Vanessa Doofenshmirtz gave Buford Van Stomm a run for his money in the challenge for the title of "Most Intimidating Person in the Tri-State Area." While Perry certainly didn't approve of the young girl yelling at hospital workers and making angry threats, a part of him was filled with an odd sort of pride that he was ashamed for feeling. Pride because Perry knew her father would have considered this angry rant an act of evil, and the scientist's delight in his little girl's actions would have been beyond measure.

"So, you had better show us some respect!" Vanessa added before stepping off the end table. Now that her anger had gone down she looked a bit embarrassed at her actions. The staff didn't seem to notice, however. They were giving the teen a wide berth, and Perry suspected she would get anything she wanted for the rest of her stay.

Finally, a different nurse spoke. "You both can go to his room, if you want. He's in the cardiovascular ward down the hall. Room 118."

Vanessa gave a curt "Thank you," and she and Perry left the waiting room, leaving a clearly shaken staff in their wake.

Alone in the hallway, Vanessa avoided Perry's eyes. After a moment she seemed to decide that they needed to talk. "Look, Perry. I know that was probably embarrassing for you, and there were probably lots of better ways to handle the situation. But I was so mad, and I needed them to know how terrible they were being!"

Perry gave a non-committal nod. She should not have behaved that way, but the monotreme could understand why she had done so. He didn't want to discipline her, but he didn't want to encourage those types of actions either. 

"I know I made Dad sound way cooler than he really is, but I figured I owed him that after I told him he was weird earlier. And I know you wouldn't actually let him do anything to the hospital, but I wanted them to be a bit scared of Dad. They're going to pamper him and be such suck ups the rest of the time Dad's here; you know he'll love that."

Perry nodded curtly. Heinz probably would appreciate that. Heinz... Perry hoped the staff was right, and that the scientist really would make a full recovery. Because of the nurse and Vanessa's argument, Perry had never heard a full diagnosis of what had happened. There had been mention of a heart attack, but the monotreme couldn't be sure there hadn't been other issues or complications.

Perry and Vanessa arrived in front of Room 118. They gave each other one last glance and took a deep breath before Vanessa opened the door, apprehension of what they would find gripping them both.


	4. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After several excruciating hours of waiting, Vanessa and Perry the Platypus are finally able to see the recovering scientist.

As they entered Room 118 together, Perry was startled to feel the teenage girl reach for his hand. He squeezed a finger assuredly as the pair walked further into the dark room. The nearest bed was empty, and a curtain was drawn around the bed near the window. The monotreme could smell various chemicals and hear the electronic noise that marked each beating of Heinz’s heart. It was a slow, yet reassuring sound.

Perry and Vanessa crossed the room, and the girl reached out a trembling hand to pull the curtain aside. She thrust the fabric out of the way and gave a small gasp as she looked down at her father in the bed. From his low vantage point right next to the creme-colored plastic bed legs, the monotreme couldn’t see his nemesis.

He was about to start searching for something he could use to gain height when Vanessa let go of his hand. Before he could protest, she lifted him into the air and sat him gently on the edge of the little hospital bed, about six inches down from Heinz’s right hand. Perry didn’t usually appreciate being picked up as a means of “help” in the height department by people other than the Flynn-Fletchers, but what he saw in front of him drove any potential indignation out of his mind.

Heinz… Heinz was… Perry had never seen the man look so frail and helpless. He was pale and looked especially thin. Clear oxygen tubes were sticking out of his long nose, and several IVs were protruding from the arm nearest Perry. The monotreme couldn’t tell if he was unconscious or sleeping, and he didn’t fully understand the difference between the two. Either way, Heinz looked uneasy, and his breathing was labored. The beating of his heart was slow, but a little erratic.

Perry had seen Heinz Doofenshmirtz in some _very_ vulnerable situations, but nothing like this. Never anything as bad as this.

Perry and Vanessa stood and stared at the scientist for several long moments. Both were afraid to touch him, irrationally worried that they might disturb the cords on the IV Drips or somehow break him permanently. In this moment his skin seemed unusually delicate, his bones seemed exceptionally breakable, and it seemed as though any noise could startle his troubled heart and kill him for good.

They were still staring at Heinz in silence and disbelief when the brave nurse who had given them the room number entered. She hesitated near the door until Vanessa turned toward her, uncertainty and worry obvious in the teen’s facial expression.

“He was sedated earlier so that he could undergo a few procedures. He should be waking soon, but everyone reacts to the medication in different ways. You can talk to him if you want; that often helps people come out of it faster.”

Vanessa moved to the other side of the bed and watched as the woman walked over to check the data on the monitor, but Perry was having trouble taking his eyes off his nemesis. The monotreme gazed down at the man’s face, willing his blue eyes to open and watching for any sign of distress. He listened to Vanessa’s soft conversation with the nurse as he silently kept guard over his dear foe.

“My name is Hikari. My shift started just fifteen minutes ago, so I’ll be here to help you for the next six hours. I’m so sorry for what happened to you tonight.”

“Is… is he really going to be okay?”

“He should be. This was his first heart attack, and he’s on the young end of average for this kind of thing. Our tests indicate that he has had high blood pressure that has gone untreated for several years. Once he’s further out of the danger zone we plan to discuss other habits and anxieties that may have potentially caused this.”

Perry wished the nursing staff good luck with that. He had known Heinz for _years_ and still didn’t know all of the anxieties and tragic back stories that had likely contributed to this day.

“I’ll leave you two alone with him for awhile as he wakes. Remember that you can’t use mobile devices in this area, for it could mess with the machines. Press the emergency button if you need me. He might be groggy or delusional at first, but he’ll fully regain consciousness soon. Don’t forget to talk to him. I can almost guarantee he’ll wake up faster if you do.” Hikari the nurse left the room and was gone.

Vanessa turned her attention back to her father. She seemed to hesitate, and Perry gave her a smile and an encouraging nod. He felt it only appropriate that Vanessa talk to her father first.

“…Dad? Hey Dad, can you hear me? Dad, can you… Daddy?” In the three years Perry had known the Doofenshmirtz family, he had never heard Vanessa call Heinz “Daddy” before.

Vanessa continued to speak in her soothing voice, and gently took hold of her father’s hand. After a few minutes the man started to stir, encouraging the girl to continue with more fervor and filling the platypus with a hope that maybe things could be okay again. It was then that Vanessa started softly singing a German lullaby. Perry had never heard the song before, and he assumed it was something Heinz had sang to her as a young child. The song inspired a strong reaction in Heinz. He began to mumble something in his native tongue, and his thumb was now lightly caressing his daughter’s hand.

“It’s alright, Daddy. I’m here. Perry’s here. We’re right here, Daddy. Please wake up,” Vanessa said softly when she was done singing, and Heinz mumbled something else that neither Perry nor the teen could quite make out. The girl kept talking, and Heinz kept responding. Though his voice was growing steadily stronger, it was still not possible to decipher what he meant.

“You’re going to be okay. You just need to wake up for us, alright?” At this point Heinz made an odd grunt and Vanessa gave Perry a mildly stern look, asking him to help her. “You can do it, Dad. You can wake up!”

“Krkrkrkrkrkrkr.” Perry chattered.

“Da Platypus…”

That was the first intelligible thing they heard the scientist say. Perry was taken aback, but Vanessa was grinning from ear to ear, and wiping tears from her eyes with her free hand.

“He’s coming around, Perry! Come on, Dad. You can do it. You can beat this, Daddy.”

“Krkrkrkrkrkrkr!”

“Daddy!”

“Humrmph. Pumkin. Anessa, is tha you?”

“YES! Yes, Daddy, it’s me. I’m right here. Right here.”

“Where… where are we, Anessa… Nessa…”

“We’re at the hospital. I’m here, you’re here, Perry the Platypus is here.”

“Perry the Platypuuuuus…” Heinz mumbled, and he slowly opened his eyes and smiled at his little girl. “Vanessaaaa…”

“Hey, Dad.” Heinz and Vanessa looked at each other for a brief moment before Vanessa broke into tears and bent to envelop him in a big hug. Heinz slowly moved his IV-less arm so that it was wrapped around Vanessa’s waist, and they held onto each other as tightly as they could without disturbing the medical instruments. Heinz still looked disoriented and obviously had no idea what had happened to him, but at the moment he seemed more concerned with comforting the young girl crying into his shoulder. Perry took a few steps back on the bed to give them a respectful distance.

“It’s alright, Baby Girl. Daddy’s right here.”

“Yes, yes you are…” Vanessa’s crying grew louder.

As the father and daughter continued to embrace and take comfort in the other’s presence, Perry was overwhelmed with emotions. Joy at seeing Heinz awake and in his right mind, a deep affection for the two dysfunctional people before him who truly loved each other despite their squabbles, a lingering concern about the health and longevity of the 47 year old man, and an uncertainty about the future of their nemesis-ship.

As Perry watched his nemesis, his “enemy,” hug his beloved daughter, the monotreme couldn’t help but notice how pale the man was still. How small and defenseless he looked in his hospital gown. How tired and exhausted the man appeared to be.

How was Perry supposed to fight this man? The level of enjoyment they got out of fighting with one another had always been one of the healthiest parts of their relationship; even in those first few months when Perry had refused to socialize with the evil scientist, they had both eagerly looked forward to each battle encounter. How could Perry punch him in the face, or whip him with his tail, or do anything that might hurt the man after seeing him like this? Even if Heinz made a full recovery, Perry would always have this image burned into his mind and worry about overexerting the scientist.

Perry wasn’t a fickle nemesis. He wasn’t going to abandon Heinz at the first sign of trouble; he would be willing to learn to thwart without resorting to physical violence. Anything to make sure he didn’t _actually_ hurt or accidentally kill Heinz. But he would miss their hand-to-tail combat, and he knew Heinz would miss it, too. Heinz would lament the loss just as much, if not more, than Perry did.

“Hey now, what’s with the faaace?”

It took Perry a moment to realize that Heinz was talking to him. He was still holding Vanessa, who was now taking deep breaths and only barely crying, but he was looking over at the monotreme. Perry took a few steps forward, and quickly tried to maintain the composure he hadn’t realized he had lost. He wanted to look as calm and poised as usual.

When Perry saw Heinz’s slight grin, he knew all of his efforts to look stoic and unconcerned were fruitless. He decided to smile softly instead.

“I’m glad to see you too, Perry the Platypus.” The man had always had the uncanny ability to read Perry like a book.

Heinz’s free arm was filled with several IVs, but he lifted it slightly and reached out toward his nemesis. Perry understood Heinz’s unspoken desire immediately. He walked closer to Heinz, sat down in the crevice between the safety bars on the edge of the bed and Heinz’s waist, and gripped the man’s forefinger with his paws. Heinz gently closed his fist, and the two were holding hands as closely as a human and a platypus could.

The three of them remained like that for awhile, Heinz laying in the bed hugging his little girl with one arm and holding his nemesis’ hand with the other. Eventually he asked, “Sooo, how did we get here?”

At this, Vanessa finally stood upright again. She smiled down at her father as she straitened her black blouse and hair. She took her father’s other hand as she began her story.

“You had a heart attack in your lab, Dad. You’re really lucky I went up there and found you! I called 911, but one of the EMTs got caught in one of Perry’s traps and they wouldn’t listen to me about the release switch. We’re at Regional, by the way. They said it was because emergency protocol dictated that they take certain cases to the nearest hospital regardless of a family member’s request, but I think maybe they were just mad about the trap.”

“I’m thankful you keep the OWCA’s number on the fridge, because that is what I used to contact Perry. It took awhile for the message to get to him, but he hurried over as soon as he found out what had happened.”

“… So, everything is okay? I should be able to go home by, I don’t knooow, tomorrow maybe? Because I was really wanting to get to work on an-“

“Krkrkrkrkrkr.”

“We don’t know, Dad. They haven’t told us much, but it sounds like it might have been worse than a normal heart attack.” Vanessa frowned slightly.

“You know, I should probably go call Mom. I told her I’d let her know when we had news. She’ll want to know that you’re awake and talking. And I need to tell her to call the school in a few hours; there is no way I’m going in today.”

“Alright Pumpkin.” Heinz sounded enthusiastic, but he didn’t seem to want to let go of Vanessa’s hand.

“You take it easy, Dad. You need rest. I’ll be back in a bit. Maybe after I call Mom I’ll find some nurses to boss around. I need to make sure they don’t try to give you a roommate. We want privacy. Hmmm, and maybe I could get someone to send in some coffee…” The teen continued to contemplate possible demands as she left.

When Vanessa was gone, the wall Heinz had put up to encourage her fell. Heinz began to cry, and Perry tightened his grip on the man’s hand as he marveled at the courage it must have taken to act so happy and calm in front of the child. Perry wondered if the man was in pain, or only worried.

“Krkrkrkrkr?”

Alone with his nemesis, Heinz started rambling as he wept. “Oh, Perry the Platypus, what am I going to do?”


	5. Intimate Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scared and exhausted in the hospital room, Heinz Doofenshmirtz and Perry the Platypus have an intimate conversation. In times of crises, there are always some deeply personal secrets that need to be shared…

Alone with his nemesis, Heinz started rambling as he wept. “Oh, Perry the Platypus, what am I going to do?”

Heinz looked so small and defeated, almost like a child. His lip was quivering, and he was using the thin sheet to wipe his eyes with one hand as he gripped Perry's paws tightly in the other. Perry chattered softly and scooted a bit closer to his nemesis as he lightly massaged the man's palm and thumb. Now more than ever, the monotreme was a willing and eager listener for whatever Heinz needed to say.

"Perry the Platypus, is there something you are keeping secret from me? Maybe something Vanessa didn't even know? Is it really bad? Am I going to die?"

Perry quickly shook his head 'no' and gave a slight shrug of his shoulders as he continued to massage the hand he was holding. Heinz seemed to get the intent: You know everything I know.

"What about Vanessa? Is she really okay?"

Perry gave a solemn nod with a hint of a grin. He wanted Heinz to understand that, while Vanessa had gone through a rough time tonight, he would have been very proud of her. 

Heinz sighed. "I'm glad. She's a strong little gir- almost woman. You know, Perry the Platypus, one day soon she's going to be all grown up, and she'll go out on her own, and she'll make her own way and live her own life, and... and... she's going to be so much _better_ at life than I ever was."

Perry didn't know how to respond. Partly because the idea was bittersweet and seemed to make the man just as happy as it made him sad, and partly because it was probably true. Vanessa had been given so much more support and so many more opportunities. Her life was far from perfect, but she had known love from an early age. Poor Heinz's upbringing had ensured he never really had much of a chance. Her life probably would be more fulfilling than Heinz's. The monotreme himself didn't know if he should be happy or sad at the notion. Perhaps a mixture of both was appropriate.

Heinz took a deep breath. "I've never really thought about _dying_ before. I know, I knooow- I've been in plenty of situations where something almooost killed me. But you were always there and never let it happen, and it would have been my fault anyway. I'm talking about my body just ending on it's own. I've never really thought about my life just _ending_ for no real reason, just because my body gives up."

"I can understand an explosion, or suffocating in space, or falling from a really tall building, or being crushed, electrocuted, drowning, whatever. And it would be painful, but it would make sense. Honestly, I was probably being a dummkopf. But my body, on it's own when I'm not doing _anything_ just up and deciding, 'Heinz Doofenshmirtz has breathed his last' and quitting on me? Perry the Platypus, how am I supposed to prepare for that?!" Heinz started crying again.

Perry had never thought of it that way. He could see the man's point. Every time he went on a mission he accepted the possibility of death. Yes, if it happened it would probably be completely accidental- Perry knew that no matter what Heinz _said_ , his intent was never to kill or seriously injure- but there was still the possibility. And while Perry didn't want to die, he wasn't really afraid of dying in the line of duty. The possibility of an early demise was something that he had long accepted.

But now, Perry imagined a scenario five to ten years in the future. A scenario where he was old, and he passed away in his pet bed (or worse, one of his boys' beds!) in his sleep, leaving a corpse for his family to find. That he would be a cold, stiff, empty shell of a platypus for the Flynn-Fletchers to take to the OWCA Pet Cemetery or bury under the tree in the back yard at their own discretion. The platypus was shocked to learn that this image frightened him far more than being killed in action. It made less sense, and it was morbid. That a living, breathing body could grow old and die on it's own seemed bizarre and cruel. Perry was mildly frightened at this possibility.

The two sat together on the bed, holding hands while Perry stared at the pattern on the bedspread and Heinz tried to regain control of his tears. Both individuals lost in their own eerily similar thoughts.

"P... Perry the Platypus, if... if..." Perry looked into Heinz's eyes, encouraging the man to continue. "If, Perry the Platypus, something did happen to me, if something did happen to me and I was gone... could you... look after Vanessa for me?"

Perry's eyes widened in shock.

"I know what you're thinking. 'But Heinz, she has a mom and a step dad and friends, and she's almost grown up!' Just hear me out, Perry the Platypus. You might know her as a tough, resourceful young lady, but she's my _baby_. _My_ baby, Perry the Platypus! And there can't be too many people watching out for my little baby girl. I couldn't live with myself if something or someone hurt her, and if it happened because I died on her and wasn't there when she needed me..."

"I'm not saying you have to see her every day, or throw her birthday parties or anything. But could you check up on her from time to time, please? Please, Perry the Platypus, I need to know that someone who understands the connection she has with the Evil community through me is looking out for her. I need to know that someone I trust cares. Please?"

The monotreme understood completely. His children were resourceful people who could do almost anything. They could easily defend themselves and each other, and they had a loving network of supportive family and friends. Still Perry worried about their safety, and he would do anything to keep Candace, Ferb, or Phineas from coming to harm.

Perry nodded. Of course he would help Vanessa if something ever happened to her father. Heinz didn't really need to ask.

Heinz was now crying tears of gratitude. "Thank you, Perry the Platypus."

They smiled at each other in understanding, and Perry found he felt more calm than he had at any other point in the night. Why was that? 

It was then that both Heinz and Perry realized what they were subconsciously doing. At some point, Heinz had started petting the fur on Perry's back with the hand that wasn't holding the monotreme's paws. Strong yet gentle strokes that felt reassuring and so _good_.

Heinz had frozen, his hand staying in one place as he looked at his nemesis sheepishly, waiting for permission to continue and obviously concerned that he had crossed some boundary. Heinz was more than willing to stop, but it was obvious he didn't really want to quit. Perry didn't want him to stop, either. Feeling the scientist's hand in his fur was so calming, and it reinforced the fact that Heinz was alive and doing well.

Petting was so unprofessional and personal, and Perry knew that he probably shouldn't allow it to continue. But they were both so scared, and this was far from an ordinary encounter. Heinz had almost died. Perry then remembered an article he had read on pet therapy. Trainers would bring cats and dogs to visit sick people, and petting the animals caused them to heal faster. There: a legitimate scientific justification.

Perry gave Heinz a stern look, but smiled. A silent understanding passed between them. Petting was okay, for today, when they both needed the reassurance and peace it provided. But Heinz was not to expect this level of intimacy to become habitual. Things would hopefully be somewhat normal eventually, and petting was not something Perry would allow to become a part of their routine. The platypus wanted to maintain some level of professionalism.

Heinz smiled back, and continued petting his nemesis with his free hand. They sat in silence for awhile, Heinz grinning stupidly while Perry tried to keep his face passive, not wanting to let the man realize how glorious the soft rubbing actually felt. It was nice to see Heinz smile, and Perry decided to consider it evidence that the scientist would recover.

"Perry the Platypus..." Heinz stopped, and Perry chattered to encourage him. "Have you ever wondered why I don't talk about my marriage or divorce from Charlene? Or why I don't talk about things that concern Vanessa in my back stories?"

Perry nodded. He had wondered from time to time. However, he felt that Heinz was under no obligation to share anything and had never even considered bringing up the supposedly taboo topic.

"It isn't that I don't trust you. I do! I've told you some really humiliating things. It's just... well, two reasons actually."

"Charlene and I were divorced when Vanessa was six years old. When it happened, I bought a book on how to make divorce easier on the child. It said the main thing was to never speak badly of the other parent in front of the little kid. I don't know why, but three years ago when you became my nemesis I kept up with the silence. That, and Vanessa is legally a child for two more years. I still have to work with Charlene to do what's best for her, and I can't do that if I say mean things about her mother. So, maybe I'll share certain back stories when Vanessa turns eighteen."

"The second reason is... well..." Heinz started crying again. Perry tightened his grip on the man's hand and massaged with greater fervor, and he could feel Heinz's hand digging deeper into his back.

"It was my fault, Perry the Platypus! All my fault! The divorce! I don't blame Charlene for leaving. I ruined our family!" The man was sobbing.

"Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkr." Perry wanted Heinz to calm down. The man's heart didn't need unnecessary stress. He obviously wasn't going to share the story today, so Perry didn't want him thinking about it.

"I had something so beautiful, Perry the Platypus! Every day I was so surprised that I could be a part of something so wonderful. Especially in the beginning, when Charlene and I were at our happiest. I had a wife and a daughter, and I ruined it!"

Perry tried to calm the man down. Whatever it was he had done, it couldn't be _that_ horrible. Charlene and Heinz were amicably divorced. They were occasionally rude and sometimes a bit harsh, but they were on mostly friendly terms. If Heinz had done something truly atrocious, it would be unlikely that Charlene would be so nice and open to helping him out of trouble.

"I wanted Vanessa's life to be perfect. I wanted to right all the wrongs that had been done to me. I was forced to wear dresses, so I bought her lots of feminine things that matched her gender. Then she didn't like girly things and wanted to wear black. I never had a surprise party, so I decided to throw her one every year. But I don't do it right, Perry the Platypus."

"More than anything I wanted her life to be perfect, and I ruined it! We got divorced, and now my little baby girl has grown up in a broken home. And I missed so much!"

Perry chattered. Some might consider Heinz a substandard Dad, but he had done his best. His mistakes were honest, and he didn't really have any positive influences to draw from. Most of his problems stemmed from being too eager, focusing too much on correcting things from the past that didn't need fixed in the present, or not understanding how to balance obligations to other people with work. But when you considered his upbringing, it was something of a miracle he hadn't been abusive.

Maybe that was what Norm was for.

After sobbing for a few minutes, Heinz seemed to calm down again. He grew quieter, and the rubbing became more gentle. The roller-coaster of emotions seemed to be draining Heinz. Perry expected the man would probably need a nap soon. 

"I share back stories with you so that you can understand my pain. So that you understand _why_ I seek revenge when I do. You're my nemesis; you have the right to know _why_ I need to be thwarted. I share stories of times when I was wronged. When I was cheated or bullied, or made to do something embarrassing. I don't talk about the times when _I_ was in the wrong because... well, because I'm not seeking revenge for that. I'm just trying to ignore my guilt."

"I've been thinking about my divorce a lot these last few weeks. All the things I did wrong. All the things I could have done differently. I'm not _jealous_ of Charlene; I've moved on and I don't have the same feelings I did when I married her. I still like her a lot, but I don't want to be married to her anymore."

"But her wedding keeps reminding me that I'm alone. That I took what was probably my one chance for domestic bliss and destroyed it. That I made my daughter sad."

Ah, this was probably the crux of the problem. A lonely Heinz Doofenshmirtz working alone in his lab to turn an old high chair into a trap had gotten lost in his thoughts, worked up some sort of anxiety attack, and then the problem had escalated into a serious coronary issue.

"Perry the Platypus, do you have a family?" The invasively personal non sequitur caught him off guard, and Perry was perhaps a bit too eager as he lied by shaking his head 'no.'

"I don't mean a _biological_ one, necessaaarily. I mean, excluding me and Vanessa, and Francis and Dr. Coconut, is there someone out there you care about?"

Perry gave the doctor a stern look. The man should know better than to ask such private questions.

"Oh come on, Mr. Secret Identity! I'm not going to ask for the deets! I just want to know if they exist."

Perry still refused to answer. Heinz discovering his connection to the Flynn-Fletchers was one of his greatest fears and a recurring nightmare. Not for the reason most Agents feared their nemesis discovering their family: Heinz wouldn't hurt them. In fact, they would get along really well (though Heinz would probably like Ferb a lot less if he knew how strongly the child felt about Vanessa). No, the worst he could expect on Heinz's end were silly little pranks, random barbeque invites, "evil" annual Christmas cards, and the occasional pop-in around dinner time.

The reason for the fear was that any discovery between his two worlds would mean relocation. A new host family, and possibly a different nemesis. This was a grim fate that Perry would do anything, short of letting something harm his children, to prevent. The maintenance  of the Secret Identity was one of the few regulations that Major Monogram was strict in enforcing.

"Stop being difficult and answer! I almost died!" Perry hoped the man wouldn't start using that as an excuse all the time. It was hard to turn down. Especially right now, when Heinz seemed to be going out of his way to make the petting feel as wonderful as possible.

"Geez you can be stubborn, Perry the Platypus. Alright, I'm going to assume you have somebody somewhere. If you didn't you'd be lonelier than me, and that would just be sad."

"You've done a lot to help me and Vanessa, Perry the Platypus. When you didn't have any real obligation to do so. I want to return the favor. So from now on, if a scheme of mine ever directly threatens someone you really care about, I want you to let me know. And I'll stop. No questions asked, you can veto schemes that would hurt people you care about."

"Now, don't get any funny ideas! You can't just use this privilege all the time, willy nilly! If you cry wolf I'll stop taking you seriously and ignore you. This is for moments when I could actually hurt someone you care about. Most schemes will continue as normal."

Perry was touched. This was by far the most thoughtful thing Heinz had ever done for the monotreme. Willingly stopping schemes Perry thought were too dangerous without being properly thwarted? Of course, making Heinz stop would be tantamount to admitting he had people he cared about, but Perry would cross that bridge when they got there.

Perry had no intention of invoking this new right unnecessarily. Where was the fun in that?

Perry smiled affectionately at the scientist. The offer really was very kind, considering it was from a man who liked to consider himself evil. 

Heinz looked satisfied. Silence fell again, and Perry could tell that Heinz was getting tired. He probably needed rest.

The clock on the wall said it was almost 6:30 AM on Monday morning. Phineas and Ferb had been awake over an hour, and Candace would just now be dragging herself out of her soft bed. Perry hoped Carl had remembered the robot, and that it was working. He would hate to think that his boys would worry about him all day at school.

"Have I ever told you how soft your little fur-feathers are, Perry the Platypus?" Heinz groggily asked.

There was a snort and then a clatter outside, and Perry heard a teenage voice curse, "Dang it!"

Vanessa entered the room as she checked her phone for any sign of damage from the fall. Perry was a bit embarrassed. He wondered how long she had been standing right outside. Heinz didn't look embarrassed at all. He didn't let go of Perry's paws or stop the petting; it was as though he thought a teenage girl walking in on her Dad and a platypus bonding on a hospital bed was a completely normal occurrence.

Though obviously exhausted both emotionally and physically, Heinz smiled at the girl eagerly.

"Hey, pumpkin. How'd it _gooo_?"

"Oh, I have lots of news to share!" Vanessa smiled. She perched herself on the empty bed next to Heinz's as she began to share her story.


	6. In Good Company

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heinz, Vanessa, and Perry are still waiting for news of the severity of Heinz’s heart attack. While biding their time, they find themselves in good company…

The two nemesi shifted their positions on the hospital bed so that they could both comfortably see the teenage girl on the opposite cot. Vanessa was grinning mischievously, and Perry wondered if she was smiling at her own accomplishments or if she had found the way he and Heinz had been interacting when she entered the room amusing. Perry sat up straight and tried to look dignified, but the effect was lessened by Heinz's goofy face as he reached up to straighten the slightly crooked fedora before continuing to stroke the monotreme's back. 

It was embarrassing, and Perry had to remind himself that he wasn't going to glare at the scientist today.

"I was just having a little _chat_ with the nurses, and the posted visiting hours don't apply to me or Perry!"

"Oooh, goody!" Heinz could be so giddy when he was tired. He could hardly contain his excitement at the knowledge that he wouldn't be left alone for long hours at a time. Perry couldn't even imagine how happy he would be if he ever discovered how Vanessa had earned the authority to dictate such deviations from the rules.

"And they aren't going to assign you a roommate. This space is all yours, Dad. Oh, and I have permission to bring in anything we want, as long as it doesn't interfere with your machines. You could even hang up some posters or something."

"I don't plan to be in here long enough for that, sweetie. So, what did your mother say?"

Vanessa's face fell a bit, but she tried to keep up her chipper demeanor. "She and Sam will come back on Thursday if you are still in the hospital."

"On Thursday if? You mean she isn't coming back now?"

"Well, it is their honeymoon, and..."

"But what about you? Where are you going to stay?"

"I'm going to be here most of the time. Mom's house is forty-five minutes away by car, and I don't have one, so I guess I'll stay at your place. It's only fifteen blocks away; that isn't too far a walk. I'd really only need to go home to sleep." She sounded confident, but Perry could tell that the young girl didn't really want to be all alone in the place where her father could have died.

"No, I don't like that. It gets dark so early, and it is so cold outside. You shouldn't have to walk-"

"Don't worry about me, Dad! I can take care of myself. I'm not a kid; I'm a woman! I'm sixteen years old!"

"That is exactly why I-"

"Krkrkrkrkrkrkrkrkr." Both Heinz and Vanessa looked over at the monotreme. Perry gave them both a very pointed look before gesturing at the bed on which Vanessa was currently sitting.

"Oh, I guess I could just stay here. Thanks, Perry!"

"Do you think they'll allow it?"

"Don't worry. It's practically already covered."

Perry could tell Heinz was still a bit upset and confused. Though they had been divorced a long time, Heinz had grown accustomed to Charlene bending a bit to suit his needs. Though he hated calling her to ask for more cash or extra time, he had never considered the possibility that one day she would be less willing to give it. It was second nature for him to purchase bizarre things online with her account, and Charlene had footed every lab coat cleaning bill. The changes Charlene's marriage would make in his life had still not fully dawned on Heinz.

"Mom told me to let you know that she was glad you were awake, and that she was really worried about you. She agreed to call the school about my absence, and said she would call a few of her friends and have them stop by to check up on things and bring some food."

"I talked to Uncle Roger, too. He told me to tell you that you could 'Count on my sympathy, for I will be keeping my dear brother in my thoughts.' His conference ends on Wednesday, so I would expect a visit from him on Thursday." Her impression of Heinz's brother was uncanny. Heinz fidgeted nervously beneath his sheets.

"I also called Oma Doofenshmirtz. I think I woke her up. She said she's busy today, but that she would try to visit you tomorrow or the day after."

"Humph. Well, it doesn't bother me if they don't want to come. I'd rather they didn't. Who needs them, anyway? Not me. That much I know _for sure_." It wasn't very convincing.

"Krkrkrkrkr."

"Come on, Dad."

"No really! I mean it!" The man's face lightened a bit, and he smiled at his daughter. "You're here, and my nemesis is here and... well, I've got more company than I would have expected to have, to be completely honest."

The short silence that followed was interrupted by the entrance of Hikari the nurse with a man Perry had never seen before. Perry assumed the man was Heinz's doctor. The monotreme certainly hoped there was no reason to judge the book by it's cover; the man was very young and looked a bit unkempt. His clothes were stained and wrinkled, his goatee was misshaped and had a few crumbs in it, and his thick glasses were askew.

"Hello, Mr. Duffenpost."

"It's Doofenshmirtz. _Doctor_ Doofenshmirtz! Dr. _Heinz_ Doofenshmirtz!"

"Let me handle this, Dr. Miller." the nurse interjected. "Hello, Dr. Doofenshmirtz. I'm your nurse, Hikari. I've already met your daughter and your... platypus. This is Dr. Miller. I'm glad you are awake. How are you feeling?"

"Umm..." Heinz hesitated. Perry had the feeling he was going to lie about his condition in the hope of getting out of the hospital early. Removing one paw from Heinz's hand, Perry chattered and made the 'cross my heart' gesture.

"Sheeesh, Perry the Platypus. Stop nagging." He turned back to the nurse. "Well, I'm really tired, I guess."

"Are you experiencing any chest pain? Shortness of breath?" the nurse prompted.

"My chest feels a bit tight. And I guess I'm finding it a little hard to breathe."

"Can you tell us how you felt last night when this happened?" Every eye and ear in the room was focused on the scientist.

"Well, I remember I was in my lab working on a trap. I started to get a bit dizzy, but I thought I was just tired. Then my left arm went numb. I was trying to figure out why when... when I felt it. In my chest. It hurt so much, and I remember almost falling down because I was in so much paaaiiin. And trust me, I know how to deal with pain. It takes a lot to hurt meee, let me tell you. This... this was horrible. I think I tried to grab the high chair to prevent my fall, but my arm was numb and I can't remember if it worked..."

"It didn't, Dad. I found you under the high chair."

"Doctor Doofenshmirtz, we are going to draw a little bit of blood to run some tests."

"Oh, really?" For a man who was just bragging about his high tolerance for pain, Heinz looked nervous.

"We'll only need to prick your finger, sir. You know, before stopping in I found some fun facts about platypi for you. Did you know that veterinarians must use needles as thick as the plastic thing on the end of a shoelace to draw blood from a platypus because of their thick water tight fur?"

"As thick as an aglet? That sounds horrible! Especially since platypus veins are probably so _tiny_..." Perry rolled his eyes. Hikari the nurse was preparing for the procedure.

"Dad, what in the world is an aglet?"

"The little plastic thing on the end of a shoelace. Like the nurse just said, sweetheart."

"...I don't get it. How can you pull obscure, pointless, college level vocabulary words out of your head at the drop of a hat and not know how to pronounce the word 'boat.'" Perry looked at Heinz expectantly. He was curious, too.

"Well I know nooow, Vanessa. I've said it right ever since you corrected me... and..." Heinz noticed that both sets of eyes were still watching him with mingled amusement and disbelief. "Hey, English is my second language! You should be proud!"

"All done!" Hikari interrupted, a small bit of Heinz's blood settling in the container she carried.

"What?! It's over? Vanessa, you distracted me! I didn't even get to say 'Oww!'"

"Okay, Dr. Miller. I have the sample." Hikari told the man who had done nothing of value since entering the room. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz, we'll be back in a bit with some conclusive results and some instructions for self care. It would be a good idea for you to rest as much as possible. You should probably take a nap. And when I come back, I'll have another fun fact about platypi!"

"You knooow, that wasn't really a _fun fact_. That sounded very painful. It made me a bit sad..."

"Get some sleep, Dr. Doofenshmirtz." Hikari repeated before leaving the room with Dr. Miller.

Alone again, Heinz turned to his daughter. "You know, honey, you should get some sleep, too."

"I'm fine, Dad."

"No, no you're not. You were up till 3:00 in the morning the night your mom got married, and you didn't get any sleep last night. You look exhausted, baby girl."

"Dad-"

"At least lie down and rest a bit, Vanessa. I'm worried about you."

She lied down as he had told her. Though it was obvious she was fighting the urge, Vanessa fell asleep before Heinz. The scientist smiled over at his daughter as he resumed petting Perry's back. Perry sat in the same position, feeling the strokes grow weaker and slower as the man faded into sleep. When Heinz's hand finally came to a rest atop Perry's tail, the monotreme carefully stood. He made very careful movements so that he wouldn't disturb the resting man.

Perry worried that jumping down would wake Heinz, and he knew that jumping back up certainly would. So it looked like he would be staying on the bed for a bit. He walked toward the monitor that showed Heinz's health statistics. Perry didn't know what most of it meant, but he memorized each bit so that he could investigate on his own later.

Perry couldn't stay at the hospital indefinitely. He had a family that he loved and missed, and he refused to make them interact with a robot all week. It was currently 8:00 AM. His children were at school. Perry decided that he would go home when school let out. He could return in the night or the next morning when the children left for school again. 

Heinz would probably be sad when Perry left, but the monotreme knew it was for the best. He wasn't an actual part of Heinz's family, and the father and daughter should have some time alone. Maybe this near tragedy could help bring them closer together.

No other animal Agent that Perry was aware of would be willing and eager to spend entire school days with their evil scientist in a hospital without being ordered to do so. It was generous, but Perry still felt a bit guilty leaving Heinz in the unorganized place. He wanted to be with Heinz, but he also wanted to be with Phineas and Ferb.

Perry was tired, too. The average platypus slept 17 hours a day. While Perry could certainly stay awake longer than an average platypus, there was a reason he spent so much of his time at home napping. Perry looked about for a good place to rest. Vanessa's bed was out of the question. The chair in the corner had a rip in the fabric, and Perry could clearly see an odd stain. That looked unappealing.

Eventually, against the better judgement of a voice in the back of his mind, Perry found a soft spot near the foot of Heinz's bed. He nestled himself into a bit of bunched up fabric far outside of Heinz's reach and drifted off to dream land.

_He was in the back yard, laying under the tree and keeping a lazy eye on his boys as they worked with their friends to construct a steel frame. Perry wondered what they were building. He stood and waddled over to the structure. He entered. Inside it was dark, and Candace was yelling at a zebra who was trying to make her sign a piece of pro Giant Floating Baby Head legislation. He turned to leave, but fell into a hole. He landed in his lair. How had the children...?_

_"Good morning, Agent P!"_

"Eeep!"

Vanessa's surprised cry startled both Heinz and Perry awake. Apparently at some point during his nap Perry had moved closer to the warmth of Heinz's legs. He was still far enough down on the bed to be out of the sleeping scientist's subconscious reach, but he was nuzzled so close to the crook of the man's knee that the sudden kicking motion caused the blankets to fall and cover the platypus completely. 

"I'm sorry, young lady. I didn't mean to startle you when I wished Agent P a good morning."

"You can't just walk into a hospital room, stand over someone's bed, be insensitively loud, and act surprised when you scare people!"

Oh no, Major Monogram was there.

Perry tried to untangle himself and look presentable as quickly as possible, but he ended up tripping and falling backwards on top of Heinz's legs. It was always humiliating to be caught in a vulnerable or highly unprofessional position by your boss, but it was especially horrible if you were willingly being vulnerable and unprofessional with your nemesis.

Carl was still standing at the foot of Vanessa's bed, but Major Monogram had moved across the room toward the cot Heinz and Perry were sharing. He didn't acknowledge that he had just walked in on his Agent napping on a little bed with his sworn enemy. Or the extreme display of clumsiness the Agent had just shown. In fact, he seemed to only have one concern.

"Agent P, where is your hat?"

Perry's hands flew to his head. His hat was gone! He turned around and started frantically digging through the impossibly tangled sheets.

"Geez guys, where's the fire? His hat is on the end table." Heinz reached over toward the side table, grabbed the hat, and handed it to the platypus. Perry replaced it before crossing his arms and looking to Heinz for an explanation.

"What! I didn't do anything wrong! I woke up, saw that you were smooshing your hat, decided you wouldn't want it to get wrinkled, reached down and put it on the table!"

Okay, Perry could understand the justification. It was kind, albeit stupid, and at least the scientist had known better than to move Perry _himself_ into a more awkward position.

"Doofenshmirtz, you should be aware of the fact that knowingly removing a hat from an Agent is a class Q misdemeanor!"

"You mean it's eeevil?" Heinz looked as though he wanted to snatch the hat right back, but Perry raised an arm and chattered. He hoped 'grab Perry's hat' wouldn't become a recurring scheme. Seriously, even Monogram should be intelligent enough to know that telling Heinz that something so small and relatively easy to do is even remotely evil is a bad idea.

"Bonjour, Mademoiselle." Carl sounded a bit shy speaking to Vanessa.

"Grüß dich."

"I'm sorry, I don't speak-"

"Carl, get over here!"

"Yes sir!"

As Carl approached, Perry noticed he was carrying a small basket with one hand and holding several green and purple balloons in the other. The Intern handed the basket to his boss before taking the balloons over to the window and tying them on the radiator. The sunlight shining through the thin balls of air filled the room with a soft purple and green glow. Visually it was very pleasing, and Perry was sure Heinz would be reminded of home.

"Wow, cool." Vanessa said.

"Carl and I just dropped in to check on how soon you would return to your usual nefarious activities."

"Really? Because it looks to me like you stopped by to see how I'm doing and give me presents." Heinz took the basket out of Monogram's hands before the Major had a chance to give it to the scientist. "Oooh, Almond brittle! The OWCA sure does know how to make a good gift basket!"

Perry peered into the wicker container. The basket was filled with almond brittle, chocolate covered fruits and pastries, some assorted nuts and cheeses, and lots of other goodies Heinz probably shouldn't be eating in his condition. There was even a card: an offensive picture of a kitten hanging from a tree with the subtitle "Hang in There!"

"I remembered that you liked those kitten cards from the complaints issued to HR. It's been making the rounds from division to division since last night, almost everyone signed it!"

"Hey, I didn't know there was a card! I didn't get a chance to sign it!" Major Monogram interrupted.

"Sir, it was on your desk for over three hours this morning. I thought you must have seen it..."

"You could have looked inside the card to make sure."

"There are hundreds of signatures, sir."

Monogram opened the card. "Most of them are just paw prints! You should have noticed my name was missing in a sea of paw prints and chicken scratches, Carl." Major Monogram took out a pen to sign his name. "Oh, and now I have to scribble my name in a tight corner."

"I'll be more careful next time, sir."

When he was done signing, Monogram set the card down. Heinz was still busy sorting through the basket, so Perry picked it up to look inside. The card was indeed filled with various animal prints (though some animals had also signed their name, or used a signature only) and the elaborate cursive of the division heads. Monogram's name was twisted into an odd corner, and Carl had signed with a smiley face in the bottom right hand corner.

Perry couldn't help noticing that a certain Panda paw print took up an obscenely large amount of space right beneath the little poem, slightly obscuring Freddie the Frog's mark. 

Perry could understand why Heinz Doofenshmirtz had received so much sympathy from a Good organization. Though it would pain the man to hear it, he was the least evil of all the evil scientists the Agency worked to thwart. He was the most likely to forge a truce with the OWCA. He was the most likely to let an Agent out of a trap set by another villain. Though villains were likely to stab each other in the back, Heinz was the only one who would eagerly aid an Animal Agent to do so. Most villains only used the OWCA Hotline to gloat about capturing or defeating an Agent, but Heinz would use it to call in sick, or check up on his nemesis, or sometimes just to chat with Major Monogram.

Heinz had completely changed the way many scientists and Agents viewed the nemesis dynamic. Before Heinz, no villain had ever called their adversary anything other than "Agent X." Now the "_____ the ______" format was really beginning to catch on. Only recently had other nemesi looked into also forging a friendship. This was the reason their appearance on _The Dr. Feelbetter Show_ had garnered such a crowd: everyone had wanted a better understanding of how the oddballs clicked, why they had such a bizarre bond, and what had caused such a division.

When he had been first assigned to Heinz at the end of his training, Perry had been angry to have his skills allotted to such an idiot. Monogram had needed to explain on multiple occasions that, as the top recruit, they needed to assign him to someone who was dangerous enough to need a nemesis, but harmless enough that if said Agent was called away for a more important task there was no real risk of losing the Tri-State Area.

A lot had changed in three years.

"So Francis, how is your wife Frances?

As Heinz and Major Monogram started chatting, Perry turned his attention to Carl and Vanessa. The Intern was again near the foot of her bed, and Vanessa was asking him a question.

"So, Perry isn't going to be in any trouble, is he?"

"Oh, no. He's the best Agent in the field. His methods might be unorthodox, but as long as they're effective he won't be disciplined."

There was an awkward pause and they both briefly listened to the conversation their elders were having. Carl's face was a bit red. Other than his mother, he had probably never seen an actual girl sit on a bed before.

"You know, if you didn't wear such high heels all the time, we would probably be the same height."

".... Really? That's what you're going with?"

"What? No! I was just-"

"No, no; it's okay. Look, I want to help you out. When flirting with a girl-"

"Oh, I wasn't flirting with you, Miss Doofenshmirtz! Honest I wasn't! I was just... I was-"

"A likely story. Now let me help. When you hit on a girl, try not to bring up things you aren't proud of. You seem to dislike being short. Trust me, I understand where you're coming from. But you shouldn't be pointing out how short you are if it makes you unhappy. Mention something you're good at."

"I'm not good at anything a girl would find interesting..."

"Oh, I'm sure you're good at lots of things. You like your job, don't you?"

"Yeah, it's great! But I didn't think you would be-"

"Carl!" Major Monogram exclaimed suddenly, "What are you doing? Stop dallying with her and come over here. You could get hurt. Don't you realize she's evil?"

Carl smirked and blushed. "Just a _little_ bit, sir."

"What is THAT supposed to mean? What kind of evil are we talking about here? And what is with that smirk?" Heinz sounded angry and confused.

"I was just saying that your daughter would be a bad influence on such an innocent and impressionable little fellow."

"Innocent? Did you see that smirk?! You do realize he's older than she is, right? And how dare you come in here and insult my baby girl!" He turned his attention back to the intern. "And you! What was that little smirk about!?"

"Dad, cool it. He's harmless."

"Oh is he now?"

"Carl, I think we should leave before this gets out of hand." Carl nodded. He seemed unable to speak. "Come along, Carl." Monogram gently grabbed Carl's arm and pulled the stunned intern from the room.

They were alone again. Perry, Heinz, and Vanessa looked back and forth between themselves for a moment. It was nearing noon. Perry was surprised they had slept for so long. The three were still disoriented from the sudden awakening, the surprise guests, and the argument that had escalated much too quickly.

"...So, does anyone want a peanut butter bar?"

"Krkrkrkrkrkr!"


	7. Good News, Bad News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry, Vanessa, and Heinz finally get some of the answers they've been waiting for from the hospital staff. It's about time, too; Perry can't stay at the hospital with the Doofenshmirtz family indefinitely.

Vanessa rolled her eyes as her father and his platypus nemesis bickered over the basket of sweets.

"Your boss left these for me, Perry the Platypus! I can eat them if I want!"

"Krkrkrkr!" Perry shook his head with an air of finality, grabbing the basket and walking out of Heinz's reach. He wasn't about to stand by and watch the man who had just recently almost died from heart-related complications gorge on unhealthy snack food. Not until a medical doctor gave the okay, and perhaps created some sort of ration schedule for Perry to ensure the man followed.

"He has a point, Dad. Remember why you're in here?" Vanessa stood up, approached Perry, took the basket, and set it on a table far from her Dad's bed.

"Don't take his side! I'm hungry, and I'm craving peanut butter! If you'll remember, I was willing to share! Come on Vanessa, let me have just one little thing!"

Vanessa gave him the side eye. "You're not asking me to go up against _Perry the Platypus_ , are you? I'm confident that I could beat almost everyone I know in a fight, but I think Perry is an exception. And he _really_ doesn't want you to have that basket, Dad."

There was a tense moment before Heinz and Vanessa both started laughing. The monotreme couldn't help but smile. Perry and Heinz could fight over just about anything and call it "Tuesday". But the mental image of the Secret Agent and teenage girl getting into an actual brawl over a basket of sweets was patently ridiculous, and it broke the tension that had hovered over them since Major Monogram and Carl's abrupt departure nicely.

"It's nice to hear some laughter!" Hikari the nurse entered, pushing a cart with two trays of food. She sat a tray near Vanessa, and the other in front of Heinz.

"Dr. Doofenshmirtz, I have a few pills here that I would like you to take." She handed Heinz a small glass of water and three small tablets before turning back to the cart. "I wasn't sure what you feed your platypus, so I brought a little bowl of unseasoned mashed potatoes. Fun fact, in the wild platypi eat insect larvae that they find in the water using their bills!"

Vanessa slammed her fork down. "Alright, I've been really patient with you since you seem really nice and are, apparently, the only semi-competent person in this hospital. But he has a name. Perry. Use it. At least stick it in front of the phrase, 'the platypus,' alright? And he doesn't want cold, bland potatoes! Go get him a real tray with actual food and utensils!"

"Yes, ma'am." Hikari departed very quickly. Both Heinz and Perry stared at the girl.

"Wow, that was good!"

"It was nothing, Dad."

"No, no! It was something! Did you see the way she _fled_ from your _wrath_?! It was beautiful! I'm so proud of you, sweetheart."

"I don't see why. It isn't evil to stand up for somebody."

"Well, nooo. But it is evil to be intimidating! So you were a wee bit evil."

"Sure, Dad."

Hikari returned with a third tray. She apologized profusely to both Vanessa and Heinz before speaking directly to Perry. "I'm sorry... Perry. I hope I didn't offend you by... well... here is your tray." She extended the tray toward him. Perry reached forward, gingerly took it, smiled, and tipped his hat. The nurse looked a bit surprised. 

"I'll be back with Dr. Miller after you finish eating, Dr. Doofenshmirtz. We'll discuss your condition and some self care tips. After that my shift will end, and I won't be back until tomorrow." She was gone again.

"So Dad, can you tell me the story of the De-Volition-Inator again?" Vanessa asked as she dipped a piece of bread in the gravy of the potatoes. Heinz eagerly began regaling her with stories of the various things he had made Perry do that day, and how the DJ incident had come about.

Perry tuned them out. He had lived it; he didn't need to hear Heinz ramble through the story. But he understood what the teen was doing. She was distracting her father from worrying about whatever it was the physicians were going to say.

As Perry watched the sixteen year old girl talk with her father, he could hardly believe how much she had matured over the past year. Perry had witnessed a lot of people in his life grow and develop over the 'Alternate Dimension' Summer, but the changes that had happened to Vanessa were among the biggest.

At the beginning of summer she had been so cold and distant from her father. Sure, she had agreed to help with a few schemes in exchange for spending money or permission to go to concerts on weekend evenings when she was supposed to be with him, but she had been very unenthusiastic. It had saddened Perry to see the father-daughter relationship in such a rocky state.

She had then gone through a brief "busting" phase. Perry had fully understood her desire to prove to her mother that she hadn't been making up stories for most of her childhood, but he had been glad when the phase ended. Hearing cries of, "Mom! Mom! Mooom!" at regular intervals in _both_ parts of his life had gotten old quickly.

It was around then that things began to change. There were several catalysts. The first was the Sweet Sixteen Birthday Party he had helped Heinz throw for her. The (accidental) success of the party had shown the girl that her father's gaffe's weren't deliberate attempts to embarrass her in front of her friends. They were the honest mistakes of a person who had never quite learned to understand social cues. When Heinz had given her the little doll that had once belonged to Candace, Vanessa had come to realize that though his actions were rarely what she would desire, he had always tried to make her happy.

Vanessa had finally began to come to an understanding with her father in Paris, when Ferb had inspired her to meet Heinz half way. There were still bumps in the road, and their relationship was far from perfect. But Vanessa seemed to finally accept her father for who he was and understand that he wasn't such a bad dad after all. That just as she didn't like it when Heinz superimposed ideas of what a little girl _should_ be like as opposed to what _Vanessa_ was like, she should understand that she didn't have a cookie cutter father. 

Perry reflected on the events of today. Vanessa had been so brave and mature. She had dealt with the shock of finding her father collapsed on the floor in the proper way, and handled the situation by herself so well in the hours before Perry's arrival. Even now she was taking it upon herself to distract her father from his problems. Humans matured much slower than platypuses, and Vanessa being so grown up took him by surprise. She was only a year older than Candace, after all. What would Candace be like in a year?

Just as Heinz was finishing his story and the three occupants had nearly cleared their plates, Hikari the nurse and Dr. Miller entered again. Perry had to admire the woman's patience with the motley group in Room 118. She was the only nurse brave enough to deal with them, and she was bending over backwards breaking rules to accommodate their needs. Perry didn't blame her for finding him strange. If he were human, he would probably think an anthropomorphic platypus was bizarre and unnatural too.

Perry took a notepad and pen out of his hat. He wanted to write down everything the nurse said for future reference.

"Hello!" she said cheerily. She moved the disgusting chair with ripped fabric near Heinz's bed and sat down. "So how are you feeling now, Dr. Doofenshmirtz?"

"Oh, much better. I expect I'll probably be going home soon."

"We'll see. After our little chat, I'll draw more blood. Then we can check if your Troponin levels have decreased."

"So, what happened to Dad?"

"He suffered a severe Myocardial Infarction. His heart wasn't receiving enough blood, meaning there wasn't enough oxygen for his heart to function properly. Through your IV's you've been receiving a pain medication that also helps to relieve the heart's stress, and a drug that helps to thin your blood."

"It seems you have Coronary Artery Disease. This means some of your arteries have blockages. The staff put a stent in one major artery last night, but we would like to investigate and see if you need more. In a few weeks when you are stronger, we would like to perform a Cardiac Stress Test."

"A few weeeeeks?!"

"You won't be in the hospital all that time, sir. You'll probably be released on Thursday. But you will have to follow some strict medical orders for several weeks, and have regular check ups. We plan to help you create a diet and exercise plan. A very light cardio workout that will help your heart get stronger without adding too much stress."

"What kind of stuff can't I do?"

"Well, you shouldn't operate any heavy machinery for at least four weeks."

"What?!" Heinz looked dismayed. His life revolved around building and using heavy machinery. These next few months would be very hard on him.

"Yes. No driving, no operating big evil do-dads, nothing. You want to see your little girl graduate from high school, don't you?"

"Well of course! What kind of a question is... fine. No big -Inators, I guess. So, what else can't I do?"

"Well..." Hikari the nurse seemed to be searching for a delicate way to word something. Perhaps because Vanessa was there. "Well, you should refrain from engaging in certain _activities_ for at least four weeks. Until a medical doctor clears you, actually."

"I'm sorry, I don't follow."

"You know, sir. Activities that _excite_ the heart and really get the blood pumping. You know what I mean."

"You mean no _scheming_?! _Or being thwarted?!_ At all?! No scheming or thwarting at all for four whole weeks?!"

Perry face palmed, and Vanessa snickered. The nurse looked extremely confused.

"Um... well, I'm not sure exactly what you... what does... um... Let's go with 'no' just to be safe."

"I'm not sure I can resist the uuurge to scheme for that long! I don't think we've ever gone that long without... let's just say I'm used to Perry the Platypus thwarting me at least four times a week. You're sure we can't just be gentler and pace ourselves or something?"

"Moving on," Hikari interrupted. She looked very uncomfortable. "Dr. Doofenshmirtz, can you tell me a bit about your current exercise routine?"

"Well, I have this one exercise show I like to watch when I have the time. And I run on a treadmill once in a while. But to be honest, most of my exercise comes from being thwarted by-"

" _Moving on_ ," Hikari repeated, "What about your diet? You have high cholesterol and blood pressure. Do you eat lots of fatty foods?"

"Well, I try to eat right. You knoow, sometimes. But those Fireside Girl cupcakes are just so addicting..."

"Okay, we'll work with you at a later time to create a diet that suits your needs. In the meantime, I see someone brought you a gift basket. I suggest you limit yourself to eating one thing a day. And by that I don't mean 'one box of Almond Brittle,' I mean 'one piece of Almond Brittle.'"

Perry gave Heinz a knowing look. "Don't gloat, Perry the Platypus."

"Dr. Doofenshmirtz, do you use any controlled substances? Tobacco, Alcohol?"

"Oh no, I don't smoke! And I don't drink that often. Just on social occasions."

"Do you use any illegal drugs, sir?"

This piqued Perry's curiosity. He had always had suspicions about that day at Lake Nose...

Heinz sputtered a bit. "Well, no. No I... I mean, there was this one incident, but it wasn't really intentional. It's... it's a complicated back story, actually. So, no. For our purposes, no I do not."

"Alright, sir." Perry could tell the nurse didn't really believe him.

"Look, I'm getting really tired of all these questions."

"Okay, Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Let me take another blood sample, then we'll leave you alone for a bit." She took a sample (this time, Heinz had the opportunity to say "Ow") and left with Dr. Miller.

Perry now had a lot more information to work with. It looked as though his nemesis wouldn't need any drastic, major surgeries. That was good. But he would probably need some stents. While that was more of a minor procedure, it was still a bit nerve wracking.

It seemed as though the changes in lifestyle would be the hardest thing to cope with. Perry was much more willing to abstain from the thwarting and the pummeling than Heinz, but he would still miss the exhilaration and feeling of vitality that their encounters provided. Heinz's intensity and stamina in battle had been the first positive traits Perry had ever noticed. Back on his first day as an Agent when he and the scientist had had their first encounter, Perry had been extremely disappointed in the OWCA's choice for him until that very first skirmish started. Then he had been only mildly disappointed. He knew Heinz had experienced what the scientist called "Hate at First Sight" but it had taken longer for Perry to grow accustomed to the man's quirks and develop an appreciation for his unique personality.

Three years later, and Perry was sitting with the man on a hospital bed, helping his family cope with a near tragedy. Three years later, and he couldn't understand why he had ever wished for a more aggressive or threatening nemesis. Three years later, and he would do almost anything to make sure that Heinz would be his only life long enemy.

Perry pulled himself out of his thoughts. Vanessa and Heinz were engaged in another conversation. Perry glanced at the clock on the wall and noticed that it was almost 2:00 PM. He would have to leave in an hour to make it home before the boys.

Perry spent most of his hour listening to them talk, only really interacting if they asked him a direct question or if a detail from an anecdote about a scheme was completely inaccurate. He wasn't sure of the best way to say good bye. He wanted to go home and see his children, but he felt bad about leaving the hospital.

When there were only fifteen minutes left until his departure, Perry thought of an idea. He pulled his notepad and pen back out of his hat and scribbled something on a sheet of paper. He handed the paper to Heinz.

"What's this? Hmmm... 'Things I need from the DEI Building.' Oh, you want us to make a list of stuff for you to go fetch?"

Perry nodded.

"You mean you're leeaaving? When are you coming back?"

Perry shrugged.

"Tonight?"

Perry gave a nod. He would come back briefly in the night after the boys went to bed with things they needed. Then he would leave and return during the following school day. There. He had a plan now.

Heinz and Vanessa created two separate columns, and Perry became glad he had asked them to write their requests. He would have never thought to grab Vanessa's contact solution and cell phone charger, or Heinz's hypoallergenic pillow and grind guard.

When they were finished, Perry took the list and folded it into his hat. It was time to say his good byes. He turned to face his nemesis.

"So, you're going right now?" Perry nodded. The man reached out to grab one of Perry's paws before continuing. "Thank you for everything, Perry the Platypus." Heinz let go, and Perry jumped down from the bed before things could get more awkward. Before leaving, he turned back to Heinz and pointed to the bed.

"Alright, Perry the Nagapus. I'll try to get some sleep."

Perry motioned for Vanessa to follow him into the hallway. She looked surprised, but went with him.

Once in the hallway, Perry gave the teenage girl a second piece of paper he had created just for her.

> 555-7528
> 
> Direct Line to Wrist Communicator
> 
>   * For Emergency Use Only
>   * Never Hesitate to Call in an Emergency
>   * **Never** Share this Number with your Father
> 


Vanessa looked stunned. "Is this for always, or just while Dad is sick?"

Perry smiled at her. Of course she should contact him in any emergency. It was quicker than going through Carl at the OWCA. She had earned his trust, and he had faith in her judgement. In a perfect future she would never use this number, but Perry felt good knowing she would have access to him at all times.

"How will I know if it's a big enough emergency?"

Perry took the note back and made a small addition before returning it to the girl.

> 555-7528
> 
> Direct Line to Wrist Communicator
> 
>   * For emergency use only.
>   * Never hesitate to call in an emergency.
>   * **Never** share this number with your Father.
>   * If _you_ consider it an emergency, _I_ consider it an emergency.
> 



	8. Further Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Perry hoped to spend a relaxing evening with his family. Unfortunately, things never seem to work out as the monotreme would hope…
> 
> To be expanded in Further Complications Redux: Another Story.

Perry was laying on his pet bed in the kitchen, listening for the opening of the front door that would signal the return of his boys from school. Apparently the robot Carl had set up had worked wonderfully this morning. The boys hadn't suspected a thing, and the robot was now safely in Perry's lair, waiting for the next time the monotreme needed a decoy.

Linda was standing at the stove, softly humming the song that had once made her a star. She was cooking something that smelled delicious. Perry thought it was a bit early for her to be preparing dinner. He wondered if he had forgotten some sort of special occasion. He was terrible with dates. As a platypus, he cared more about the gradual changes of the seasons than the numeric values that humans had arbitrarily created. The only holiday date he could ever remember was December 25. He usually only realized it was his Neme-Versary when he saw the annual announcement Heinz always placed in the Danville Tribune's classifieds.

Suddenly, the sound of the front door opening reached him.

"Hi Mom! We're home from school!" Phineas called to his mother as he entered the kitchen.

"Hello, boys. How was your day?"

"It was fun! At recess, Ferb and I built a Bungee-Jumping-Tether-Ball Court, but it disappeared before we could show it to the new Recess Monitor, Mr. Campbell. It was really cool! Isabella was a natural."

"That sounds like fun, sweetie." Linda replied. She was busy basting the dish, and didn't really have her mind on what the redhead was saying.

Phineas then turned his attention to his favorite monotreme. "Oh there you are, Perry! Did you miss us, boy?" Phineas and Ferb both reached down to pat Perry's head. Perry chattered appreciatively.

"Have either of you boys seen Candace?" Linda asked. Phineas stood, but Ferb continued to pet Perry.

"No, not since this morning. Why? Should Ferb and I go find her?"

"No, I'll give her a call. She's probably with Stacey. I just figured she would want to come with us."

"Where are we going?"

"You remember Charlene Doofenshmirtz, right? Well, Charlene Helms, now. We went to her wedding last weekend?" Perry felt Ferb's body stiffen at the mention of Vanessa's last name, thankfully distracting the boy from noticing that the platypus had tensed at the name as well. Ferb looked up at his mother.

"Yeah!" Phineas replied with gusto.

"Well her ex-husband, Vanessa's father, had a heart attack last night. Charlene called and asked if I would take Vanessa some food at the hospital. Hospital cafeterias often leave something to be desired."

Oh good grief. Vanessa had mentioned that a family friend would be bringing food. Perry should have suspected something like this. Well, there was no chance of Perry getting any rest now. He would have to rethink his plans. He couldn't just sit in his pet bed all evening worrying about his secret identity.

"Is she doing alright?" Ferb asked.

"Oh, he'll be fine." Linda had misheard the boy's question. "He's a bit young to be having heart attacks. We probably won't see him, though. We'll just stop by to visit Vanessa, check up on things, and leave the food."

Now that he was no longer being petted, Perry couldn't stand just sitting in his pet bed listening to his family talk about his nemesis. He slowly stood and waddled over to his food and water dishes. When your cover required that you be known as an animal that "doesn't do much," the stress relieving opportunities in front of your host family were extremely limited. Hopefully eating would help to calm his nerves.

The door slammed again. "Mom! Mooooom!"

"In here, Candace."

The teenage girl ran into the room and skidded to a halt. "Mom, I know it's a school night. But Jeremy's band is going to do a set in his garage later and I was wondering if I could-"

"Actually, honey, I'm thinking you should come with me. We're going to go visit Vanessa Doofenshmirtz in the hospital."

"... Hospital. Oh my gosh, Vanessa wasn't in class today! Is she okay?"

"Oh, she's fine. Her father had a heart attack."

"'Fine?' Mom, I can't imagine being 'fine' if my Dad had a heart attack."

"I was just letting you know that she wasn't the one who was sick, Candace. There's no need to get wound up. Oh, and you should bring her any notes or homework assignments she missed in your Algebra class today."

"Oh yeah, that will really lift her spirits."

"Hey Mom, with Vanessa's Mom on her honeymoon, who was with Vanessa all day while her Dad was sick? She wasn't alone, was she?"

"I asked her that when I talked to her twenty minutes ago." Linda replied. She must have called Vanessa moments after Perry left the hospital. "Her family is a bit strange, so none of her relatives came. But she wasn't alone. She was with her Dad's... well, she seemed a bit reluctant to tell me about his connection to her family, actually. She really didn't want to talk about it. I think she was embarrassed for me to know any of the details."

"Really? I wonder why." Phineas pondered.

"It is a bit sad, really. A teenage girl in this enlightened day and age, ashamed to admit that her Dad has a boyfriend."

"Krgregrekrkrgregrkr!"

"Hey Ferb, something's wrong with Perry!"

Something was indeed wrong with Perry. Linda's bold and completely inaccurate assessment of the situation had startled the monotreme, and he was choking on a piece of shrimp. He could correct the issue himself, but that would require standing up and revealing his identity. He would have to trust his boys.

He was very, very fortunate to have boys that he could rely on so completely in moments like this. Immediately Ferb pulled Perry into the position for a modified platypus-appropriate version of the Heimlich Maneuver while Phineas calmly spoke to his pet in a reassuring voice.

After three pumps, Ferb managed to dislodge the abnormally large shrimp. It landed on the floor near the water dish. Perry was panting and coughing. It took great concentration to keep his eyes unfocused while he worked to regain his breath.

Ferb gently hugged the monotreme to his chest as Phineas used both hands to softly caress the sides of Perry's face. "You need to be more careful, boy. You can't fit too much in your beak at once!"

"Did you boys learn that at the pet care seminar you attended last winter?"

"No, no we didn't. That was actually a technique Ferb developed and perfected last summer in anticipation of just such an occasion."

"Oh, you boys." Linda smiled. She handed Candace, whose eyes were wide and mouth was hanging open, the large carrying container full of food before grabbing her purse and digging for her keys. "We should get going, kids. We want to deliver this food and be home in time for our own dinner so that you three can do your homework and get to bed on time."

"Be careful, Perry!" Phineas told the monotreme as Ferb sat Perry back in his bed. They left the room, but Perry remained in his undercover state until he heard the front door close.

Maybe he was tired from having such an emotional day, but at the moment he was nearly overcome with affection for his boys. He loved them so much. He wished they could know how deeply he cared about them, or that he could thank them in a more meaningful way.

He didn't know if there was a god, but he so desperately hoped his identity would remain a secret tonight that he would bow down before Candace's Mysterious Force if it would ensure that his boys and his nemesis never discovered their connection.

Perry couldn't stay home alone in this state. He needed something to occupy his mind. Now that the family was gone, he had many more options. Perry decided he would bump his visit to the DEI Building up. He would go there now, gather materials, deliver them to the hospital as soon as his family left, and return home around the same time as his family. Hopefully Plan B would not fail.

He found a lair entrance under the rug and slid down the long slide to reach his base. He was about to hop into the vehicle with the most storage space when he remembered something that might be useful. This would be the perfect time to utilize one of the more obscure implements Carl had given him. He began digging through the metallic case where he _knew_ he had left it.

There it was! The small, hand held GPS tracker that could show the location of all the Flynn-Fletcher vehicles. Perry could use this to determine when the family left the hospital, allowing the monotreme to time his delivery accordingly. He turned the device on to check that it worked and discovered that his family was...

...still in the driveway? But why?

Perry went to his giant monitor. After changing a few settings, he was able to view the driveway from his screen. There were visuals, but no audio. His family was still outside. Linda was talking to Vivian Garcia-Shapiro, and it appeared that Isabella and a few of the Fireside Girls were climbing into the car with Perry's children. Buford and Baljeet were sitting together in front of the front door.

Perry didn't need audio to realize what was going on outside. Phineas and Ferb must have still been worried about Perry nearly choking, and asked a passing Buford and Baljeet to keep an eye on him. Perry ordered his robotic doppelganger to go back upstairs. He didn't need the pair hanging up more missing posters.

It also seemed as though the Fireside Girls would be accompanying his family to the hospital. Perry had no idea why they would want to go visit someone they barely knew on a school night, but he decided to view it as a good sign. Vanessa was less likely to open up about her father's platypus nemesis if she was surrounded by strangers.

Once his family finally left the premises, Perry headed for the DEI Building. The route was very familiar, and it wasn't long before the odd purple skyscraper loomed on the horizon. Perry couldn't help but sing the ridiculously jaunty jingle in his head as he landed the vehicle and used his key to gain entry.

Standing at the threshold, Perry took the list out of his hat and gave it a thorough read. Most of the items written were very doable. He knew his way around the house and expected he could find most anything, no matter how obscure or random.

Perry knew he could find everything Vanessa had requested. The biggest item on her list was the "Emergency Evacuation" pack her father had always made her keep in case of, well, an emergency evacuation. It was a purple bag under her bed filled with clothes, under clothes, feminine products, other assorted toiletries, a bit of cash, and a few other things the teen might need if forced to leave in a hurry. Perry was glad he wouldn't have to search for any of those objects individually, and he was sure the young woman felt the same way. Vanessa had also requested her laptop bag, her MP3 player, her cell phone charger, her contact solution, a copy of Mary Shelley's _A Modern Prometheus_ , her cosmetics case, a few magazines, and the journal under the pillow. All simple, basic, logical requests that an average human staying away from home unexpectedly might want or miss.

Heinz's list was trickier. Mentally, Perry immediately vetoed the man's requests for food, a ray gun, an apparently revamped handheld Accelerate-Inator, and a mix tape CD of various Drusselsteinian goat-herding ballads. Even minus those items, the list was long and sporadic.

He would still need to find the grind guard, the hypoallergenic pillow, the night gown, the purple robe and panda slippers, Heinz's "Emergency Evacuation" bag that was probably half empty and scattered about, some boxers (Perry would leave the platyprint in the drawer), his reading glasses, his lucky lab coat (Perry wondered how to tell them apart), his wallet, his insurance information and proof of US citizenship, a puzzle featuring a basket of kittens, a sketch pad, volumes 8-17 from his collection of family photo albums, his DEI snow globe, _Love Handel's Greatest Hits!_ , an old high school year book that was kept in a box labelled "VHS Tapes" in the pantry, a thesaurus, a few books on tape translated into evil, and the new hard back collector's edition of _Inside an Evil Mind: The Dr. Wexler Story_.

Perry checked the GPS. His family was about four city blocks from the hospital.

Vanessa's room was Perry's first destination. He expected her area would be organized, and he was right. He found the purple bag under the bed and sat it near the door. Her cosmetics case was on the vanity. Perry took it upon himself to grab the nearby hairbrush and place it inside the case. She hadn't requested it, but it seemed like a possible oversight. He then hopped on the desk. He put her MP3 and cell phone charger in the laptop bag before placing the laptop and (unrequested, but probably wanted) headphones inside. The book (which, after a bit of a searching, Perry wished Vanessa had just called _Frankenstein_ ) and magazines were on her end table, and the journal was indeed under the pillow. He found her contact solution in the adjacent bathroom, where he decided to grab her toothbrush and toothpaste, just in case those items weren't duplicated in the pack and Vanessa had forgotten.

After five minutes, he had gathered all of Vanessa's things. Objective One complete. The monotreme checked the GPS again. The car was now parked in the Visitor's Lot.

Perry entered Heinz's bedroom next. The underside of the man's bed was filled with random machine parts, various forgotten articles of clothing, and crumpled bits of paper. Perry eventually found the emergency pack. Just as he suspected, the bag was open and almost empty. Heinz had used the materials inside in place of making trips to the market or doing loads of laundry, and the pack was nearly useless. Oh well, it would make a good carrying case for all the items Perry now needed to find.

Necessities first. Perry knew Heinz kept his insurance information, legal documents, and proof of US citizenship in an asbestos safe in the basement (he was paranoid about being wrongly deported back to his homeland), but Perry could gather the other important things before looking for the more nonsensical requests.

Perry had to grab Vanessa's old stepping stool that Heinz left out for his use to reach the underwear and sock drawers on Heinz's dresser. The thought of reaching in there triggered the monotreme's germophobia. Heinz had better be grateful. Perry grimaced as he gingerly grabbed a few newer looking pairs up by the elastic waistband and tossed them into Heinz's bag.

The night gown, slippers, and robe were on the floor by the night stand, and the pillow was easy to find. Perry didn't know which lab coat Heinz considered lucky, so he grabbed the seventh one from the left. The glasses, grind guard, wallet, Wexler biography, and snow globe were on the nightstand.

In the bathroom, Perry was forced to improvise what Heinz needed. After finding the obvious needs, Perry grabbed Heinz's vitamins and a few other bottles of pills it looked as though Heinz used regularly, making a mental note to have a doctor determine if they were compatible with heart medication. He was surprised to find the thesaurus on top of the hamper.

Perry stopped by the pantry before going into the living room. The kitten puzzle was on and end table; the _Love Handel_ CD, books on tape, and photo albums were on a shelf. Perry peaked inside and saw that most of the pictures were of Vanessa.

The only thing left that wasn't in the basement was the sketchbook. Approaching Heinz's desk, Perry was disappointed to see that Heinz had at least four different books. The man hadn't given any specifications.There was nothing for Perry to do but take a brief look inside each volume.

Perry opened the first and found that it contained original songs and choreography notes. It was so elaborate and detailed! Perry recognized the songs from the early pages- Heinz had performed them all. There were scribblings on each page about the number of dancers Heinz would need and the type of trap that would most optimize Perry's appreciation of the number. Lyrics were crossed out and rewritten, and Heinz often made remarks like "This is the A♯ above High C!" and "Find a way to get _Love Handel_!" Doodles and a few more elaborate drawings were prominent on each page.

There was even an entry from their first Neme-Versary when Heinz had written him a theme song! Perry remembered that day well. The words had been a bit silly and slightly awkward, but even the taciturn monotreme couldn't deny that the "Doo Bee Doo Bee Doo Bah" riff was catchy. Careful not to spoil himself by peaking at later pages, Perry decided to take this book to the scientist and placed it in the bag.

The second booklet contained nothing but blank blueprint pages. Perry decided it was best to leave it on the desk.

The third book was a hodgepodge of all Heinz's scheming needs. It was here that Heinz merged the mechanical blueprints with an appropriate monologue, musical number or tragic back story. There were sketches of traps, information on any vehicles Heinz might need, and notes on whether Norm's presence would be required. Pages upon pages were devoted to brainstorming. Perry decided that, though Heinz shouldn't do any actual _building_ or put any plans into action, there was no reason he couldn't write and draw about future ideas. He placed the book in the bag.

As soon as Perry opened the fourth book he felt guilty. This was a private place that Heinz had obviously never intended for Perry to see. But somehow, Perry couldn't just shut the book. Stunned, he turned through the pages to look at Heinz's sketches.

Heinz had taken the time to draw a picture of every disguise or costume Perry had ever worn. There he was in the little bear costume in the woods, right by an image of him in his Carl shirt. There was the plumber belt, and the Groucho Marx glasses, and the Dr. Wexler disguise, and the goatee and beanie hat from Steam Noir. There was a drawing of him smiling as he exercised with a sweat band on his fedora. A picture of him sitting in the passenger seat, wearing lederhosen and six seat belts. A sketch of him in a light blue ball gown. Correction: multiple sketches of him in a light blue ball gown. 

The only disguise missing was the outfit Heinz had thought was "fabulous." But Heinz had never learned that was really him, had he?

There were also drawings of unconventional situations. Perry strapped to a giant fire cracker. Perry trapped under a pilgrim hat and a chef hat. Perry shackled to a movie theater seat, one hand loose so that he could grab popcorn. Perry fighting off the malicious tentacle plants. The Devolition-Inator. Pruny the Dehydrapus. Perry's billboards with fake mustaches. Perry playing with an invisible cup. Perry as a bottom, and Perry as a top. Perry commanding his little arms and tails in battle. Perry asking for agave syrup at the platypus tea party, and Perry rolling about on the floor with Heinz shortly thereafter. Perry glaring up at Heinz that day with the Head-Over-Heels-Inator. Perry sitting at the table on the school night when the monotreme had stayed late to help Heinz with Vanessa. Perry crying on _The Dr. Feelbetter Show_ before reaching for his fedora.

The platypus shut the book. This was Heinz's private sketch pad, and Perry had no business skimming it's pages. He returned the book. He was ashamed for looking so long, and he didn't want Heinz to know he had invaded his privacy.

Perry glanced at the calender to check Vanessa's birthday before going to the basement. The numerical combination was indeed 6-15-96, and the password was "Doofalicious." Perry grabbed the needed documents and returned to the Pent House.

Looking at his GPS, Perry was surprised to see the car was still in the hospital parking lot. They had been visiting over an hour now. Perry hoped all was well.

Perry knew he should leave for the hospital and bide his time on the roof, but something was nagging at him. He had a morbid desire to go into the lab and see the place where Heinz had nearly died. He checked the GPS one last time before making his way into the familiar laboratory.

It was immediately apparent where it had happened. The high chair was still lying on the floor near a tool cabinet, and a socket wrench was lying next to it. The sight was chilling, However, it wasn't the most disturbing image in the lab. Not by a long shot.

The lab was filled with white candles on podiums draped with black velvet. Pictures of Heinz were scattered about, and vases of flowers covered most of the floor.

Norm. Norm had refused to believe Heinz was alive without proof. Perry had sent Norm away before proof could be provided. No one had thought to contact Norm. Norm had been alone mourning his dead father all day. Norm.

"Krkrkrkrkrkr?"

"HELLO, PERRY THE PLATYPUS." Norm came out from behind a machine. He was being delicate with the vase in his arms, but stepping on the vases on the floor. "I SEE YOU'VE COME TO PAY YOUR RESPECTS AT DR. D'S SHRINE."

Perry shook his head, but Norm ignored him.

"DR. D WAS MY FATHER. HE DIDN'T HAVE AS MUCH TIME FOR ME AS HE DID FOR MY SISTER, BUT HE CREATED ME AND I'LL ALWAYS LOVE HIM."

"Krkrkrkrkr!"

"YOU DON'T NEED TO LIE TO SPARE MY FEELINGS, PERRY THE PLATYPUS. I'M ALREADY PASSED THE FOURTH STAGE OF GRIEF, AND MOVING ON TO ACCEPTANCE."

Perry had no way to prove to Norm that Heinz was alive. He would have to get the scientist to make a phone call, or take Norm to the hospital. But he couldn't take the robot on this trip, and he needed to get going. He patted Norm's metallic leg.

"ARE YOU LEAVING?" Perry nodded. "THE DAY DAD CREATED ME, HE TOLD ME THAT HE BUILT ME TO DESTROY YOU. BUT THAT WASN'T TRUE. HE WAS LYING TO HIMSELF AND ME. THE FIRST THING HE EVER TOLD ME WAS A LIE."

The monotreme wasn't sure where Norm was going with this.

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY I NEVER MADE HIM PROUD. HE CREATED ME TO ASSIST HIM, AND HE RESENTS ME. YOU WERE CREATED TO DESTROY HIM, AND HE ADMIRES YOU. WHAT DID I DO WRONG?"

Perry didn't know what to say. He wondered what a certain little boy from Gimmelshtump would think if he could see the way his future self treated his robotic creation. Inventing Norm as a scapegoat for his insecurities and anger was perhaps the most evil thing Heinz had ever done.

"Krkrkrkrkr." Perry patted the robot's legs again.

"THANK YOU, PERRY. I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT YOU HAVE ME WORDS OF COMFORT IN MY TIME OF NEED."

Perry nodded before he left. The entire conversation had been disconcerting.

He checked the GPS before leaving. His family was still at the hospital. Why were they taking so long?

The family vehicle departed just as Perry covertly landed on the roof. He grabbed Heinz and Vanessa's things and hurried to Heinz's room. Vanessa was sitting in a chair in the hallway with a platypus balloon, lost in thought until she heard Perry approach.

"Oh, hey Perry. Dad's been asleep since you left. Are you staying long enough to eat?"

Perry shook his head as he handed the bags to the girl. She thanked him, and he pointed to the balloon.

"Oh, Monty brought that earlier. Before my Mom's friend came. Ferb and Candace's mom. Have I mentioned them before?"

Perry shrugged his shoulders.

"They're cool. Ferb is a smart kid. Gives great advice. We didn't really talk about anything important today."

Perry was glad to hear it. Now he needed to leave and get home before the Flynn-Fletchers.

"Wait! Can I ask you a question?"

Perry nodded.

"I overheard you and Dad talking this morning. You know, when In went out to call Mom. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I didn't want to interrupt. I heard Dad ask about your secret identity and I was wondering; what would happen if Dad built an -Inator or something and figured it out?"

Perry's insides were numb. He put his two fists side by side, extended his thumbs, and made a 'separation' gesture.

"They'd split you and Dad up, and he'd have a new nemesis?" Perry nodded again.

"Wow, that would be terrible. I don't know anything about where the Agents live, but I've always imagined you were in some sort of Platycave or something. In fact, as a kid I was afraid to go to the zoo because I was worried all the animals were Agents, staring at me from behind bars. Well, if I ever hear of Dad building a "Discover Secret Identity-Inator or something, I'll do my best to discourage him."

Perry nodded, and tipped his hat.

"Good bye, Perry the Platypus!"

As Perry flew home, his mind raced with possibilities. Did she know? Did she suspect? Vanessa had given a legitimate, plausible, innocent reason to be asking those questions. It could easily be a coincidence.

Perry hoped it was a coincidence.

Pulling into his lair, Perry decided not to report the possible infraction. He would keep this from Major Monogram as long as he had reasonable doubt.


	9. Further Complications Redux: Another Story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Perry was searching the DEI Building, Vanessa, the Flynn-Fletchers, and the Fireside Girls had an exciting adventure of their own…

Perry was gone only a few minutes before Vanessa received a call from Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher. The teen sighed as she leaned back into her chair to reflect. It had been an odd call. Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher reminded her of her own mother- much too curious yet completely unobservant at the same time. At least now Vanessa had the prospect of good food to anticipate.

If Vanessa was lucky, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher would bring Ferb along. Vanessa could really use a chat with him right now.

Vanessa was beginning to feel cramped inside Room 118 and decided to stay in the hallway. Dad had already followed Perry's orders and fallen asleep, and watching him rest brought back memories of last night.

Perry. Vanessa smiled as she read the small piece of paper again. Perry had given her Secret Information. Perry had trusted her. Perry had felt that she was important and reliable.

Perry had become the first adult figure in her life to _truly_ acknowledge that she was a responsible young woman and not a little girl. Vanessa was so proud.

She was confident that Perry wouldn't regret his decision. She would probably only need the number if Dad's health took a turn for the worse. She was savvy enough to get herself out of almost anything. However, she took comfort in knowing that Perry cared about her well being and that she had earned his trust.

Vanessa needed to add his number to her contacts list. She decided to enter him under a fake name. She didn't want Dad stumbling on the number accidentally, and she felt that "keep Perry's secrets" was a part of the new deal that had came with earning Perry's trust.

"Earning Perry's trust." Somehow that phrase was just as rewarding as "Earning a new car."

Vanessa decided Perry's codename would be "Bartholomew." It was random and Biblical, and no one would ever give a name like that to a platypus.

Bartholomew's contact information added, Vanessa read through the list of instructions Perry had written one more time to commit them to memory before tearing the paper to little shreds. Vanessa dunked the confetti in a small paper cup with water from the nearby machine to ensure the pieces were far beyond saving before dumping them in the trash and returning to her seat.  

There was nothing to do but wait. Her boredom soon gave way to the images from that night that had burned themselves into her memory. The way his head had landed only inches away from a socket wrench. His mouth hanging open, his right hand on his chest. The layer of sweat that had saturated his lab coat. How she had vomited into a nearby wastebasket during the 911 call. That stupid high chair pressing into his stomach...

"Hey there."

Vanessa jumped. A tall young man in a grey sweatshirt stood before her, holding a Steam Noir cup and pastry bag in one hand and a platypus balloon in the other.

"Monty!" Vanessa wasn't usually overly affectionate, especially in public, but she was so happy to see his friendly face that she ran over and hugged him. He returned the hug as best he could without dousing her with a steaming hot cappuccino. 

"I didn't mean to startle you when I said hello." Monty told her as she let go.

"You know, you're the second Monogram to tell me that today."

"Dad told me he was stopping by this morning. Did everything go okay?"

Vanessa reached for the pastry bag and grabbed the ginger scone before answering. "Yeah, I guess. Nothing leaked out. Thanks for the scone, Monty. You're the best."

"You have that look on your face, Vanessa. Something happened. Spill." He handed her the insulated cup.

"It's nothing. I already knew that your Dad doesn't like me."

"He wasn't mean to you, was he?"

"Oh no, he was very cordial. Until Carl tried to flirt with me and he got defensive. Said I was 'evil' and 'a bad influence.'"

"Well, you can be a little bit evil sometimes. And you did pull a gun on him in Paris."

"Monty Monogram, that was a hair dryer!"

"I know that, but he doesn't. Don't let it bother you, Vanessa. I like you the way you are. I like that you're just a little bit evil."

"Yeah, I know. But I'm not so sure that I do."

Vanessa sat down as she took another sip. Monty took the chair beside her. They sat in silence for a moment while Vanessa ate.

Monty Monogram was a freshman at the AWCA. It was refreshing to date an ambitious boy who was going somewhere in life. However, every rose had it's thorns. Monty seemed to see the world in black-and-white terms. He expected that she would either attend the AWCA and fight evil or follow in her father's footsteps. Monty viewed all neutral aligned activities and occupations as "hobbies".

A large part of him wanted her to be good. A reformed bad girl with a dark family history, breaking free of the shackles of destiny and working to atone for the sins of her forefathers. Perhaps a beautiful, aloof ally for justice with a slightly anti-heroic streak who would always ultimately choose the right path in the end. If things worked out between the two of them, they could even be an action couple of sorts.

Another part of him wanted her to be evil. A beautiful femme fatale or catsuit cat burgler who lived an exciting and exotic life. A mad scientist's beautiful daughter who embraced the past and worked to protect her family's interests, but was kindhearted enough to secretly assist a possible love interest. If things worked out between the two of them, they could be in some sort of "dating Catwoman" situation.

Monty Monogram had a flair for the dramatic. It was a bit annoying.

Like Monty, Vanessa had grown up hearing the words "good" and "evil" used to describe people and occupations. Unlike Monty, Vanessa wished to move beyond those boundaries. She wanted to be neutral.

Neutral. A person who lives their own life as they see fit, doing what they think is best for themselves and their loved ones. Someone who makes decisions without calling attention to how righteous or vile they are. She wanted to be someone that was normal, but not typical.

Vanessa knew she would make a great good guy and an even better bad guy. But she didn't want that. She didn't know what she wanted in life, and she had a year and a half before graduation to decide, but she was sure she didn't want that.

If Vanessa knew one thing, it was that she would never make an important, life altering decision on the basis of what would make her Dad or secret boyfriend happy.

Of course, she also knew that what you wanted was often not what you received. Sometimes the choice was taken out of your hands.

Monty would never _force_ her to do something. If asked, he would tell Vanessa that she could become anything she wanted. He simply didn't understand why someone raised in the culture wouldn't choose to stay and took for granted that she would make one choice or another. He planned to support her through either course she chose.

"So, how's your Dad? Have you learned anything since we spoke this morning?"

"Yeah. He's alright. He's already so much better than he was last night. They'll probably have to put in some stents. Dad's really tired. Right now he's taking Perry's advice and getting some rest."

"Agent P was here?"

"For most of the day, yeah. Why is that surprising?"

"I guess it shouldn't be. It's just that those two don't follow the textbook model of the Nemesis Dynamic at all."

"Real life is a lot more complicated than a text book, Monty."

"Now I'm having even bigger second thoughts about this balloon. Maybe I should take it back."

Vanessa looked up at the helium creature. The balloon took the shape of a typical wall-eyed platypus. The teen carefully took the balloon from Monty and gave it a closer inspection.

"He's cute. Why the regret?"

"Well, as soon as I walked out of the store I started having doubts. Where are you going to tell your Dad it came from?"

"To be honest, I think he'll be so excited to see a platypus balloon that he won't question it. He "secretly" collects platypi. He tries to be sneaky, but it doesn't work. I once caught him in a china shop looking at a collectable platypus plate for over twenty minutes. When I confronted him he claimed he was examining it for 'scientific purposes.'"

"But won't it make Agent P uncomfortable?"

"I doubt it. He's stumbled upon much worse." The topic settled, Vanessa tied the balloon to her chair.

They were quiet for a while, the teen sipping her coffee with Monty's arm around her shoulder, and Vanessa became lost in her thoughts. Old insecurities were eating at her insides. She wished she could confide in Monty, but she knew that was a bad idea. He might think her worries were childish; she knew she certainly did. Besides, any time they seriously discussed their fathers it became a 'bigger fish story' contest.

Vanessa's phone vibrated. "It's my friend Candace. She says her family is just entering the hospital. You'd better go, Monty. I don't want her mother telling my Mom about you."

"Alright. I'm going to be late for Acrobatics practice anyway. Do you think you'll be at the meet this Saturday?"

"I doubt it. Maybe next time."

"Take care of yourself, Vanessa. Call if you need anything." He kissed her forehead before departing. She watched him disappear around a corner.

Only a minute later she could hear the sound of many footsteps coming from behind that same corner. They must have passed Monty in the hallway. What a close call.

Vanessa had expected Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher. She had thought it likely that Candace would come, and hoped that Ferb would make an appearance. She had even considered it likely that Phineas would tag along with his brother. But she hadn't expected the entire gang to be accompanied by a group of excited Fireside Girls. Her mouth fell open as the herd of people made their way toward her.

"Hello, Vanessa. Long time no see." Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher joked. They had seen her last weekend at the wedding.

"... Hi."

Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher and Candace were sitting the various coolers, boxes, and Tupperware containers on the floor. Vanessa could smell roast beef. Once done helping her mother, an exhausted Candace plopped into the seat Monty had recently vacated.

"So, how is your father?" Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher asked. Vanessa was still overwhelmed by the sudden crowd and the smell of food. Eating that tiny scone had somehow made her hungrier.

"Fine."

"That's good, dear."

Phineas approached Vanessa's chair. He smiled up at the balloon. "That's a really neat balloon!"

"Yeah, my Dad-"

"He would look just like Perry if his beak wasn't so short!"

It took a moment for Vanessa to process what the kid had just said.

"... Come again?"

"I said he'd look a lot like Perry if his beak was longer. Perry is our pet platypus."

"... You have a pet platypus?" Ferb nodded in answer to her question. Like his brother, he was looking up at the balloon fondly.

"Isn't it weird?" Candace entered the conversation. "We could have gotten a normal pet like everyone else, but my brothers had to go and pick the strange animal that doesn't do much."

"Perry's the best pet we've ever had! Candace loves him too." The redheaded girl rolled her eyes, but didn't refute her brother's claim.

Vanessa's mind was numb. It couldn't be. There had to be a logical explanation. She remembered the conversation Dad had with Perry only this morning. " _Perry the Platypus, do you have a family?"_ Perry had refused to answer.

How popular a pet were platypi in Danville? She had seen various people with a platypus on a leash around town. Dad always stopped to watch them. And Perry had to be a common name. It was an obvious name for a platypus, right? Like "Oreo" for a black and white cat? There had to be dozens of platypi called Perry. What were the chances of Ferb's Perry and Dad's Perry being one and the same? Pretty slim indeed.

Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher interrupted her train of thought. "You should dig in. I need to take off for a moment. My neighbor wanted me to deliver something to a different patient." The woman then turned her attention to the troop of young girls. "Okay girls, stay together. Keep in touch and be back here in one hour." With no further explanation, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher left.

The Fireside Girls looked much too happy to be allowed anywhere near an intensive care unit. A dark haired girl Vanessa recognized from bouncing around the world (Isabelle, maybe?) began speaking to her cohorts in a clear and commanding voice. "Alright, girls! We're about to earn our 'Volunteer Hospital Entertainment' patches! And Phineas has agreed to help us!"

Phineas turned away from the balloon. "Yes, yes I have. On the way over, Ferb and I devised a plan to create a..."

The boy continued to speak as he left with the Fireside Troop. To Vanessa's surprise, Ferb stayed behind.

Candace groaned and sunk further into her chair. "Sorry about the stampede, Vanessa. I warned my Mom that bringing all the kids was a bad idea. I told her they would turn the hospital into a three ring circus. But does she listen? No!"

"It is a bit overwhelming."

"Oh! Before I forget, Mom made me bring you your math homework." Candace reached into a bag and produced several worksheets.

"Oh great. That will really lift my spirits. Thanks, Candace." Vanessa turned to face the boy. "Don't you want to go play with your brother?"

Ferb shook his head and took a seat on Vanessa's other side.

"It's sweet that you want to keep me company, Ferb, but I'm fine. You don't need to feel obligated. You can go with your friends."

Ferb didn't speak, but the look he gave her was easy to read. He didn't feel obligated. He wanted to stay, and he wanted to know that she was actually okay. Vanessa smiled.

"Wait, you're staying here?" Candace perked up a bit. When Ferb nodded, she stood and made a fist.

"Candace, what are you doing?"

"Isn't it obvious!? I can't seem to get Mom to see what my _brothers_ do, but maybe I could bust an _individual_ brother! They're always a team! You know the old saying! United they stand, divided they fall! This is it! This is my chance! I'll be right back, Vanessa!" Candace ran off fast enough to kick up a bit of dust.

"So, what _is_ Phineas doing?" Vanessa asked.

"At the moment? He's probably in the middle of a musical montage."

"You're sure you want to miss that just to sit with me?"

"I can assure you, I'll have plenty of other opportunities in the future."

"You don't mind if I eat, do you?" The boy shook his head. Vanessa crouched in front of the boxes and began digging for a plate and utensils.

Now that Vanessa thought about it, Ferb and Perry had a lot in common. And not just that they rarely (or never) spoke. They shared a similar demeanor, they were easy to talk with, and both seemed to firmly believe that actions spoke louder than words. They were brave, quick thinking, resourceful, and willing to risk almost anything to help protect family and friends. It didn't surprise Vanessa that they shared a connection.

Might share a connection. Probably didn't share a connection at all.

Curse that stupid platypus balloon.

"Do you want anything?" Vanessa asked as she scooped potatoes onto her plate. She hoped her voice sounded normal. She didn't look at him, but she could read in the Ferb-Silence that he had said 'no.'

Her plate now full, Vanessa found that she was oddly comfortable sitting on the floor between the cooler and the pile of Tupperware. She could see Ferb easily and still maintain the distance she needed to think. Vanessa smiled at him before crossing her legs, leaning into the wall behind her, and digging in.

What if Perry actually was Ferb's pet? What if Vanessa really _had_ just stumbled upon his secret identity? How much had changed in just a brief, innocent moment?

She had earned Perry's trust for a few hours before blowing it. Less than one day. Vanessa thought of all the lives that would be ruined because she was in the wrong place at the wrong time with a stupid platypus balloon. Ferb's, for one. His family seemed really fond of their pet. Ferb and his brother had both adored that little balloon just because it reminded them of their pet platypus. Perry's life, too. Vanessa didn't know what happened to an Agent after their cover was blown. What if Perry lost her Dad and his owners all in one day? And Dad... loneliness had defined his life. The events of today had been proof positive that Dad needed his nemesis in his life. Losing Perry over something so stupid would break him. She had just ruined at least seven lives.

Might have ruined seven lives. Probably hadn't ruined seven lives.

Oh, who was she trying to kid?

Why hadn't she let Monty take it back?

Sitting on the floor at the end of a horrible day, eating mashed potatoes with a plastic spork, drowning in feelings of loss and regret and blame- Vanessa felt like she was six years old again. Six years old and trying desperately to deny that her parent's divorce was all her fault.

Vanessa didn't realize she was crying until Ferb stood in front of her with a handkerchief. She sat her plate in her lap and took it gently. "Thanks, Ferb."

Ferb sat on the floor in front of her. They sat together between the towering stacks of food in silence, Vanessa crying while Ferb waited patiently for her to decide if she wanted to speak. Ferb had known her long enough to understand how much she hated looking vulnerable in public.

When her crying slowed a bit, Ferb tentatively placed his hand on top of hers. He seemed unsure of himself, perhaps worried that she would reject the gesture. Vanessa turned her hand so their palms touched and closed her fingers. He had hit a growth spurt. His hand wasn't that much smaller than hers now.

"I'm fine. It isn't anything you should worry about. Really, it isn't. But I don't think I should talk about it."

He remained silent, but closed his fingers and gave her hand a gentle squeeze.

"Ferb? Ferb, I just... thank you, Ferb. For that day in Paris. If I hadn't met him half way..."

The boy squeezed her hand again.

"Everyone's right. Sometimes I am evil. And I hate it, I really do, but when I'm angry or I _really_ want something I get so hotheaded and... well, I can be a real jerk. And I used to be so mean to my Dad. Not that he didn't sometimes deserve it, but... well, I'm just so glad we started getting along better before this happened. Do you know how insincere it would have looked if I only started getting along with him now? I might not always understand him, but I do love him. And Dad _knows_ that I love him. I owe a lot of that to you, Ferb. You've been such a wonderful friend these past few months, and even though I don't see you that often I'm not sure what I'd do without you. Thank you."

In this moment Ferb wasn't silent; he was speechless.

Ferb might be eleven going on twelve, but sometimes he seemed much older. He was the most profound person she had ever met. Ferb was a prodigy, and Vanessa fully expected that he would grow up to be the head of NASA, or a Mythbuster, or something equally difficult and ridiculous and wonderfully amazing.

Wait. She was doing that annoying thing Monty did, projecting expectations on the kid. Vanessa forced herself to stop thinking that way. Ferb could be a rodeo clown, or a salesman, or a movie director, or whatever he wanted to be. He didn't need her forming high expectations and rigid demands. Smart kid like Ferb, he'd get enough of that from everyone else.

Vanessa resumed eating with her free hand. She was still extremely worried, but this was one situation where talking with Ferb couldn't help. She needed to stay strong until he left and then sort out her options before Perry returned.

"Vanessa," Ferb began after a moment. She looked up at him. "Having traits that some consider to be personality flaws doesn't make you evil. It makes you human."

Hearing it from someone who wasn't "Good" or "Evil" by profession, Vanessa saw the issue from a new point of view. If her last name didn't adorn a giant purple skyscraper followed by the words "Evil Inc." would anyone consider her evil? Or be so quick to question her moral alignment? Sure, they might think she was over confident. That she was hot headed, or petty, or self centered. Some might even consider her a stuck up witch. But would they consider her evil? She had witnessed other kids at school engage in much more dangerous or spiteful behavior without being branded with that incriminating word. She had spent her entire life trying to ignore the label she subconsciously added to all of her mistakes and flaws when, in reality, she wasn't that much worse than everyone else.

Vanessa smiled at him. "Hmm. I guess you're right." She took another bite before speaking again. She knew she shouldn't burden a little kid with her troubles, but it was so easy to open up to him. Not because he was quiet, but because he was genuinely intrigued by almost everything she said.

"I was mad at Dad a lot when I was little. For a few years in elementary school it was even worse than it was at the beginning of last summer."

Ferb repositioned himself so that he was sitting closer, but let go of her hand. Vanessa picked the plate up from her lap and took a few more bites. She wanted to share this story, but at the same time she didn't.

"My parents got divorced when I was six. I can barely remember them being very happy together. They fought a lot. Not physically. There was no abuse. It was mostly passive aggressive. They tried to hide it from me, but neither one was very good at it. I can't even remember what they fought about, I just remember the harsh whispers coming through the walls as they tried not to scream at each other."

"When they split up, Dad blamed himself. Loudly and openly. He cried about it a lot. He placed all the blame on himself, and Mom never told him he shouldn't, so I blamed him too. I told myself that if Dad was more normal they would still be married and we would still be a family."

"You see... it's... I had to blame Dad for ruining the marriage. Because if I wasn't blaming Dad for the marriage _ending_ , I was blaming _myself_ for it starting in the first place."

There it was. For the first time in ten years her cliched worries were laid bare for someone to see.

"My parents really did love each other. For a while. Sometimes Mom will tell a story that starts with, 'When I fell in love with your father' or 'Back when I loved your father' and I can tell she means it. And Dad still has pictures of Mom hanging up in his house."

"Sometimes, people fall in love but have no business being married. I know that sounds bizarre, Ferb, but it's true. I don't believe in soul mates. I think we just find people who make us happy in some way and cling to them, and that there is no 'one true love'. There are lots of possibilities. Sometimes two people legitimately fall in love with each other, but only for a while. Maybe they have a lot in common or share a certain background. They see each other for a while, and then they grow up and go their separate ways. They don't regret each other; they grew and developed together for years, and they'll always keep a special place for one another in their hearts. But they shouldn't bind themselves together."

"That should have been my Mom and Dad. Two happy people who love each other for awhile before moving on with their own lives and pursuits to go their separate ways. But it didn't happen that way."

"I might have been six, but I wasn't an idiot. I could count, and I knew a lot about the world. I knew my birthday was only seven months after their anniversary."

"I don't think either of them realizes I know why they got married. Mom likes to talk about me being born prematurely. But I think I look pretty healthy in my baby pictures. Grumpy, but healthy."

"They really did love each other. They dated for over a year before they, to quote Mom, 'Loved each other so much we just couldn't wait to get married' and decided to elope. Seven months before I was born."

"It was so hard last weekend, listening to Mom gush with her friends about finally getting the big wedding she had always wanted."

"So, because of me, two people who had no business getting married in the first place spent six years of their lives trying to make something work out. All the fighting, all the cold shoulders, all the pain of a failed marriage was because of me."

"So I blamed Dad. It was easier than thinking that my _existence_ had ruined lives." Vanessa tried not to think of the parallels between causing a divorce and blowing Perry's cover.

Vanessa fell silent. Ferb took her hand again.

She could imagine what had happened that day seventeen years ago when her parents had discovered the pregnancy. Her mom had probably been worried and embarrassed. Her Dad, the childish idiot, had probably not even noticed her worries through his own joy. He would have proposed immediately and been ecstatic at the thought of gaining a wife and a child all at once. Too bad it hadn't worked out.

That man had almost died today. And probably lost his significant friend. After she had been so mean to him for so long. Sometimes Vanessa didn't know why her father insisted on liking her so much.

"Thanks for listening, Ferb. I'm sorry for bothering you with this."

Ferb grasped her hand tighter, looked her in the eyes with a steely expression, and shook his head slightly. His meaning was clear. Don't ever consider it a bother. Don't ever hesitate to talk to me. Don't ever think you don't deserve help or friendship, or a shoulder to cry on.

"... I... thanks, Ferb."

"Hey Bro, you missed it!" Phineas and the Fireside Girls had returned, beaming from ear to ear. Each of the girls had a shiny new badge attached to their sashes.

"Hehehehe!" Candace approached, dragging her mother by the heels. She spotted her redheaded brother. "Wait, where did it..."

"Candace, this is an intensive care unit! Could you _quietly_ tell me what I'm supposed to be seeing?"

"Mom, Phineas and the Fireside Girls made an imaginary karaoke machine that allowed all of the patients to have a Classic Rock Dance Party and Sing Along!"

"Imaginary? You're trying to bust them for playing make believe?"

"No! Not make believe! I mean they connected everyone's imaginations to the party, allowing people who can't normally move to dance and sing and... and... it was a mental thing!"

"It was a really cool imaginary party, Mom. Candace sang for everyone!"

"That sounds like fun." the woman said as she ruffled her son's hair. She turned to Vanessa. "You should have enough food to get by until tomorrow. Now, I want you to call if you need anything. Candace or I can stop by if there are any problems."

"I'm fine, Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher. Thanks for the food."

As the woman turned her attention to the many children, Candace walked over. "So, when do you think you'll be back at school?"

"I don't know. I haven't given it much thought."

"I'll take extra notes for you, alright. Oh, and Jeremy's band has written some new songs! They're amazing! I'll burn you a CD of their sound test; it will really cheer you up!"

"Sounds great." Vanessa lied. The worst part about her new friendship with Candace was listening to Jeremy's bubblegum pop.

"Okay kids, say good bye. We're leaving."

Farewells came from all directions as the kids began to walk away. Vanessa grabbed Ferb's arm before he could leave.

"Thanks, Ferb." She kissed him on the forehead. He stood there for a moment before blinking, nodding his head at her, and rushing off to catch up with his brother.

"Gee Ferb, your design worked perfectly! You should have seen the way..." Vanessa watched and listened as the two boys departed.

Alone again, Vanessa carried the food into Room 118. Her Dad was still asleep. Once done, Vanessa returned to the hallway and took her seat. That stupid balloon was floating right above her head.

Now that she was alone and Ferb had cheered her up, Vanessa could think more clearly. She couldn't be sure that one Perry was the same as the other. And until there was definitive proof, she should give the monotreme the benefit of the doubt.

She was thinking of popping that stupid balloon when she heard movement to her left. There stood Perry, burdened with bags from the DEI Building, staring at the floating helium devil. Vanessa hadn't expected him so soon. She needed to play it cool. She wondered if he knew his family had just left.

Darn it, Vanessa! He probably didn't even know them!

"Oh, hey Perry. Dad's been asleep since you left. Are you staying long enough to eat?"

Perry shook his head. Good. She wouldn't have to really put on a front until tomorrow. Perry pointed at the balloon.

"Oh, Monty brought that earlier. Before my Mom's friend came. Ferb and Candace's mom. Have I mentioned them before?" Perry shrugged his shoulders. It was hard to read his emotions.

Well, now the stupid balloon had to stay.

"They're cool. Ferb is a smart kid. Gives great advice. We didn't really talk about anything important today." Vanessa hoped she sounded normal. That last bit was a bold faced lie, but if it helped maintain Perry's cover it was worth it. Besides, she could lie without being evil.

When Perry turned to leave, Vanessa's curiosity got the better of her. She had to know what was at stake.

"Wait! Can I ask you a question?"

Perry nodded.

"I overheard you and Dad talking this morning. You know, when I went out to call Mom. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but I didn't want to interrupt. I heard Dad ask about your secret identity and I was wondering; what would happen if Dad built an -Inator or something and figured it out?"

Perry looked surprised and a bit worried. He put his fists together, used his thumbs as arrows, and made a gesture that could only mean one thing: the Agency would tear them apart. Vanessa could infer that this applied to the family as well.

"They'd split you and Dad up, and he'd have a new nemesis?" Perry nodded again.

"Wow, that would be terrible. I don't know anything about where the Agents live, but I've always imagined you were in some sort of Platycave or something. In fact, as a kid I was afraid to go to the zoo because I was worried all the animals were Agents, staring at me from behind bars. Well, if I ever hear of Dad building a "Discover Secret Identity-Inator or something, I'll do my best to discourage him."

More lies. She reminded herself of what Ferb had said.

Perry nodded, and tipped his hat before leaving.

"Good bye, Perry the Platypus!"

The Agent was gone. It wasn't that late, but Vanessa was exhausted. She entered her father's room with the goodies Perry had brought and the balloon. She tied it to the railing of her Dad's bed before changing into her pajamas and climbing into the other cot for an early night's sleep.

Yes, she would keep her knowledge a secret for as long as there was reasonable doubt.


	10. Family History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A day after the medical emergency, Perry has resolved to do whatever he can to help the evil scientist recover. But it can be difficult for Heinz to focus, especially when family issues arise.

“Krkrkrkrkr!”

“Good morning, Perry!”

Phineas jumped out of bed and began feeding the fish in his headboard tank, but Perry and Ferb rose more slowly. Poor Ferb looked as though he hadn’t gotten much sleep. As he stretched his tail and spine, Perry carefully watched the boy out of one eye. Ferb climbed out of bed in his normal manner, meaning there had been no nocturnal incidents keeping him awake. The boy must have been thinking.

Perry had slept surprisingly well. His nemesis was healing, his boys didn’t suspect a thing, and (in the unlikely event that she had any suspicions in the first place) Vanessa had done well in keeping his secret.

Vanessa was the only loose end left in the equation.

Piecing together what had happened at the hospital had been surprisingly difficult. Phineas and Ferb had had another Big Idea that Ferb had missed; that much was obvious. Phineas couldn’t stop telling his brother about all the fun he had skipped.

“That light show you programmed was spectacular! You should have seen the way the lights shimmered on the crystal disco balls! And there were no glitches in the mental plug in! Everyone at the Imaginary Party had a blast! It’s too bad you missed it, Ferb. You always make a party more interesting. We could have used you as a DJ!”

Their invention sounded really cool, and Perry hadn’t been surprised to learn that a nurse had begged the boy to let the hospital keep it as a way to boost morale and communicate with comatose patients. Giving people the opportunity to live and interact in a dreamlike reality was remarkable. The mind-meld capabilities were truly spectacular, and the breakthrough would have made less generous inventors billionaires. Perry looked forward to entering the designs into his private files on the OWCA network later in the morning.

Aside from the Imaginary Party, Perry didn’t know much about what had happened. Candace had tried to bust Phineas, but gotten caught up in the fanfare. And he knew Ferb had stayed with Vanessa. Perry didn’t know more than that. Vanessa had said she and Ferb didn’t “talk about anything important.” Perry wondered what that meant.

The entire Flynn-Fletcher family had gone overboard in pampering their monotreme last night. Linda had heated up a can of tuna as a special hot treat, and Lawrence engaged him in a friendly game of tug-of-war. Even Candace, when alone, had taken a few minutes to sit at the foot of the stairs and pet the “meatbrick.” The special attention had done at lot to calm Perry’s nerves. He had really needed the support of a relaxing evening, though obviously not for the reason the Flynn-Fletchers had suspected.

After their homework was done, the boys had given Perry a bath. Ferb had been the one to towel Perry dry while Phineas put the supplies away. He had checked to make sure the monotreme was suffering no side effects from nearly choking and experiencing the Heimlich Maneuver before cuddling with his pet. He held Perry close and snuggled for a good fifteen minutes before Phineas had come to see what they were doing and join in, and Ferb had only said one thing the entire time.

“I just love her so much…”

That sentence said a lot, but nothing specific enough for Perry to latch onto. Apparently Ferb didn’t consider their conversation to have been about “nothing important,” but Ferb’s definition of important could easily be different from Vanessa’s.

Poor lovesick kid. Perry hoped Ferb got over it soon. Everyone’s lives would be so much easier.

Both boys were now dressed and ready for school. They were tinkering with an old fashioned motor as they waited for their mother and Candace to get ready. Perry enjoyed watching them play together and tried not to think of them getting older. Ferb had already hit the early stages of puberty, and Phineas couldn’t be too far behind.

Perry hoped they wouldn’t grow apart as they grew up.

“Boys, come get some waffles!” Linda called from the kitchen.

“Waffles with doonkleberries on top?” Phineas called as the two boys ran down the stairs.

The sun was rising higher, but it didn’t bother Perry. He closed his eyes and relaxed on the S.S. Phineas until the boys had finished eating. They ran upstairs to grab their book bags, and Perry followed them back down to the lower level. Fresh food and water waited for him in the kitchen. Perry watched his children scuffle out the door (“Be careful with your food!” Phineas had warned) before turning his attention to the grub.

The one bad thing about accepting social invitations from Heinz was that Perry’s taste buds had been ruined. For the first two years of his life, Perry had eaten nothing but platypus food, the occasional piece of butter-free popcorn, and cans of tuna. He had thought nothing of it. But after being Heinz’s nemesis for six months, he had finally relented and shared a snack with the scientist. He had never tasted people food before, Heinz wasn’t doing anything evil that day, and the marvelous chocolate cookies had smelled too wonderful to turn down. Perry had gotten carried away and eaten so many that he was sick later that night.

And he had ended up being trapped inside a giant glass measuring cup.

Perry liked the platypus food alright. It provided great sustenance, and it was very nutritious. However, it wasn’t near as exciting as the treats Heinz would share with him. Perry hoped that Heinz and Vanessa would offer him leftovers from Linda’s meal last night. After five years of smelling, it would be nice to taste the same food his boys normally ate.

Once he had eaten, Perry found a lair entrance through the refrigerator. He shivered slightly as he moved toward his chair to store the data on Phineas and Ferb’s most recent inventions. He had procrastinated a bit lately, and he had a weeks worth of blueprint scans to sort and file. It was a good time killer. He didn’t want to arrive at the hospital too early.

After uploading the documents, Perry still felt it was too early to leave his lair. Heinz and Vanessa both needed rest after the events of yesterday and Perry didn’t want to disturb them.

Perry decided to make a list of some of the things Heinz needed to do or ask. The poor man needed supervision in even the most ordinary of circumstances, and couldn’t be expected to think ahead enough to work through these issues without help. Charlene wasn’t in town to assist him, and now that the woman had remarried Heinz needed to be weaned away from her support. Perry didn’t want the burden to fall on Vanessa. She had enough to deal with without having to take on adult responsibilities like paying bills and making legal connections. No, it was Perry who needed to step into the role of helpmeet and make sure Heinz kept his affairs in order.

Perry couldn’t do these things for Heinz. But he could make sure Heinz did them, and help wherever he could. After all, the smoother things went, the sooner Heinz would get better. And the sooner Heinz regained his health, the sooner they could return to the moments when they didn’t get along.

He took out his notepad and made a to-do-list.

  * Contact Norm
  * Contact your regular doctor
  * Contact your insurance company
  * Ensure you won’t be late on any payments- Don’t lose your building again!!!
  * Ask about the compatibility of medications
  * Ask when you can schedule medical appointments 
  * Determine with Charlene & Vanessa when she should return to school
  * Cancel next week’s LOVEMUFFIN meeting (or request a change of venue)



At 9:00 Perry decided there was enough on the list to start out. He hopped into his favorite winter rocket car and departed for Tri-State Regional.

From the rooftop he made his way down to Room 118, ignoring the looks various members of the staff gave him. Heinz and Vanessa would treat him like a person, and that was all that mattered. As he approached, Perry could hear voices coming from inside.

“-without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental introspec—”

“Dad?”

“Yes, Vanessa?”

“I know you get a kick out of reading to me like old times, but are you sure this isn’t wearing you out?”

“I had a heart attack, not a throat attack. Don’t worry, pumpkin, I could go on talking for hours.”

“That I believe.” Perry could hear the smile behind the words from his place in the hallway.

“You know, the information in this book will be very helpful to you if you follow in my eeevil footsteps! Who knows, you could be the head of LOVEMUFFIN one day!”

“Would that even be allowed? I thought it was the ‘MR. LOVEMUFFIN’ Pageant.”

“Times are changing, sweetheart! Every year there are more and more evil opportunities for women! The olden days when ladies could do nothing but be hench wenches are long over! You could help destroy the glass ceiling, Vanessa!”

“Dad, you’re the only evil scientist with a daughter. And all the boys in the ‘next generation’ either dislike me or like me _way too much_ to ever consider letting me be the leader.”

“Yeah, well right now they’re teenage boys. Teenage boys are idiots.”

“I just don’t think that will- oh, hi Perry!”

“Ah, Perry the Platypus! It’s so good to see you! And by ‘good to see you’ I actually do mean ‘good to see you!’ I missed you last night! Thanks for bringing all this stuff.”

Heinz’s bed and side table were littered with things from the DEI Building. He had surrounded himself with Perry’s “gifts” much like a child would on Christmas Morning. The Wexler book was open on his lap. Heinz was wearing the purple robe over the lab coat _over_ the hospital gown. He looked a bit ridiculous.

Vanessa was curled up on her own bed, wearing a loose fitting _Scraping Fangs_ T-Shirt and cotton shorts. Perry had never seen her in her nightwear before. She smiled at him as she climbed out of bed. Perry noticed her eyes flicker over to the platypus balloon tied to Heinz’s bed.

“I’m going to go change. I’ll be back out in a bit.” She grabbed her purple bag and her cosmetics case and departed for the bathroom.

“Perry the Platypus, I saved you a seat!” Heinz patted the one spot on his bed that wasn’t covered with junk. There was one tiny free space, the spot where Perry had sat yesterday when he held Heinz’s hand, and it was just big enough for the monotreme to sit comfortably. Perry rolled his eyes, but jumped up to claim his spot just the same.

“Did you see this?” Heinz pointed at the balloon. Perry nodded. “He was here when I woke up. I haven’t decided whether I want to call him Platyloon or Balloonypus. I guess it depends on whether or not I can find a tiny little helium hat. ‘Perry the Platyloon’ sounds better than ‘Perry the Balloonypus,’ don’t you think?”

Heinz should know better than to expect Perry to have an opinion on such a stupid issue. Perry folded his arms looked up at him incredulously.

“Okay, I guess that question was a bit awwwwkward. Let’s blame that on the medication and move on. Okay, Perry the Platypus?” Perry tilted his head slightly before giving the man a curt nod.

“Good. So anyway, I’ve been looking through all the things you brought. You make being in the hospital much less boring. It’s nice. So, what do you want to dooo?” Maybe the medication really was getting to Heinz. Perry pulled out the to-do-list he had made and gave it to the scientist.

After reading the first few lines, Heinz huffed and tossed the piece of paper onto the nearby table. “It’s too eeaarly to work, Perry the Platypus. You just got here and you want to get down to business? It isn’t even ten yet! Can’t we do something a little fun first?”

Perry sighed. Heinz was going to need a lot of pushing. However, the monotreme decided that there was no harm in relaxing for a while. He _had_ just arrived. Perry looked at the scientist inquisitively, wondering what the man could have in mind.

“Oooh! I know!” Heinz reached for a photo album. “Have I ever showed you these pictures? Come sit here so you can see!” Heinz started rearranging the piles by his side, creating a spot for Perry to sit beside him and view the album.The puzzle box and sketchbooks clattered on the floor.

Perry hesitated. Now that Heinz was out of immediate danger, he was a bit more reluctant to sit so close. But Heinz looked so eager and enthusiastic, rearranging his pillows so that Perry could use one as a seat and leafing through the pages, that Perry couldn’t refuse. Perry moved into the place by Heinz’s side, the fluffy pillow giving him enough height to see the pictures easily.

“I think this is a Halloween album! Oh look! Vanessa is three years old!” Vanessa was scowling at the camera, wearing a black cat costume and carrying a pumpkin bucket. “She was such a cute black kitty! She spent the entire night growling and hissing at people instead of saying ‘Trick or Treat!’ It was so precious.”

There were at least ten pages of Black Cat Vanessa before they came upon pictures of Zombie Vanessa, followed by Witch Vanessa and Dinosaur Vanessa, sometimes accompanied by either Heinz or Charlene.  Perry wondered if the child was really as disagreeable as her frowning images would indicate, or if she had simply always hated having her picture taken. There were pictures of her smiling, but they were candid shots where she didn’t know she was being photographed.

It was fun watching Heinz light up at certain memories and point out all the little details.

At the end of the album there were pictures of a nine year old Vanessa. “This was the year her Great Aunt Adelheid came to visit my parents from Drusselstein and brought her a pretty pink princess costume to wear. She refused. You see, Vanessa wanted to be the Queen of the Vampires that year. My mother was so mad at me for not making my baby girl wear the princess outfit. Said I had insulted Aunt Adelheid’s honor or hurt her feeelings or something.”

The last few pages of the book were devoted to Vanessa in a black and red dress with a silver skull crown and fake Vampire teeth. When they had viewed the last picture, Heinz shut the book and sighed.

“Looking back, I’m really glad I ignored my mother and let her choose her costume. You see, Perry the Platypus, the next year she refused to go trick or treating at all. Said it was for babies and that she was too old. She stayed home at her mother’s house and handed out candy to all the other kids.” Heinz reached for a different album.

It was sad. For as long as he had known her, Vanessa had shown a burning desire to be grown up and independent. To be completely self reliant. And sometimes she would give up on the funner sides of childhood to accomplish that goal. Candace was fifteen and still went trick or treating with her younger brothers. Vanessa had stopped when she was ten. Younger than Phineas was now.

“Dad! Why are you showing him old baby pictures?!” Vanessa was fully dressed in her usual attire, but was toweling her hair dry as she approached.

“They aren’t baaaby pictures, sweetheart. You’re almost ten years old in this album.”

“It’s embarrassing! Besides, Perry isn’t interested in seeing old pictures of me.”

“You think so? He didn’t seem to mind.”

It was true. While Perry would never request that Heinz show family pictures, he certainly didn’t dislike them. He was genuinely fond of Vanessa, and he could see how happy Heinz was when someone was interested in seeing his photograph collection. They also helped him better understand Heinz’s family. All of the pictures Perry had just seen had been taken before his egg had ever been laid. It was nice to see visual proof of non-traumatic back stories.

“He’s being polite, Dad. You’re boring him. You know, last week Mom tried to show Sam some old pictures and bored him out of his mind. He kept making up excuses until it got to the point where he had to flat out tell Mom he wasn’t interested in seeing them. Perry doesn’t want to hurt your feelings because you’re sick.”

“Alright, alright. I’ll put the pictures away.” Heinz mumbled something under his breath that sounded suspiciously similar to “Perry the Platypus is way cooler than _Sam_ ” as he shoved the albums away. Both Perry and Vanessa pretended they hadn’t heard him.

“Okay, sweetheart. What do _you_ suggest we do?”

“Hmmm. Well, maybe we could-“

“Hallo, Vanessa.”

The three occupants of Room 118 turned toward the door. There stood Heinz’s mother, wearing a traveling cloak and giving her granddaughter a weak smile. She entered the room with an air of impatience.

“…Good morning, Oma.” Vanessa’s grandmother gave the girl a quick, halfhearted one armed hug before taking off her cloak. She then walked to the end of Heinz’s bed and removed the top blanket without a word, knocking most of Heinz’s possessions to the floor, and used it to cover the stained chair so that she could sit down. Once seated, she looked over at her oldest son.

“Aren’t you going to say something, Heinz? Where are your manners? I came all this way to visit and you are ungrateful.”

“…….Hi, Mom.”

There was an uncomfortable pause as Mrs. Doofenshmirtz straightened her dress. Neither Heinz nor Vanessa seemed to know what to say.

“So, um, have I ever properly introduced you to my nemesis? Perry the Platypus, this is my mother. Mother, this is Perry the Platypus.” Perry managed to remember to tip his hat. They had seen each other at the Doofenshmirtz family reunion. It seemed everyone but Vanessa and Charlene (who hadn’t seen him, somehow) had glanced at him in surprise before realizing he was with Heinz and ignoring him.

“Yes, yes. I’ve seen your schnabeltier. So Heinz, tell me of your condition. How are you faring?”

Heinz seemed surprised and pleased that his mother had asked about his welfare. He launched into a long, waffling rant about falling in his lab and stents and how he couldn’t be thwarted for at least four weeks. It was obvious he enjoyed having his mother’s attention.

When Heinz finished talking, Mrs. Doofenshmirtz turned to Vanessa. “Schatz, could you find your Oma something to drink?” Vanessa hurried to the cooler in the corner and grabbed a juice box. 

“Danke.”

“Bitte.” Vanessa turned to her father. “Dad, I’m going to go in the hallway for a bit. I haven’t talked to Mom since yesterday.”

“Oh, how is her honeymoon going? She and Sam looked like such a lovely couple at the wedding.”

“Wait- YOU went to the wedding?” Heinz was flabbergasted.

“Of course. I’ve always liked Charlene.”

“No one told me you were there!”

“Must have slipped my mind.” Vanessa lied. It was obvious that Vanessa had deliberately kept this information from her father. “Alright, I’ll be out in the hallway if you need me.”

Perry wasn’t sure what he should do. It was awkward to be alone with Heinz and his mother. As a Secret Agent, he didn’t like interacting with people he didn’t know, and Heinz’s mother made him uncomfortable. But when he fidgeted on his pillow, Heinz looked down and have him _that look_. That pleading, “I don’t care if you let me blow up tomorrow, just don’t leave me alone right now” pitiful look. Perry settled back down into the pillow.

“She’s such a beautiful little girl. Sometimes it is hard to believe she’s yours.”

“Yes, yes it is.” The sincerity in Heinz’s voice tugged at Perry’s conscience.

“Does she have a serious beau? She didn’t have a date at the wedding. She turned everyone down too, but one little green-headed schnitzel.” Perry had to stifle a growl.

“I don’t think she’s seeing anyone right now.”

“You should do more to encourage her. You know when I was her age I was already betrothed to your father.”

“Yes, yes I know. But this is America. In the 21st Century. And she’s only a junior in high school.”

“If she could find a good husband she wouldn’t need an education. You know, she would probably already have a beau if you made her dress like a lady. And I’ve been telling you for years to set up a dowry, but do you listen to your mother’s advice?”

“ _Again_ : America. 21st Century.” Heinz was grinding his teeth. Perry had a new found respect for Heinz, not letting his mother ruin Vanessa’s life with her horrible child rearing ideologies.

“If Roger had a sixteen year old daughter, she would have a beau. I can’t even imagine how pretty-“

“I’ve had enough of this conversation.” Heinz folded his arms and looked very cross. No one but his mother would ever have been allowed to speak of Vanessa like that in his presence.

“So what have the doctors told you, Heinz?”

“I told you, they said-“

“No, no. I mean what caused it. Is it genetic? Or is it something you did to yourself?”

“They haven’t said.”

“Well, what do you think?”

“I don’t know. Does it reeaaly matter?”

“Of course it matters! I hate to think this could happen again to my precious little boy.”

Heinz’s eyes watered a bit. “Do you really mean that, Mutter?”

“Of course. I’d hate for some genetic disease to ruin his chances of being Governor one day. Did you know your brother Roger might run for Governor after one more term as mayor?”

Heinz’s eyes were now watering for a different reason.

“I’m not feeling so good. I think you should leave.”

“Very well.” Mrs. Doofenshmirtz stood and grabbed her cloak. “Do you have a message for your father?”

Father? Perry had always assumed the man was dead. He hadn’t been at the Family Reunion, and Heinz never mentioned him in the present tense.

“No, no I don’t. I haven’t spoken to him for twelve years, and this situation hasn’t changed my mind about anything.”

“I’ll tell him his son is stubborn and unforgiving.”

“And he’ll tell you I’m not his son.”

They stared at each other for a moment. Heinz broke the eye contact first, glancing down at his subconsciously wringing hands.

“Get better soon, Heinz.” the woman said faintly. With a swish of her cloak she was gone.

Perry and Heinz were alone for a total of three seconds before the man broke down, sobs wracking his body. He leaned forward to hug his knees. Perry gently rubbed the man’s back.

“I’m such a dummkopf, Perry the Platypus. I thought she was talking about me. Why did I think she was talking about me?”

Perry chattered gently and continued patting the man on the back. To think, that woman was the better of two parents. Even if Perry had been capable of speaking, he would not have known what to say.


	11. Sins of the Father

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heinz is in a terrible emotional state after his mother’s visit, and his self esteem has hit an all time low. Alone with only Perry the Platypus for comfort, Heinz shares a few deeply personal back stories.
> 
> (TRIGGER WARNING for a focus on Doofenshmirtz-esque child abuse and its effects on the psyche. There is a somewhat more intense back story towards the end.)

“What did I do wrong?” Heinz sobbed into his knees as Perry continued to pat his back. He was crying so hard that his body was shaking. “Why doesn’t she love me? Is it because I’m ugly? Because I have a stupid voice? Is it because I’m an idiot? But she didn’t know any of that before I was booooorn!” He continued to weep.

These tears were different from the tears shed yesterday. Yesterday he had been a father crying for his child, a man afraid of death crying out for answers, a repentant sinner crying over the mistakes of his past. Today he was a child crying out for his mother’s love and in desperate need of some indication that he wasn’t a waste of space and resources. That he deserved to breathe the same air as the rest of humanity. In this moment he was a little boy, dressed as a lawn gnome on a cold dark night without even a balloon for company.

Perry felt inadequate to help Heinz. Would it further depress the man to have a reminder that his only real friend was the monotreme who was paid cash money to destroy his things and halt his ambitions? A reminder that since childhood his closest relationships had almost always been with animals and inanimate objects? That his closest confidant was an often stand-offish platypus who probably wouldn’t feel comfortable telling Heinz just how much he meant to him even if he could speak? 

“I just want her to looove me! Is that really too much to ask?! Can’t I just have one day for her to be concerned about meee?!”

What could Perry do, other than continue to pat the man’s back much the same way he had after the kickball fiasco at the Reunion? This wasn’t like the time with Dr. Gevaarlijk where a fake grin and a little white lie could boost Heinz’s spirits. There wasn’t a liar in the Tri-State Area good enough to convince Heinz that his mother cared for him. And there was no point in trying to tell the man that he didn’t _need_ his mother’s love, that he was better off without it; not when he so obviously wanted her love and approval. Not when he so jealously hated his brother for somehow earning the love and respect he had never known.

But when Heinz’s sobs grew louder instead of softer and he brought one hand to clutch his chest, Perry immediately forgot his doubts and moved into action.

“Krkrkrkrkrkr!” Perry moved toward the front and placed a firm paw on the man’s free hand, causing Heinz to look up at him. Perry gave the man a sad smile and squeezed a finger as he produced a handkerchief from his hat.

Perry wasn’t sure how he had expected Heinz to respond. Maybe he had expected Heinz to hold his hand again, or give a weak smile in return and say, “Thank you, Perry the Platypus.” Maybe he had expected no change at all.

What he had _not_ expected was for Heinz to reach out without a flicker of hesitation and grab him, pulling him to his chest and wrapping both arms around Perry’s back before the monotreme had even realized he’d been lifted off his feet.

Suddenly Heinz’s chin was rested on Perry’s crooked hat, and Perry’s bill was laying flat against the man’s shoulder. Both of Heinz’s hands were clutching the fur on Perry’s back, and one elbow was bent in such a way that Heinz was supporting the platypus’ webbed feet. He hugged Perry tightly to his chest as he continued to weep, digging his fingers into the fur as if Perry was the only real thing in the room, as if worried that Perry would somehow disappear if he loosened his grip.

Perry’s eyes were wide and his fur stood on end. He had not expected this, and he was uncomfortable. His muscles tensed, and his Secret Agent instincts wanted to find a way to break free from the sudden trap. Pressed against the thin hospital gown and nestled between the flaps of the lab coat and robe, Perry could hear Heinz’s heartbeat and feel the warmth of Heinz’s body heat. The unexpected and sudden influx of new sensations disoriented him, and Perry didn’t like it.

By the time Perry had recovered from the initial shock of being displaced, Heinz’s crying had already began to soften. The man’s grip was still tight, but he was no longer shaking uncontrollably. Heinz took a deep breath.

As he became more oriented with the sudden turn of events, Perry began to relax a bit in Heinz’s grip. The muscles in his legs remained tense, but his nerves began to settle and the muscles in his back and neck began to unclench. Heinz’s breathing slowed, and Perry’s breathing resumed, and Perry found himself settling into a slightly more comfortable position, moving his bill further from the man’s neck but pressing deeper into the shoulder blade. Being held so closely was awkward, but Perry could tolerate this if it made Heinz better.

Heinz was still crying softly, but he was now more relaxed. He leaned against the headboard and began to ruffle the fur on the back of Perry’s neck with his thumb while he maintained his tight grip. It felt nice. Maybe the hugging wasn’t quite so bad, after all.

After a few minutes, Heinz whispered, “Perry, I… Thank you, Perry the Platypus. I’m not sure why you even _want_ to be here, but… thank you.”

Of course Perry wanted to be there. In this brief moment there was no place Perry would rather be. Meaning at the hospital to support Heinz and Vanessa, not Heinz’s arms specifically. Obviously.

But even the monotreme had to stop and wonder _why_. Heinz was his nemesis, both a self proclaimed evil genius and a childish idiot with a skewed grasp of reality. He was loud and daft. He made terrible puns and went overboard with his obsessions. He had peculiar habits and bad breath. He was petty and over emotional and ridiculous.

Yet Perry knew that he would never have a closer friend than Heinz Doofenshmirtz.

 _Why_ though? _Why_ had Perry allowed himself to become so fond of the scientist?

Was it because Perry had a very limited social circle? He had never really connected with the other animal Agents on a personal level. He was too purpose driven, and his usual serious demeanor seemed to be a turn off. He respected his fellow Agents, and many seemed to look up to him, but they weren’t close friends. The last “social visit” he had was with Peter the Panda at the Space Needle when they had decided to have lunch and sort through various feelings and boundaries regarding the scientist. Of course, Heinz had interrupted that little excursion.

And while he liked Major Monogram and Carl, he had always felt it best that he refrain from engaging in social behavior with them when possible. Perry had discovered in the early days of training that the Major was prone to serious bouts of unprofessionalism, and Perry felt that _someone_ in Division M needed to be responsible. He respected Major Monogram greatly, but sometimes his inefficient policies became annoying.

The Flynn-Fletchers were his family, and Phineas and Ferb were _his_ boys. But he had a secret identity to maintain, and he couldn’t interact with them as a sentient being. Every minute he spent with those two boys more than made up for the difficulty and heartbreak of maintaining a cover. But sometimes it hurt that he couldn’t tell them about his problems or gush about his favorite shows or share his favorite foods with them. He had to feign mental vacancy.

Loneliness was an emotion known to catalyze even the most unlikely of friendships. And it was certainly part of the reason Perry had grown attached to Heinz. In the early days of their animosity Heinz had always been so _insistent_ on being friendly when he wasn’t being evil (and sometimes even when he was) that he had slowly evolved from being a job to being a friend. Heinz was Perry’s first genuine friend, and a large part of the reason Perry didn’t consider himself lonely.

But loneliness certainly wasn’t the only reason Perry had become the scientist’s friend.

No, no it wasn’t.

In this moment, pondering his friendship with the man who was currently sniffling and holding him tightly in his arms, Perry finally realized what had caused him to start developing an emotional attachment all those years ago. Why he had accepted their bizarre friendship. Why he was so willing to tolerate the man for longer than it took to press a self destruct button, and why he had started empathizing.

Heinz Doofenshmirtz was Phineas Flynn.

Or rather, he was what Phineas would become if the boy was abused, neglected, and stifled. And Phineas was what Heinz could have been, if only his parents had given him a chance.

After a few years of skepticism, Perry had been forced to accept the fact that all of Heinz’s back stories were either true or the result of a misunderstanding that Heinz considered to be true. With the possible exception of the back stories that accompanied decoy -Inators, Heinz never made them up. Perry had met Balloony, and Major Monogram himself had proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that Heinz really had been temporarily adopted by ocelots. Spending even a moment around Mrs. Doofenshmirtz was all the proof Perry had ever needed to know she was capable of having done everything Heinz said.

Even with the horrible circumstances of his childhood, young Heinz had been optimistic and creative. He had thrown his own birthday parties, created a long lasting spray that had preserved Balloony far beyond the usual life expectancy for a carnival balloon, and even built his first -Inator at a younger age than Phineas had been when he brought his first Big Idea to reality. And that was without having the security of loving parents and a nourishing home. Without an overprotective big sister to keep him safe and out of trouble. Without having a partner and muse like Ferb to help coordinate and offer technical expertise, to give the projects and ideas a solid foundation on which to flourish and grow. Without friends to inspire and, in turn, be inspired by. 

Heinz Doofenshmirtz had been a prodigy with so much to offer the world. Where would he have gone in life if he’d grown in an environment like the one Phineas knew? Would his name be up there alongside other great innovators? Would he be happy? Would Perry have ever met the man?

As Heinz continued to sniffle and hold Perry close, Perry wrapped his right arm around the man’s neck and returned the hug. His left arm was caught between Heinz’s chest and arm, but he could grasp the fabric of Heinz’s lab coat. He was no longer merely _being held_. He was holding back, clinging to the man who, in a perfect world without abuse and neglect, he would never have met.

Heinz shifted a bit, and Perry closed his eyes and somehow found the strength to hug the scientist even harder. Why had Perry been so reluctant? Hugging was good, hugging was nice, hugging was…

… over.

Heinz sat up straight and loosened his arms, surprising Perry by pulling him away and setting him back on the bed. Heinz wiped his eyes with one hand as he smiled at the monotreme.

“I’m sorry about that, Perry the Platypus. I know you aren’t really into the touchy-feeeeely stuff. I was just so upset that I went a liiiitle overboard.”

Perry nodded, straightened his hat, and tried not to look disappointed.

“It’s just… ever since I was a little boy, my mother has always been so distant. At first I thought nothing of it. Some people are just like that, you knooow. It was the norm and that was okay, until my brother Roger came along. Roger was born, and she loved him so much. I never did discover what he had done to earn her approval so young that I didn’t do. The kickball and the manners, that all came later. He had her love right off the bat, and I never did find a way to deserve it. What’s wrong with me?”

Perry took a seat facing Heinz, and the scientist picked up the handkerchief Perry had dropped earlier and used it to loudly blow his nose. He tried to hand the handkerchief back, but Perry waved it away. That was one handkerchief Heinz could keep.

“Now that I’m a father, I look back and try to find a motivation for what my parents did. And sometimes I can’t. For instance, you remember the pool back story, right? How I wasn’t allowed to swim in public pools? Do I need to go over that again?” Perry tilted his head, indicating that he did indeed remember that back story. It had been one of the least bizarre Heinz had ever told.

“I don’t get it. Why would you dress a kid in their swimming trunks, take them to the pool, and stand with the kid right outside the gate where the kid can see all the other children having fun in the pool, but never let the kid go in? Why did she do that? Who benefited from that? I didn’t. I don’t see how she did. Am I missing something obvious?” That story certainly sounded more impressive and horrible with the additional details. It was a very cruel way to taunt a child.

“She never did that to Roger. During my last summer as a lawn gnome, she took Roger to the pool at least once a week. I wasn’t there to see what was going on, but he always came home wet! And on the day when my parents took him to dive at the Wetness Maker and prove himself a man, he passed with flying colors. That night they were both so proud of him.”

“She always stood up for him and defended him. Always. Three summers after I lost Balloony a little carnival came to Gimmelshtump. I wanted to go and see if I could find another balloon to befriend, and Roger wanted to go because the prettiest girl in his class had invited him to come watch her dance in a side show. But our father strictly forbade it.”

“You see, Perry the Platypus, this carnival was run by a troupe of traveling tortilla enthusiasts. At the time, my father was in a feud with his father, Jose Doofenshmirtz. As an act of rebellion, my father was encouraging the locals who were brave enough to eat foreign food to use only hard taco shells. It’s a bit complicated, really. The feud was eventually resolved by my mother, who was given the gift of her Uncle’s famous Doofenshmirtz meatloaf recipe as a reward and… wait, let me back it up.”

“So that summer when the troupe came to Gimmelshtump, my father and grandfather were still feuding. And because the carnival was in honor of the merits of the tortilla, our father would not let us attend. But both Roger and I had personal reasons for going, so we sneaked out together and went to the carnival in the dark of night.”

“It was a bit of a misadventure, really. We had to avoid a group of marauding bandits, and I somehow ended up as a volunteer for a horrible magician and disappeared for like twenty minutes, and Roger had his first kiss (before I even had mine, I might add!) and, well, long back story short, I went home empty handed. Roger and I walked home together, and we were both terrified to discover that our father had noticed we were gone and was waiting up for us.”

“He was furious. He was yelling at us about how we had dishonored his house and besmirched his name, how word of our actions would get to our grandfather and humiliate him. Fortunately for Roger, our father was so loud he woke our mother. She immediately scolded my father for being hard on him, and ushered Roger out of the room and into his bed. And the next day, when I was outside in the hundred degree heat planting poison ivy around our fence to discourage trespassers, Roger sat in the kitchen and watched my mother bake doonkleberry pies.”

Something about that story was confusing for the monotreme. He used his hands to make a mock helmet like the one Mr. Doofenshmirtz wore and gave Heinz a curious look.

“What? You want to know why my father was yelling at Roger?”

Perry nodded.

“Because he had left the house when it had been forbidden…”

No, Perry had gotten that. But he knew Roger had always been given special treatment. He shook his head and gave another inquisitive look, with broader hand gestures this time.

“Ooooh, you think… I get it. Oh, no, my father hated Roger, too. He really didn’t like either of us. I mean, he liked Roger better than _me_ , because Roger brought less shame on the family and whatnot, but they were never close. You remember the song I wrote, “My Goody-Two-Shoes Brother, the favorite of my _Mother_. You see, my father didn’t like either of us. But he loved my mother, and my mother loved him almost as much as she loved Roger. So when my mother told my father to leave my younger brother alone, he did.”

“Roger could get away with murder. On those rare occasions when he was caught doing something wrong, our father would be so furious. But my mother loved Roger too much to ever let him be punished by our father. I always knew to be extra good in the days after Roger got himself into mischief because sometimes my father could carry around that pent up frustration for days.”

“I don’t know why I’m getting so worked up about it today. I mean, I haven’t been a child in almost thirty years. But seeing her earlier and thinking that she _finally meant me_ when, of course, _she didn’t_ brought back all of my resentment of the hugs and trophies and teddy bears. Of all the times when Roger’s punishment was a stern talking-to over a batch of cookies while my punishment involved sleeping on a potato sack in the cellar.”

Heinz had always looked at the world in a very peculiar way. He had devoted so much of his life to trying to get revenge on little things that triggered horrible memories, rather than focusing on the horrible memories themselves. When dealing with the pain of knowing that his mother had always acted as a shield for his brother while standing by and letting him suffer abuse, Heinz blamed Roger. It seemed to never occur to Heinz that he could use an -Inator to get revenge on his parents. The thought had never really occurred to him. Which was good for Perry, because finding the proper motivation to thwart a parental scheme would be difficult.

Of course, it made sense that Heinz would resent Roger. The circumstances of their childhood had left Roger with a smug feeling of self importance. From birth, Roger had been told both directly and indirectly that he had more inherent worth than his brother. That he was a beloved source of pride, more deserving of protection than his older brother. Roger had accepted this fact, and internalized it, and grew up knowing that he could have the stars. And while Roger didn’t hate Heinz, he couldn’t help but think of him as second-rate. A family embarrassment. Someone who was to be othered.

“It’s just… if I had found a way to get her attention, to earn her love, my life would have been so much better. But I was a dummkopf, and I never figured out how. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t- why are you shaking your head at me, Perry the Platypus?”

It was important that Perry make Heinz understand. Perry made a “V” gesture with his hands.

“What, Vanessa? What about her?”

Perry pointed at Heinz, pointed to his heart, and then made the “V” again. He cocked an eyebrow at the scientist.

“Of course I love Vanessa. What are you getting at?”

Perry made several broad gestures with his arms to indicate the palpitation of a heart.

“Did Vanessa eeaaarn my love?” Perry nodded. That was what he was trying to ask. They were on the same page now. “Well of course she did! I love her, don’t I?”

That was not the answer Perry had expected. He furrowed his brows. How?

“I guess I was a bit of a pushover. I had been really excited about becoming a dad from the moment I learned Charlene was pregnant. And when Vanessa was born, she was so tiny and healthy and perfect and _mine_. She might have been crying, and covered in goo, and a little bit pruny, but she was mine and she _needed_ me. No one had ever needed me like that before. In that moment I felt like my entire life was just a lead up to becoming her father, and that nothing was more important than her. It was a beautiful day, Perry the Platypus. I had a daughter and a wife; a real family that I loved and that loved me! I felt whole and complete. She earned my love the day she was born.”

Heinz was looking at the issue from a skewed vantage point. Perry wanted to find a way to tell the man that he had done nothing wrong. That children weren’t supposed to “earn” their parent’s love and protection. Or if they did, it should be in the manner Vanessa had earned his love: by virtue of being born and not really “earned” so much as “immediately, enthusiastically, and wholeheartedly given.” It seemed this message would be difficult to get across.

“The day she was born I made a solemn oath with myself that I would be a good father, and that I would protect her and make sure she didn’t have any traumatic back stories. And, well, you know me, Perry the Platypus. I can’t really do anything right. I mean, I did better than _my_ father, but that really isn’t saying much.”

Perry patted the back of Heinz’s hand.

“Perry… do you mind if I tell you another back story?”

The monotreme rolled his eyes slightly before nodding.

“This one is different, Perry the Platypus. This is why I don’t speak with my father. This is about Vanessa.”

There was a bizarre energy in the air as Perry and Heinz looked at each other intently. The fur on Perry’s back stood on end again, and it felt as though his senses had moved into overdrive. The feel of the fabric sheets against his webbed feet, the toxic ammonia smell of the hospital, the constant tingling in his bill caused by his electroreceptors reacting to the machinery monitoring Heinz’s vitals- his entire body was extra sensitive and on edge. 

Heinz was the man who was still desperate to have his mother’s love even after all the horrible things she had put him through. Whatever Heinz’s father had done after all the years of abuse to cause a complete communication melt down must be terrible. And if it involved Vanessa…   


“Uh, well, on the other hand… maaaybe I shouldn’t. Forget I brought it up. I don’t usually tell Vanessa back stories, and she insists she can’t remember it anyway, and…” The scientist stopped rambling when he saw how nervously intent his nemesis was. “You’re going to assume the worst if I don’t tell this story, aren’t you?”

Perry nodded.

“Alright, I guess I have to tell it now that I’ve brought it up. It happened twelve years ago, when Vanessa was four years old. At that time I mostly saw my father around holidays and reunions when there were larger crowds. Even as a grown man I was still afraid of him, and even though I was still trying to earn his approval I didn’t like my family spending large amounts of time around him. He was always distant yet courteous with Charlene and mostly indifferent of little Vanessa.”

“It was July. I had been looking forward to that day for several months. It was the first day of the first annual -Inator Floor Show over in the Ackerton Convention Center. It was like an antique car show, but for -Inators. I had gotten up early enough to be there by six, and I was planning on spending the whole day.” 

“It was probably around eight in the morning when I got a phone call from Charlene. A friend of hers had won an all day VIP luxury spa experience for two, and Charlene wanted to go. She’s always liked that sort of thing. She was calling to let me know that she was going to find a babysitter for Vanessa as quickly as she could, and then be at the spa all day. She was in a hurry because she had to be there by nine or forfeit her spot.”

“And I just told her to have fun. And didn’t give the issue any more thought.”

“Looking back, I always kick myself for not being more concerned. But she had lots of friends and I guess I just assumed she wouldn’t have trouble finding someone. Besides, we had talked about the possibility of using my parents as baby sitters. I think Charlene thought I had made most of my back stories up, but she still should have known better!”

“I had always told Charlene that, in an extreme emergency, we could consider having my mother come over to our house to watch Vanessa. In an emergency only, my mother only, our house only. But some combination of being in a hurry and thinking I had always exaggerated caused Charlene to ignore that.”

“Charlene couldn’t find anyone on short notice, so she called my parent’s house. My mother was out of town visiting a relative, so Charlene talked my father into agreeing to let Vanessa come over. She drove our little girl over to my father’s house and left her there alone.”

“Left her there alone with him, Perry that Platypus! That was something even _my_ mother rarely did to me! Unless I was on lawn gnome duty, mother would usually send me on errands or drag me along with her if only our father would be at the house. Errands were never pleasant, but at least I wasn’t home alone with him.”

“It was around noon when I spoke with Charlene again. I told her about the show, and she told me about the spa. We were both having great days. It was nice, because we had just recently made up after a huge fight over something stupid I had said. That was when it happened. I casually asked who she had gotten to look after Vanessa, and she oh-so-calmly replied, ‘Oh, I left her with your father at your parent’s house.’”

“I lost it, Perry the Platypus. I was so angry and scared that I didn’t even speak. I did not say one word. I just hung the phone up without even saying goodbye and left the convention center. I know what you’re thinking, ‘But Heinz, she was a lot closer. Why didn’t you just tell Charlene to go get her out of there?’ Well, I wasn’t thinking straight. I was very worried and eager to get to Vanessa. And I was angry with Charlene for putting Vanessa in a vulnerable position. It seemed easier to just go myself, since Charlene obviously didn’t understand how important it was to get Vanessa out of there.”

“I left the convention center and sped the entire way back to Danville. It took me forty minutes to get to my parent’s house. I ran up to their front porch and was about to press the doorbell when I heard it.”

“Those words. Those three horrible words that haunted my childhood. To this day I still wake up from nightmares where he yells those same three words over and over again. I was a grown man, standing on the porch listening to my father yell those three horrible words at my little baby girl.”

_“ Beweg dich nicht!”_

Heinz wrapped his arms around his knees again. He looked miserable.

“I was so angry, Perry the Platypus. And I was terrified. I didn’t bother knocking. I jerked the door open and ran through the house into the back yard as fast as I could. He was standing in front of an old aluminum shed he used to store garden tools. I startled him, I think. He wasn’t expecting me.”

“I couldn’t see Vanessa anywhere, so I marched over to the shed and opened it. And there she was, standing in a hot metal shed on a really hot July day. Her eyes were red and puffy and she looked so distressed. That was the worst moment of my life, Perry the Platypus. Seeing her there.”

“I picked her up and carried her away, out to the safety of our car. I didn’t look at him, I didn’t talk to him. I did nothing. I didn’t know what to do. I had wanted to kill him, and break him, and yell and scream, but I couldn’t think. I wanted to get Vanessa away from there. That seemed like the most important thing, to just get Vanessa as far away as possible as quickly as I could. And I was still so scared of him, and so scared for Vanessa, that I just left and never spoke to him again.”

“She wouldn’t say a word the entire drive home. She didn’t even cry. I couldn’t get anything out of her. Now Vanessa has always been a bit moody. Some days she can be really chatty, and other days she is nearly silent. It fluctuates. But she refused to speak at all and I was so worried.”

“When we got home I looked her over to see if she was hurt. I found a cut on her hand that needed to be taken care of, and bruises on her upper arms. I spent the rest of the day trying to get her to talk and trying to make her feel better. I tried to give her ice cream and plugged in her favorite movie, but she just wasn’t interested. She ended up going to bed really early that night. Her mother wasn’t even home yet.”

“It was when I was tucking her in that she spoke for the first time. I was trying to read to her even though she wasn’t really paying attention, and she interrupted. The only thing she said to me the entire day was, ‘Daddy, what does ‘Be wig ditch nick’ mean?’”

Heinz was crying again. Perry patted Heinz’s hand with his paw, and Heinz grasped it tightly.

“I didn’t even manage to tell her. I just cried and held her until she fell asleep.”

“And when Charlene came home, we had a huge fight. She was extremely sorry, and very worried when I told her what had happened, but I was mad and we ended up having to go outside so we could fight with each other without waking Vanessa. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so hard on her. We were on the same team and both of us were worried sick about our daughter.  But of all the fights we ever had, that is the only one where I can look back and know without a doubt that I was 100% in the right.”

Heinz paused to take a deep breath before continuing.

“It took a while for Charlene and I to determine what had made my father so angry, and what he had done. Vanessa didn’t open up and tell us what had happened until three or four days later, so at first everything we knew came from what _my mother said_ my father said he’d done. Their stories matched up, though, which is good and bad. Good, because it means we probably got the whole truth, and bad because it means my father genuinely doesn’t think he did anything wrong and had no shame in telling my mother what he had done.”

“He left her alone at first, with her little crayons and notebook at the coffee table. But after a while she had gotten thirsty and asked for something to drink. He pointed her in the direction of the kitchen and ignored her. There was nothing in their refrigerator but a heavy glass jug of goat milk, and Vanessa dropped it.”

“There was glass and milk everywhere, and my father threw a rag at her and started yelling at Vanessa to clean it up. And she tried. But she was four years old, and she had never done anything like that before. She cut herself on a piece of glass. That really set my father off. Now there was glass and milk _and blood_ on the floor.”

“At the time, Vanessa knew very little German. She knew a few basic words, and I had taught her a few nursery rhymes and lullabies that I had heard my mother sing to Roger, but that was it. And my father was limited in his English. He could speak a bit, but he much preferred to use German, especially when he was angry. So he was yelling at her in a language she couldn’t understand.”

“You know who’s amazing, Perry the Platypus? My baby girl, that’s who. You see, I was used to that kind of thing as a child. It happened all the time. But she had never experienced anything like that before. And I could understand my father while, as far as she could tell, he was screaming at her in extremely scary gibberish. And she had the guts to do something I had never dared to do.”

“Sitting in a puddle of milk on the floor with a cut on her hand and a big scary man in a horned helmet yelling and waving his arms at her, she fought back. She fought back, Perry the Platypus! She stood up and put her hands on her hips, looked him straight in the eye, and yelled, ‘Stop bossing me around! I can’t understand you!’ And she threw the rag down at his feet.”

It didn’t take much imagination to envision a young Vanessa standing up for herself. She had always been a strong and forceful young lady. Only yesterday she had stood on an end table, berating the nurses and telling them, “I’m no doormat. I don’t let people tell me what to do. I’m Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, and you can’t walk all over me!” Those words held extra meaning now.

“My father didn’t know how to respond. He couldn’t fully understand her, but he knew insubordination when he saw it. He was used to having two sons who did anything he told them. He was used to me quivering in fear. And here was this tiny little girl, deliberately challenging his authority. No, she couldn’t understand what he was saying, but she had made it obvious that she would have been rebellious even if she did know what he was telling her to do. And this completely threw him off. His usual punishments involved cruel or unusual chores. But Vanessa couldn’t understand him, and would have refused to do them anyway.”

“Even though I’m extremely proud of her, a part of me wishes she hadn’t been so brave. It only made him angrier.”

“He was yelling even louder and, banking on my personal experience, probably trying to intimidate her by being so tall and using his height to crowd her space. That trick had always worked on me. You see, Perry the Platypus, throughout my childhood my father rarely hit me. Back in Gimmelshtump in the 1960’s, lots of fathers hit their kids. It was like spanking here in the US; some parents do, others don’t, personal choice (Charlene and I didn’t, by the way). But he didn’t really need to beat on me that often. He could yell, and tell me that I was worthless, and I would do anything he said. Sometimes he would _threaten_ to beat me, but that was more for added emphasis if I’d been reeaally bad.”

“So my father was yelling at her, and towering over her, and waving his fists in the air. And you know what she did? She turned around and _started to walk away_. Like he wasn’t worthy of her concern. My Vanessa was no schnitzel.”

“That… that really set him off, Perry the Platypus. He’d never seen a kid ignore him before, or be so blatantly ‘disrespectful’.”

Heinz took a deep breath and gripped Perry’s paw even tighter. Perry gave the man’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Oh, it makes me so angry! I want to jump out of this bed and go to his house and… I don’t even know what I want to do, but I want it to be painful!”

“Before she could get very far, he reached out and grabbed her. He grabbed her arms and jerked her around to face him. And he shook her while he yelled. She squirmed, but he was a lot stronger than she was. She was obstinate, and she started fighting harder, kicking her feet and twisting around to get away. It was here that he started yelling ‘Beweg dich nicht!’ over and over again.”

“Eventually she managed to kick his shin. He decided to take her outside where it was hot. I don’t know what kind of chore he thought he could make her do, but Vanessa would not cooperate. He dragged her outside, and she kicked and squirmed the whole way. Once outside she started yelling for a neighbor. Even my father was smart enough to realize that people in the Tri-State Area are a lot less tolerant of that kind of thing than the people in Gimmelshtump, so he tried to keep her quiet and covered her mouth with his hand.”

“She bit him.”

“She actually bit him, so he opened the shed and threw her inside. It was very hot in there, Perry the Platypus. She cried and screamed and kicked at the door until she became dehydrated and worn out. And he kept yelling _‘_ Beweg dich nicht!’ over and over at her, even after she was quiet.”

“That was when I arrived.”

“I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t saved her, Perry the Platypus. If I hadn’t shown up then. If she had stayed until eight or nine like planned. Would he have… left her in the shed? Or taken her out? And then what? I just… I don’t want to think about it.”

Perry and Heinz sat in silence for a moment. That had been a horrible story. Most of the anecdotes from Heinz’s childhood came with some ridiculous twist or detail that made the story easier to digest. This one had been horrifying. Also, Heinz was something of a peer. But Vanessa… she was still a child. She was Heinz’s child, and Perry cared for her in a manner similar to that of his own children. She was special and important to the monotreme, and Perry hoped that she really couldn’t remember much of that day.

Perry had never met Heinz’s father, and probably never would, but he despised that man more than any other person he had ever known.

Heinz had spent most of his life trying to earn the respect and approval of that man, to get that man to acknowledge that Heinz was his son. After years of abuse and neglect he had still wanted to make the man proud. Heinz had always been that way, so desperate for any shred of attention that he would withstand any amount of abuse in the hope of being recognized and appreciated. Only when his father had hurt his child had Heinz finally shut the man completely out of his life.

“None of my Americanized relatives can stand my father. Everyone over here took Vanessa’s side. He is no longer welcome at family gatherings. Now, he’s still welcome in Gimmelshtump. He isn’t that popular there either, but he has a few close friends. He and my mother travel there from time to time to see relatives. But the only person on this side of the pond who can stand him is my mother. She loves him. I think, short of hurting Roger, there is nothing he could do that would change that.”

“I’m glad that people care about Vanessa, and that they took her side and shunned him. But a little part of me can’t help but wonder where those people were forty years ago. Well, here in America, I guess.”

“You know, my father didn’t want to immigrate. My mother talked him into it. Said it would open up a lot of opportunities for Roger. ‘He can do anything in America!’ became something of a catch phrase; it was reeaally annoying.”

“I was in my late teens when we sailed over. Have I ever told you about that, Perry the Platypus? No? I’ll give you the abridged version. I might decide to exact my revenge on barges one day, and then I’ll go into greater detail.”

“My family was sailing to America when disaster struck. Our little boat hit an old abandoned barge and started to sink. My family got a lifeboat all to themselves. There was room for my father, and my mother and Roger, and an elderly Only Son. But there wasn’t much space left over, so my parents had to make a choice between the luggage and me.”

“They chose the luggage. Obviously. Everything they owned was in those suitcases. So I had to sit on a floating door that they tied to the end of their boat. And every time I fidgeted, we almost toppled into the sea.”

_“Beweg dich nicht!”_

“For as long as I live, I don’t think I’ll ever escape those words, Perry the Platypus. I hate those words. I hate barges, and I hate seagulls, and I hate lawn gnomes, and pretzels, and swimming pools, and sand, and I HATE HIM!”

“I HATE his stupid helmet, and his spear, and his love for Only Son. I hate Poke the Goozim with a Stick! I hate his ‘ _Beweg dich nicht!’ I hate him.”  
_

“And I don’t mean that in the same way I sometimes say I hate you, Perry the Platypus. When I say I hate you I mean… well, I’m not exactly sure what I mean. But I don’t mean _that_.”

“I HATE him, Perry the Platypus. I hate him so much! I hate that I’m still terrified of him. I hate that I let him hurt my baby girl. I HATE HIM. There is only one thing I hate more than him. One thing that will eat me up on the inside every day for the rest of my life. You know what I hate most, Perry the Platypus?”

Perry shook his head.

 _“That no matter how strongly I feel, I will_ never _hate him as much as he always hated me.”_

Perry let go of Heinz’s hand and stood. Before a startled Heinz could respond, Perry jumped onto the man’s lap, wrapped his arms around Heinz’s torso as best he could, and hugged his nemesis.


	12. Making Connections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heinz Doofenshmirtz is still emotional after sharing stories of his father with Perry the Platypus. As Perry tries to comfort Heinz, he redoubles his efforts to make sure the needs of the Doofenshmirtz family are met.

Though he seemed surprised by the gesture, Heinz didn’t hesitate to return the hug nearly as much as Perry had earlier. Almost immediately he lifted Perry up and pressed him against his chest, holding his nemesis and petting the teal fur on his back while smiling softly and trying his hardest not to cry at the same time.

During the three years they had been nemeses, Perry had very rarely allowed himself to be held. It was unprofessional. It was uncomfortable. It was a reminder that the scientist was a lot bigger than he was. The few times he had been held were typically when he was in disguise or in a trap.

Sometimes Heinz’s planning skills would dictate that a trap needed to be picked up and moved after Perry was already caught, or Heinz would need to haul Perry around the city. And once in a while things would get out of hand while Perry was incognito. The most egregious example was the dog costume, when Heinz had cuddled him and tickled his stomach while calling him things like “precious” and “adorable” and rubbing his nose against Perry’s beak. But Heinz hadn’t known who he was. Probably. So Perry didn’t let it count. 

Sure, Perry had shown the man affection before. He had patted the man on the back a few times, and held his hand on occasion. When Heinz wasn’t being evil (or when Heinz decided to take a brief break while being evil) Perry rather enjoyed sharing tea, eating brunch, or watching soaps with the man.

Right now, in this moment when they were both united by their disgust of Heinz’s father and fear of how terrible it would be if something happened to the children in their lives, when Heinz had so recently almost died, Perry didn’t mind showing the man extra affection. They could be friendly today, engage in a fierce battle over the Tri-State Area next month, and let life continue. He and Heinz could hug, and Heinz could pet him, and Perry could help make sure Heinz did everything he needed to do, and everything would be okay. Heinz would get better, and everything would go back to normal.

Hopefully.

“Oh! Oh, oh… I’m so sorry. Am I?… Should I just?… I’ll just go…” Hikari the nurse left as quickly as she had came, leaving an embarrassed Perry and a confused Heinz in her wake.

“What was _that_ about?”

“Krkrkrkrkr!” Perry pulled away with a bit more force than necessary, but took a seat closer than Heinz probably would have expected.

“Sheesh, we barely see any of the medical staff, and then they waltz out without even so much as a hello!”

Perry glanced over at the door, wondering how long it would take for the poor woman to return. It would be nice to get some updated news on Heinz’s condition.

“Perry the Platypus, does it seem like Vanessa has been gone a long time?”

Perry looked around the room before nodding. Yes, yes it did. Her laptop bag was conspicuously missing. Perry wondered how he hadn’t noticed her grab it when she left.

“I’m beginning to worry about her. I hope she’s okay. Perry the Platypus, could you be a dear and go find her for me?”

Perry rolled his eyes before pointing to the medical instruments.

“Don’t worry. If the nurse comes back, I’ll make her wait for you before she tells me anything. Please, just do me a solid and check up on my baby girl, okay?”

Perry nodded again, hopped off the bed and headed for the door.

“Don’t worry! I won’t go anywhere!”

Perry ignored Heinz’s quip and went out into the hallway. Vanessa was nowhere to be seen. He checked up and down the hallways, in a nearby visitors room, and even chattered loudly in front of the closest ladies’ restroom.

There were only so many places she could be.

 Perry wandered the halls until he found the cafeteria. There she was, sitting in a corner with her back to the monotreme and her laptop open, sipping coffee from a Styrofoam cup. She seemed to be talking with someone. The teen didn’t notice Perry’s approach.

“Yeah, the exam was a piece of cake. I don’t feel like I’m getting much out of these 100 Level courses. I can’t wait till next semester, when the classes get more challenging.”

 “I can see that. I expect I’d be bored to tears in an Evil 101 class, after everything Dad’s taught me. Then again, he might have missed a few key points…”

Ah, so Vanessa was having a secret rendezvous with Monty Monogram.

Perry had always felt that Vanessa was underestimating her father by keeping Monty a secret. While Heinz’s reaction to the news that his baby girl had serious feelings for the son of Major Monogram would fluctuate depending on his mood when he found out, Perry believed that Heinz would take it better than Vanessa expected. If anyone knew that friendship could grow on any end of the moral spectrum and that comfort could be found in the oddest of places, it was Heinz.

If Heinz was in a good mood when the discovery was made, he wouldn’t be that mad at all at the idea of Vanessa dating Monty. Sure, he would be cautious and want to ensure that Monty would never hurt his daughter. But he wouldn’t hate the boy on sight. And yes, he might do something embarrassing, but it was more likely to be inadvertent than spiteful. The situation would not have been perfect, but the already unconventional family could have made it work. If Monty made Vanessa happy, Heinz would probably get behind the relationship after his doubts had been assuaged.

That is, if he had been told more promptly.

No, what would anger Heinz was that Monty had inspired Vanessa to be sneaky. That she had felt the need to hide something so huge from him. Heinz wouldn’t dislike Monty for being Francis Monogram’s son; he would dislike Monty for being a catalyst of distrust and dishonesty. Heinz would hate that his daughter would hide such intense feelings, that she would go about at night when her mother was away without telling a parent where she could be found, that she could be insecure about his unconditional love for her. Monty understood about eccentric fathers, Heinz wouldn’t buy that excuse. In trying to protect her relationship with Monty from her father, Vanessa had made it so much more unlikely that Heinz would ever accept him.

Of course, Major Monogram was another story. He would hate the idea of his son dating the daughter of an evil scientist. The Major liked Vanessa well enough, but he would always think his son was too good for her, and he would never see her as anything other than “a little bit evil.” If the Major’s reaction to Carl and Vanessa’s conversation the day before had been any indication, the Major would never approve of the romance no matter how the love-stricken teens handled their affairs.

 “So, how is your dad doing?”

 “At the moment? Not so good. Perry’s helping him. He’s really upset about, well, I don’t really want to talk about it. So, what kind of things _do_ you do in an ‘Ethics of the Secret Identity’ class?”

“Haha, that information is classified. I wouldn’t want it falling into the wrong hands, should you choose to follow the paths of darkness.” Monty teased.

Vanessa smirked. “Classified, huh? I have ways of making you talk.”

Oh no. Perry had walked in on awkward teenage metaphor flirting. He wondered if he should leave or interrupt.

“I must warn you, I’m highly trained. I’m a master at resisting feminine wiles.”

“I don’t need ‘feminine wiles’ to get what I want. But I imagine if I did use them, you would gladly give me everything I desire. You’re always such an animal, Monty Monogram.”

Monty frowned. “That wasn’t funny, Vanessa.”

“…Yes it was. Get it? Animals? It works on so many levels!”

Well, if they were going to bicker, “interrupt” seemed the better option.

“It’s one thing to joke around like we’re ‘ _going to’_. It’s completely different to joke around like we ‘ _already have’_ when we ‘ _haven’t_ ’.”

“You’re so uptight, Monty. It’s not like my Dad’s going to walk up behind me.”

“… Not quite.”

“What do you mean?”

“Look behind you, Vanessa.”

The teen turned in her seat, nearly spilling her coffee. She blushed.

“P-Perry! What… I wasn’t expecting you…ummm.”

Perry smiled to calm her down. He hadn’t meant to startle her, and she shouldn’t be too embarrassed. Perry had overheard Candace have much sillier conversations with Jeremy.

“Hey Vanessa, I’m going to go.”

“Alright, Monty. Bye.” She closed the browser, then faced the monotreme again. “So, Perry. Is… um… is Dad better?”

Perry nodded.

“Good. I sent Uncle Roger a text telling him that Dad was doing fine, and that maybe he shouldn’t come. What do you think?”

Perry agreed with her judgement.

“I mean, I like Uncle Roger. He was always my favorite relative. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I like Mom and Dad a lot more, but they aren’t _relatives_. They’re family. But I think it would be best if Uncle Roger didn’t come. I can just see the papers turning this into some sort of sob story to gain him more sympathy and ruining Dad’s day. ‘Mayor Visits Sick Relative in the Hospital’ or something stupid like that.”

The girl didn’t seem in a hurry to return to her father, so Perry took a seat beside her. He had heard a lot about the Doofenshmirtz family from Heinz, and hearing things from a different point of view was fascinating. Besides, Perry and Vanessa had grown closer in the months since the “school night” Heinz had tried so hard to make perfect, and Perry knew that Vanessa tended to bottle her feelings inside. If she didn’t eventually find someone she trusted to listen to her issues, she would blow up- usually at her mother or father. It was entirely possible that the extremely stressful events of the last few days had exacerbated her issues.

“Dad hates him, though. Or at least he thinks he does. Maybe I wouldn’t like him as much if I came from a more normal family.”

Perry looked at her inquisitively.

“Sometimes I feel as though I like Uncle Roger for kiddie reasons. Because he always gave me a hundred bucks and a gift I liked at Christmas, and a fifty with a gift every birthday. Always an entire bag of King Size candy bars at Halloween. And sometimes when Mom needed a babysitter after the divorce she would get him, and he always let me stay up really late and watch movies that Mom and Dad wouldn’t let me see. It made him seem really cool, at the time.”

Perry could imagine just how angry that must have made Heinz. Even if his brother had the best of intentions, Heinz would think Roger had “bribed” his daughter to gain extra affection. Of course, bribery was a much better option than the assault that had happened at his father’s house, but Charlene resorting to Roger would have made Heinz miserable.

“He’s my only uncle, you know. Mom is an only child, and her parents died before I was born. She only has distant cousins, and they live out west. The only relatives I’ve ever really gotten to know are the Doofenshmirtzes. Meaning Uncle Roger and my Oma, mainly. I… I’m assuming… did Dad tell you about… you know?”

Perry frowned and nodded his head solemnly.

“I thought me might, after what Oma said.”

Perry tilted his head. Had she overheard?

“Mom didn’t pick up her cell. I was going to go back in the room until I heard Dad and Oma talking about me. You can’t walk in a room when your Oma is talking about you. Anyone else sure, but not my Oma.”

“I would have gone in after she left, but Dad was crying and… I’m not very good at handling emotional stuff. I never know what to say, and I figured he needed you more than me, so I came here.”

Perry gave the girl a slight side-eye. Her father always needed her. She was far more important to the scientist than Perry, and the monotreme would never pretend otherwise.

“She would’ve been even worse if no one had told her, you know. And I only called her that night because I was all alone here. Alone with Norm and thinking Dad might be… dead or something. And the OWCA kept giving me the run around, and I didn’t think I would be able to contact you.”

“You know, I think she was upset today, too. She doesn’t understand why my Dad won’t talk to _him_ , and why he never let _him_ see me again. We spoke on her way out. She was muttering about Dad being stubborn and stupid until she noticed I was there, and she asked, ‘Schatz, do you have anything _you_ would like to say to your Opa?’”

Perry and Vanessa sat in silence for a moment. The teen looked miserable. Perry patted her knee.

“You’re not going to try to get me to talk about it, are you? Because I don’t remember anything. Dad told you that, right?”

The monotreme nodded, though he didn’t quite believe her.

“You can’t imagine how many people used to try to get me to talk about it. My parents. The ladies at the preschool. Relatives at reunions. ‘Tell us about what your grandfather did, Vanessa.’ And some people would almost look disappointed that the story wasn’t more _exciting_.”

“‘You should talk about it, Vanessa.’ And I kept telling them I couldn’t remember- because I can’t, so don’t bother asking!- and they’d go on and on. ‘Oh poor Vanessa, pretty little Vanessa. Heinz’s daughter the beautiful little china doll.’ I can’t stand it.”

They sat together in silence for a moment before Vanessa roughly shoved her lap top back in the bag and stood. She turned to look at the startled monotreme.

“I’m not a china doll, Perry the Platypus.”

Perry shook his head and made a face of sympathetic disgust. Of course she wasn’t; what was wrong with people? Vanessa smiled slightly before turning on her heels and leaving. Perry followed her.

“I guess we should check up with Dad before he gets too lonely. He needs supervision sometimes.”

Perry would have modified that statement to “most times,” but he nodded in agreement as they rushed at a much greater speed than necessary. Vanessa seemed rather flighty. After a brisk walk, they entered Heinz’s room much quicker than Perry would have expected.

“Vanessa!” Heinz sounded almost giddy as he smiled up at his daughter. Sharing the story must have really made him miss her. He held his arms open, and looked pleased when Vanessa practically ran over and returned the hug with enthusiasm.

“I love you, sweetie.”

“I know you do, Dad. And I love you, too.”

Vanessa perched herself on the edge of her father’s bed. Perry gathered up the objects littering the floor and made a neat pile at the foot of Heinz’s end table, keeping his to-do-list with him. He took a seat on Vanessa’s vacated cot to give them more space.

“So, what did your mother say, pumpkin?”

“She didn’t pick up. If you keep getting better, I imagine she’ll opt to stay on the cruise. I’ll try again in a bit. Unless you’d like to talk with her.”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to- hey!” Perry had thrown the crumpled list at Heinz and hit him on the nose. Heinz opened the paper. “Not this again, Perry the Nagapus! Wait, I think I’ve already used that one. Perry the Party-Pooper. There, that works.” Perry rolled his eyes.

“What is it, Dad?”

“Perry the Platypus want me to talk to your mother about when you should return to school. Well, Perry wants me to do a lot of things, but-“

“Go back to school? I’m not going to concentrate at school with you here.”

“I know sweetie. But you are getting really far behind. And your mother wouldn’t want you missing too much on my account.”

“She’d understand that you’re sick! C’mon, Dad. I’ll go back to school when it feels right.”

Now that the school issue had switched from being an entry on a list made by his nemesis to an actual conversation with his daughter, “responsible parent mode” seemed to have kicked in for Heinz. He looked skeptical.

“You’ve already missed two days. If you get too far behind it will be really hard to catch up.”

“I won’t be completely behind. Candace Flynn brought over my math homework last night.”

“Say, that gives me an idea for a compromise. You want to stay home from school as long as possible, right?”

“Yes!”

“Then here’s our deal. You text Lacy or Penny, or I guess any of your friends, and get someone to agree to bring you all of your homework and notes. If you do all of your homework and study to the best of your ability, then I’ll let you stay home for one day more than what your mother says.”

“An extra day?”

“An extra day. But only if you keep your end of the bargain and stay on top of things.”

“I will! Thanks, Dad!” Vanessa gave him another big hug before reaching for the land line on Heinz’s end table. “I’ll get her on the phone for you right now so we can work out the details!” Vanessa had dialed the number before Heinz had a chance to respond, and handed the phone to her father.

“Hellooo? Charlene?”

“-Yes, Vanessa called earlier. I can tell her you’re sorry you missed her.”

“-I’m sure you’re busy on your…” Heinz paused to cough. “Honeymoon.”

“-I’m good.”

“-I guess that did sound stupid, but I’m really okay. I have company, so I’m not dwelling on it.”

“-I can’t forget, Charlene, if you don’t stop remiiiinding me!”

“-Yes, yes I called for a reason. I want your input on when Vanessa should go back to school. If all goes well, I’ll be released on Thursday.”

“-Alright, I’ll let her know.”

“-Yes, she’s fine.”

“-I will. Have fun on your… Honeymoon. And don’t worry about rushing back. I’m going to be fine, Vanessa is fine. I know my health has messed things up, but I’m looking forward to having Vanessa for three full weeks.”

“-Goodbye, Charlene.” Before Heinz had the chance to hang up the phone, an excited Vanessa bombarded him with questions.

“What did she say? When does she want me to go back? It’s not tomorrow, is it?”

“No, no. She wants you to go back on Friday, or the first day after I go home if a complication arises.”

“So I’ll go back…”

“If you keep your end of the bargain, you can stay at home for a full school day after I’m released. At the earliest, next week Monday.”

“Thanks, Dad!” Vanessa hugged him a third time before rushing to the corner and grabbing the worksheets she had been given the previous day. Eager to prove to her father that she was more than willing to keep up her end of the bargain, she got to working on the problems right away. Heinz smiled at her before returning his attention to Perry’s list.

“Alright, lets take a look at this. I don’t need to worry about paying my bills. Those go to my account automatically, and I’ve been thrifty lately, so I know the funds are there. We’ve just taken care of the school issue. My regular doctor and I are… on the outs at the moment. It’s a complicated issue, there is a whole scheme in the works where I’ll explain everything. Needless to say, I’ll soon be finding a new physician. We need Hikari the Nurse for a few of these.” Heinz crossed the completed and irrelevant items off the list.

“Hmmm. If we’re going to do this, I guess we could go ahead and contact Norm. I’ll get him to cancel the LOVEMUFFIN meeting for me.”

As Heinz dialed the phone, Perry mentally prepared for what he knew would be a difficult conversation.

“HELLO. THIS IS THE DOOFENSHMIRTZ RESIDENCE.” Heinz pulled the receiver away from his ear and held it an arm’s length away. Norm was loud enough for everyone in the room to hear clearly.

“WOULD YOU LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE OF CONDOLENCE?”

“Norm! Could you quiet down? You’re destroying our ear drums!”

“YOU SOUND LIKE DR. D. PLEASE DON’T PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS.”

“I’m not playing with anything! I am me!”

“IS IT REALLY YOU, DAD?”

“Of course it’s me! Who else would be calling? What is going on over there?”

“I’VE BEEN RECEIVING PHONE CALLS FROM YOUR VARIOUS LOVEMUFFIN COLLEAGUES ALL DAY. THEY HAVE BEEN GIVING ME THEIR CONDOLENCES.”

“They’ve been… WHAT? What have you been telling people?!”

“EVERYONE THINKS YOU ARE DEAD, SIR. LOTS OF PEOPLE ARE ARRIVING FOR TONIGHT’S CANDLELIT VIGIL EARLY. THEY’VE BEEN GOING THROUGH YOUR THINGS.”

“It isn’t even 1 O’clock in the afternoon! Wait, how many people are there?”

“FORTY TWO AND A HALF, SIR.”

“And a half?”

“DR. BLOODPUDDING’S WIFE IS PREGNANT.”

Vanessa took this moment to interrupt. “Norm? You’ve been alone thinking that Dad was gone all this time?”

“IS THAT YOU, SIS? I’VE BEEN WONDERING WHERE YOU WERE. ARE YOU COMING HOME SOON?”

“I’ll be home when Dad comes home. Thursday, probably.”

“ORVILLE VON RODDENSTEIN WAS ASKING ABOUT YOU. I THINK HE IS IN YOUR ROOM AT THE MOMENT.”

“What! Norm, don’t let people in my room! He’s creepy!”

“Wait, Rodney’s there?”

“HE’S IN YOUR STUDY, LOOKING OVER YOUR WILL.”

“WHAT? He has no right to look through my things! Besides, that will is outdated! I haven’t updated it since right after the divorce, before I went backpacking in Europe. It doesn’t even include Pe- it is missing a lot of important people.”

“I WAS WONDERING WHY I WASN’T MENTIONED.”

“Norm, would you put Rodney on?”

“SURE THING, DAD.”

This was even worse than Perry had imagined.

“Hellooo, Rodney?”

“-Of course I’m alive! What kind of a question is that?”

“-If I were dead I’d be the first to know, Rodney.”

“-Yes, it is an old will. But even if I wrote a new one you wouldn’t get anything! Not one -Inator, not one blueprint, not one throw pillow, not one spoon!”

“-I really like that ottoman.”

“Make sure Dr. Diminutive doesn’t cry all over any other pieces of furniture.”

“-You need to leave. I’m not dead, there will be no vigil, everything has been resolved. Get everyone out of there.”

“Oh, and will you get your idiot son out of my daughter’s room? There is no excuse for that. What kind of things are you teaching him?”

“Yeah, and she’ll give him another one next time she sees him if he doesn’t get out immediately.”

“You mean you would have me think that- you know what? I’m not going to argue this. Get him out of her room, get out of my house, don’t take anything, and take everyone else with you!”

“Yeah! And put Norm back on the line.”

Hikari the nurse entered the room as Norm returned to the phone.

“CAN I VISIT YOU IN THE HOSPITAL, DAD?”

“Norm, I need you to make sure that everyone leaves, and that no one takes anything of mine or Vanessa’s.”

“CAN I COME OVER AFTER THAT?”

Hikari interrupted. “What kind of robot is he? What can he do?”

Heinz looked at Perry before responding, “A little bit of everything. I still need to read the manual.”

“I don’t think it would be safe, Dr. Doofenshmirtz. An advanced robot like that might interfere with the machines monitoring your heart.”

“Norm? You can’t come over. You might hurt the machines. I need you to stay at home and keep an eye on things. Clean up, water the plants, keep the -Inators dusted. But don’t show any initiative. I’ll call at least once a day to check up on you. Can you do that for me, Norm?”

“YES SIR.”

“Oh, and Norm?”

“YES, SIR?”

“Were you really that worried about me? You missed me that much?”

“OF COURSE. WHO ELSE BUT MY FATHER WOULD WANT A ROBOT NAMED NORM DOOFENSHMIRTZ?”

Heinz was startled, and it seemed he was experiencing some bizarre combination of confusion, denial, and pleasure at Norm’s statement.

“…Take care of yourself, Junkpile.” There was an odd affection in the way Heinz said the last word.

“GET WELL SOON, DAD.”

That had gone much differently than Perry had expected. Though Norm had performed one of his greatest acts of stupidity, the intention behind the trouble seemed to have left an impression on Heinz. Heinz had not once called Norm ‘useless’ during the entire exchange. Perry wondered if their earlier conversation had influenced things, and how long the new found kindness would last.

The three main occupants of Room 118 sat in silence for a moment before Hikari the nurse interrupted.

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz, I was wondering; could we discuss when your surgery would take place?”

Every eye was now on Hikari. She continued. “Dr. Miller feels it would be best to place your stents early tomorrow morning. That way you should be healed enough by Thursday afternoon to be released and continue your recuperation at home. How does that sound?”

“Okaaay, I guess.”

“Do you have any other questions?”

Heinz and Hikari spent the next twenty minutes discussing that happened during this type of surgery and the complications that could arise. Perry took the opportunity to show Hikari the bottles of vitamins and medications he brought from the DEI Building, and he took notes on what medicines could be combined while Hikari explained the issue to Heinz.

“Yes, yes. I’m an evil scientist. I know about chemical reactions.”

Perry took intricate notes, anyway.

Hikari was about to leave to get their lunches when she turned to give Heinz one last warning.

“Dr. Doofenshmirtz, I want to remind you that you and your… platypus Perry aren’t allowed to ‘thwart’ each other for at least four weeks.”

“I don’t thwart him; he thwarts me! But thaanks for the advice, I guess.”

The rest of the afternoon passed quickly. The cafeteria food was supplemented by Linda’s cooking (her food was excellent) and the three had nice conversations. If not for the beeping of medical equipment, it would have been easy to forget why the three of them were spending such quality time together.

After lunch, Heinz helped Vanessa with her homework. The equations were confusing her, and she didn’t have her math book handy to double check her method. Perry promised to grab her school bag from the DEI Building before his next visit to the hospital.

“Oh, these are fun! I use these all the time when I’m building -Inators. I don’t know what your teachers are telling you, but multiplying polynomials is easy. See, you start over here-“

It was fun to watch Heinz gush about something he was good at doing. Perry usually only saw the finished product, and seeing Heinz use steps from his -Inator creation process to help Vanessa with her homework was something Perry had never expected he would experience. Beneath the often oblivious and goofy personality there was a genius. Perry couldn’t begin to understand the complex equations on Vanessa’s sheet that Heinz could solve with ease in his head after a quick glance. The girl kept having to remind him that she couldn’t do such complex math mentally, and that the teacher would insist on seeing the work.

Once her math was done, Heinz and Vanessa shared stories until it was time for Perry to leave. He was regaled with tales of concerts and ocelot caves, and even the story of the first time Vanessa did something evil (“She was two, and she shoplifted a candy bar her mother had said she couldn’t have. I was so proud!”) Both made him promise to return before Heinz was taken in for surgery at 8:15, and both gave him a quick hug.

“Thanks, Perry.”

“Thank you, Perry the Platypus.”

Perry tipped his hat before leaving the room and heading home, where he arrived just in time to hear Phineas open the door and exclaim, “Oh, there you are, Perry!”


	13. Killing Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the morning of Heinz’s surgery, Perry must hurry to the hospital or risk not seeing Heinz. As Perry and Vanessa wait for news of the scientist’s condition, they find several unique ways to kill time.

Perry awoke before the sounding of the alarm clock. There was a crispness in the air, and Perry snuggled closer to the green-headed boy who had wrapped his arm so tightly around Perry's body. The monotreme felt so warm and content that he wished he could lie in Ferb's bed forever.

Last night Candace had invited Stacy and Jenny over for a study session that had evolved into a pillow fight. Linda had intervened once she returned from her Bridge game and it was apparent that little studying was taking place, but it had still caused Perry a few headaches. Candace's favorite _Ducky Momo_ pillow had _somehow_ fallen through a lair entrance, and Perry had needed to fetch it and return the item without being noticed by the three teen girls tearing the room apart in an effort to find it. Their search had attracted Phineas and Ferb's attention, and to say they had gone overboard in their effort to help find the pillow was an understatement.

It really was sweet, how the two boys would invent things with the intention of helping their sister. Once done with their homework, they had rigged up a device to help people find the "things they most desired" and almost discovered Perry's lair when the device received an extra strong signal in response to Candace's desire to find the pillow coupled with Phineas' desire to find Perry. If Perry hadn't acted quickly, they would have discovered an entrance and his cover would have been blown. That, along with the emotional day he had experienced visiting his nemesis at the hospital and the fact that he hadn't taken a single nap, had left Perry exhausted.

Perry had finally managed to drift back to sleep when the alarm sounded. "Krkrkrkr!"

"Good morning, Perry!"

As the boys slipped into their morning routine, Perry forced himself to leave the comfort of Ferb's warm bed and slowly make his way to his lair. He needed to be at the hospital in time to see Heinz before his scheduled 8:15 operation, and he had to stop by the DEI Building first to check on Norm and grab Vanessa's schoolbag. He hated having to trick his boys with the platypus robot, but he needed to make sure they didn't worry about him while at school. After sending the robot upstairs, Perry made himself a cup of coffee (Perry would always remember the day Heinz had introduced him to caffeine fondly) and took a seat in front of his monitor.

Perry spent the next fifteen minutes sipping his coffee and looking at the pictures he'd taken with his children in the Alternate Dimension. Candace and Phineas still looked pretty much the same (perhaps the Flynn family were naturally slow developers?), but Ferb had grown at least three inches and gained some additional muscle mass during the last seven months. The growth spurt would have caused tension or jealousy in other sets of brothers, but not with Phineas and Ferb. Phineas thought Ferb's new height was "really neat" and Ferb wasn't the kind of person who would hold issues like this over his brother's head.

Once done with his coffee, Perry forced himself to close out of the digital photo album and climb into his vehicle. The Sun had yet to rise this early in the morning, and Perry was thankful when he reached a point where he could park his vehicle while singing the _Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!_ Jingle in his head.

Perry had a hunch Norm would be in the lab, so he entered the building on the top floor. He stopped in his tracks, beak agape as he took in the sight before him.

All signs of mourning were gone. Bright orange streamers and balloons covered the walls. Enlarged photographs, mainly featuring some combination of Heinz, Vanessa, and Norm (though Perry was included occasionally), were scattered on the walls with crudely drawn original artwork and cheesy photo manipulations. Various party games littered the lab. A "Pin the Hat on the Platypus" chart was hanging on the wall, and it looked as though the Giant Robot Man had even planned to bob for apples before remembering that he had no teeth and should avoid situations that could cause him to rust.

Norm was sitting at an oversize table in the middle of the room, holding a champagne glass full of what appeared to be motor oil and talking to a stiff, feminine figure made of Popsicle sticks and bits of spare machinery. The sticks had been painted to make her dress a light blue, and her hair was the same shade as Heinz's. Much like Norm, she looked like she would fit right into a 1950's sitcom or educational video.

"ONCE DR. D GIVES YOU A MIND OF YOUR OWN, WE'LL HAVE EVEN MORE FUN TOGETHER!"

"Krkrkrkrkr!"

"HELLO, PERRY THE PLATYPUS! I DIDN'T SEE YOU COME IN! WOULD YOU LIKE AN ACORN?"

Perry shook his head no and looked around the lab, hoping for an explanation.

"THIS IS DORIS! I WON'T ASK HER TO MARRY ME UNTIL DR. D FINISHES HER PROGRAMING! IT SURE WILL BE SWELL TO BE LOVED BY SOMEONE LIKE ME!"

Perry gave a curt nod of acknowledgement before pointing at the mess.

"I KNOW DAD IS BUSY, BUT I THINK HE'LL REALLY LIKE DOT ONCE HE GETS TO KNOW HER!"

Perry crossed his arms, but Norm continued to gush about Doris.

"RIGHT NOW DOT IS ONLY A SHELL. BUT ONCE SHE IS GIVEN A MIND AND A PERSONALITY I WILL NEVER BE ALONE AGAIN.”

“Krkrkrkr!”

“OH, THIS? WE WERE JUST CELEBRATING DR. DOOFENSHMIRTZ’S MIRACULOUS RECOVERY. I WAS HOPING TO KEEP THE PARTY ALIVE UNTIL HE CAME HOME.”

Perry took a deep breath before pointing at a picture that featured Heinz and several other LOVEMUFFIN scientists.

“THE MEETING HAS BEEN RELOCATED TO DR. DIMINUTIVE’S APARTMENT.”

Perry mimed using a vacuum cleaner.

“AFTER THE GUESTS LEFT I REORGANIZED. EVERYTHING IS IN TIP TOP SHAPE.” Perry frowned. “ALL EXCEPT SIS’S ROOM. SHE DOESN’T ALLOW ME IN THERE.”

Perry glanced around the lab. It was a nice sentiment, but an exhausted Heinz returning from a long hospital stay would not appreciate a Norm Party. The monotreme gave the robot a sad smile and glanced around the lab.

“CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS.” Norm stood abruptly and began tearing the orange streamers off the wall.

**  
**Now satisfied that Norm would clean up his mess before Heinz's return, Perry made his way down to Vanessa's room. Here he was greeted with an even worse surprise. The room was not at all in the same shape Perry had left it on his last supply stop.

Orville von Roddenstein had indeed been in Vanessa's room. He had opened the dressers and rummaged through her clothes, moved the dolls and collectables on her shelves, knocked the books off of her nightstand, and even opened her closet. It was impossible to tell what the Roddenstein boy had done, if anything had been stolen or damaged. What he had done with the items as he perused.

Perry hoped the Roddenstein boy knew how lucky he was to live in South Dakota. Heinz wouldn't even have an opportunity to build an -Inator; Vanessa would beat the boy to a pulp. And Perry wouldn't be that motivated to do anything to stop either of them. He had really crossed a line.

Perry scowled as he surveyed the damage. He decided it was best to leave the room as it was. Perry didn't know where things went, and Vanessa had the right to see precisely what had happened to her personal space. Perry found her schoolbag, put the books that were lying haphazardly on the floor back inside, and left. He would wait until after Heinz was recovering from the operation to say anything, as both Heinz and Vanessa had enough to worry about, but he would make sure Vanessa was prepared for what she would find when she came home.

Perry hoped that their luck would improve. He checked the time on his wristwatch communicator and quickened his pace. He needed to hurry or he would miss Heinz.

Perry darted through the halls as quickly as he could, making sure not to drag the heavy bag. He passed Norm, who was talking at Doris as he tore down a string of streamers, and gave the curtest nod of his head in farewell as he hoped into his vehicle. After a few false starts he took off for the hospital. 

After parking on the rooftop, Perry hurried to Room 118, careful to keep Vanessa's bag off the germ-ridden floor. He was panting as he approached, and he could hear voices coming from inside the room.

"Where is he? He said he'd be here before they came to get me."

"I'm sure nothing happened to him, Dad. He's probably on his way."

"But what if he isn't? What if he decided not to come? I mean, why should he?"

"Dad! You know the only thing that would keep him from coming is if the OWCA gave him an assignment."

"If Francis made Perry the Platypus go out and fight some _other_ villain today of all days, he will get a piece of my mind! I can tell you that much. Ugh, I'll bet he sent Perry after one of _those_ villains. You knooow, the ones with their stereotypical underground bases, and their cheesy spandex costumes, and their straightforward schemes with inescapable traps and machines without self-destruct buttons. Don't even know how to treat a nemesis right-"

"Krkrkrkr!"

Heinz's eyes lit up at the sound of Perry's chattering, but he quickly forced his features into a frown.

"Oh, look who finally decided to show up!"

Perry shrugged apologetically and handed the bag over to the teen girl, who thanked him as she set it on the other side of her bed.

Once unburdened, Perry crossed his arms and turned to face his nemesis. Heinz looked horrible. He was very pale, and the bags under his eyes were deeper than usual. Fear of surgery had probably made it impossible for Heinz to sleep. Though he was obviously trying to look cross, Heinz was wringing the sheets in his hands. Perry hopped up onto his bed.

"Sooooo, what took you so long?"

Perry stood as straight as he could and made an overly happy face as he gave Heinz a stiff wave.

"You were held up by Norm?" Perry relaxed and nodded. "I should have known I couldn't trust him to take care of things. Great, now I have _that_ to worry about. He hasn't gotten Dorothy out again, has he?"

"Doris, Dad."

"Right. He hasn't gotten her out again, has he?" Perry nodded before taking his seat.

"It figures. I really should get around to finishing her, but Norm doesn't understand how difficult the process is. I can install basic level artificial intelligence, but once she's activated she will learn and develop her own personality as she interacts with her environment; I will have no control over that, and neither will Norm. Not unless I scrap her AI completely and start over, like I did with Norm's old head. And I have to install a self destruct button in a place where neither of them will pick at it. And you know if things work out between the two of them, they'll start demanding little robot kids. I'm not really sure I'm ready to handle a robot couple, let alone an entire robot faaamily."

Heinz took a deep breath, and then glanced at the small clock hanging on the wall. He had seven minutes until Hikari came for him. He gulped.

"Hey, Dad?"

"Yes, pumpkin?"

"I was thinking last night about all of the things you do, the machines you build. How often do you go to Space?"

"Oh, not too often. Once every few months. Why?"

"I was wondering... next time you go to Space, could you take me with you?"

"You want me to take you to Outer Space?"

"Sure! You've never taken me, and I've heard lots of amazing things. We should go to Space together sometime."

"You want to help me with a scheme... in Outer Space?"

"...If that is what it takes to get a trip, then sure. Perry, you don't mind if I help Dad with a scheme in exchange for a trip to Outer Space, do you?"

Perry shook his head.

"Alright, it is settled. Dad, you're going to take me to Space as soon as you get better."

"Vanessa, I-"

"You are going to recover. You are going to get better, and you are going to devise a scheme that takes us into space. Promise me you'll take me into Outer Space, Dad!" Vanessa's voice was forceful and her gaze intense.

The father and daughter stared at each other for a moment, in their own world as they came to a silent understanding. It was Heinz who broke contact first with a gentle smile. He wiped a single tear from his eye.

"Yes, yes I promise."

Still in her pajamas, Vanessa climbed from her bed and walked over to the cot Heinz and Perry were currently sharing. She took a seat on the edge of the bed and leaned over to hug her father. Heinz smiled as he wrapped an arm around her and returned the hug. Before Perry could move to give them more privacy, Heinz reached out and grabbed a paw.

The three of them were now in the same position as the morning when Heinz had first woken up from the initial complications.

"Everything's going to be fine." Heinz and Vanessa said at the same time. They looked at each other in surprise.

"Jinx, Vanessa. You owe me a soda." Heinz teased.

"You get better, and I'll give you that soda in space." Vanessa smirked before hugging her father more tightly. "I love you, Dad."

Heinz grinned, that one-of-a-kind goofy grin Heinz made when he truly felt accepted and at peace. The grin of a lonely man who was positively giddy in his knowledge that someone he loved and cared for loved him, too. Heinz gently kissed Vanessa's forehead and brushed her uncombed hair away from her face before wrapping his arm around her again and hugging her as tightly as he could without hurting her.

"I love you too, Sweetie. So much. I don't think you'll ever understand just how much you mean to me."

Perry would have left to give them their privacy if Heinz hadn't been holding his paw as though his life depended on it. Perry didn't like the way they were talking. He liked that they were getting along, that they were being more open about their positive emotions. He wanted them to have a good relationship and he wished Heinz could see his daughter more often. What he didn't like was the finality. The way both sounded as though there was a possibility they would never see each other again.

This was supposed to be a simple, straightforward procedure. There weren't supposed to be any complications. Heinz would be gone for a few hours, and then be brought back so that his daughter and nemesis could watch him wake up. Heinz would recover and everything would be fine. But the two Doofenshmirtzes before him were complicating matters, being nervous and frightened. Their anxieties were rubbing off on the monotreme. Perry wished they would stop being so dramatic.

Then again, they were both savvy enough to know that things were rarely simple and straightforward in the life of Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Maybe they had a point. Luck had rarely smiled upon Heinz; Luck seemed to take a perverse pleasure in pretending the man didn't exist.

Perry took a moment to reflect on his own luck. How he had been adopted by an amazing family that he loved and adored. That he had been granted the ability to rise to the top of his class during training, and that he had earned the right to have a nemesis. That he had been given the best possible nemesis, even if it had taken a few years to come around to that line of thought.

Perhaps today it could be Perry's luck that dictated what happened to Heinz. Perry wanted more than anything for the surgery to be a success. For Heinz to make a full recovery and return to his scheming. For Heinz to be healthy and remain Perry's nemesis for as long as the monotreme was an active Agent. Perhaps, since Perry so desperately wanted things to be okay, luck would be on Heinz's side if only for a day.

"Good morning!" Hikari entered the room with an overly cheery greeting, accompanied by Dr. Miller and a few other nurses. Perry recognized one of them as the rude nurse Vanessa had yelled at on the first night. Everyone but chipper Hikari and clueless Dr. Miller looked rather nervous to be in their presence. Neither Heinz nor Vanessa responded.

"Don't be so nervous!" Hikari hissed at a trembling nurse to her left. "The Doofenshmirtz family won't bite!"

One nurse wheeled in a gurney while another examined the chart at the foot of Heinz's bed. The other nurses talked quietly among themselves and with the doctor while Hikari approached the three individuals occupying the bed.

"Are you ready, Doctor Doofenshmirtz?" Her patient opened his mouth, but no words came out. Hikari frowned. "Don't be nervous, Doctor Doofenshmirtz. There is nothing to worry about."

"You make sure they take care of him properly." Vanessa's voice was low.

"I will. Trust me."

Hikari smiled at Vanessa sadly before turning her attention to the conversation the other nurses were having near Dr. Miller.

Vanessa turned to her father. "I'll see you in a bit, Dad." She kissed him on the cheek before sliding off the bed.

Perry removed his paw from Heinz's hand, causing the scientist to look in his direction. Perry gave Heinz a stern look and pounded his fist against his chest before pointing at Heinz. The man smiled.

"Alright, Perry the Platypus."

Heinz seemed to have found his voice. Perry jumped down and stood by Vanessa as the nurses moved Heinz onto the gurney, watching as Heinz nervously blathered about the coldness of the sheets and the squeakiness of the right front wheel. As the nurses began to wheel him from the room, Heinz turned to face his daughter one last time.

"I'll be back soon, Vanessa. I promise."

Heinz was wheeled around a corner and was gone.

Perry and Vanessa stood in silence for a moment before looking at each other. Vanessa sighed and plopped down on her cot. "And it begins again."

The monotreme knew she was talking more to herself than to him, but he climbed up next to her anyway and patted her knee.

"Well, what should we do? I don't want to stare at the walls for the next three hours."

The monotreme shrugged and gestured toward the teen.

"I don't know. Dad thought it might be a good idea if I got my homework done. That way I wouldn't have to focus on it when he was better. Or worry about it if... you know. But I'm not sure, Perry. I'm not really in the right mood. Not that I've ever been eager to do my homework, but..."

Perry wanted to keep the teen's mind off of her father's surgery. If homework could serve as a distraction as well as a productive activity, then it was something they should at least give a try. Vanessa rolled her eyes and reached for the bag just as Perry was about to point at the object.

"Okay, okay. I'll try to focus. Geez, Perry."

The monotreme didn't know whether he wanted to smile or chatter angrily at her preemptive moodiness. He settled for moving to her side, reading the list of assignments her friend Lacy had made with a look of determined interest.

"I'm caught up with all the math; Dad and I worked on that together last night. I’ll save the German for later. And we've had a sub all week in Physics, so the class has been watching old edutainment videos from the 80's. I think Dad was actually a bit bummed to hear he wouldn’t have any science to work on. He’ll end up reading the textbook anyway, and pointing out all the places where he disagrees, or thinks the authors are oversimplifying things."

"It is a bit odd, isn't it? How he's so weird, and you think he's an idiot. But then he solves all of your math problems in his head like they're a piece of cake and takes issue with Einstein. It shouldn't surprise me. I grew up watching him build the most amazing things. But then he shows up for a Parent-Teacher Conference in a sequined tuxedo, and you forget how smart he really is because of how _stupid_ he can be."

The girl dug through her bag and pulled out an English textbook before continuing.

"Speaking of Dad, I think I know what I'm going to write for my English class. Mr. Heaton gave Lacy all the stuff I need through Monday. I have a few grammar worksheets and a spelling list here. We can get those out of the way first, if you want. But the big thing I need to work on is the rough draft of an essay. It's one of those really cheesy generic prompts you think are only given out in sitcoms. You know, one of those 'Describe a memorable moment you spent with an interesting or inspirational character over the summer' prompts that have to produce hundreds of really dull essays for the teacher to skim through."

"Mom is pretty normal, I guess, which is great for real life but boring for an essay. And writing about a boyfriend makes you sound pathetic and clingy. I seriously thought about writing it on this kid I know, but I guess in the end I'm really feeling an essay about Dad. I know, I know; it's extremely cliché to write about your father. But if Mr. Heaton is going to give us lame stereotypical prompts, he should expect lame stereotypical subject matter. And I think Dad is interesting enough to justify it, don't you, Perry?"

Perry nodded. As long as the girl didn't reveal any sensitive information, an essay on Heinz would be fine. The gesture would probably make Heinz's day.

The girl took out her grammar worksheets and began working her way through the problems, stopping occasionally to grumble about how irrelevant she considered everything. It seemed two of the worksheets were insultingly easy while the other two were infuriatingly difficult. Both issues irritated her, and Perry noticed that the girl kept looking at the clock.

"Ugh, I've ran out of lead!" Vanessa groaned, slamming the papers on the bed with much more force than was required before bending to grab a refill for her mechanical pencil. Perry took the opportunity to glance at what she was working on. The pages on capitalization and punctuation marks were complete, but the pages on subject-verb agreement and commonly misused words were both half-way done.

Perry could understand verbal English fluently. He could read at a higher grade level than any other Agent, excluding Morris the Monkey and Polly the Parrot. He had even learned how to write, a skill that was not required by the OWCA and that he took great pride in, though extended use of a pen or pencil irritated the joints in his paws. But he had only ever used the ability to sign his name, or to create brief lists or mission logs. Looking at Vanessa's worksheets he fully realized for the first time how much easier it was to read than write. To take in information as opposed to formulating thoughts and then working within the convoluted confines of the English language structure to express them without making yourself look foolish.

"Hey Perry, you there?" Vanessa interrupted his internal monologue. She was looking at him expectantly. It was then that Perry realized that his webbed foot was laying on the edge of her paper. He moved it and chattered in apology.

Vanessa continued her work, muttering about 'their, there, and they're' even as she looked at the clock every two or three minutes. It was ten till nine; Heinz had been gone for a half hour.

"There. It's done." Vanessa stuffed the sheets back in her binder before taking out the spelling list.

"Do you realize how many stupid spelling tests I've taken throughout my life, Perry the Platypus? One a week, every week, since first grade. I'm not sure how many that is, but I think that's a lot. Too many, if you ask me. Seniors don't have spelling lists. Just think, in a few more months I'll be completely done with that chapter of my life."

Perry reached out to take the list, but Vanessa clutched it tightly. "Let me look it over one more time!" He gave the teen a few more minutes to look the list over before reaching out again. She reluctantly gave it up.

Perry couldn't read the words on the list aloud, so Vanessa was forced to remember most of them, with Perry occasionally using hand gestures to help jog her memory.

"Irreplaceable was a word, right?"

After a nod yes, Vanessa spelled it correctly.

After her fourth misspelling of 'iridescent' Vanessa groaned loudly and fell back on her pillow, folding her arms in front of her chest.

"I can't do this. This is so stupid."

“Krkrkrkr.”

“Needing a spellchecker once in a while doesn’t make you an idiot. And how can I be expected to concentrate when they’re chopping up Dad?”

Perry winced a bit at her bluntness before setting the list on the side table. Vanessa deserved a break; it was something of a miracle she had focused for as long as she did. The teen was still wearing her pajamas and had yet to comb her hair. Considering Vanessa always dressed as though she could be going out at any moment, even in the early morning or late evening and especially if she had reason to believe Perry might bust in, Perry could tell the girl was troubled.

“How do you think he’s doing?”

Perry nodded to encourage her, but Vanessa didn’t look impressed. “Don’t pretend you aren’t nervous, too. I see you over there, watching the clock just as much as I am.” She patted an empty spot to her left, and Perry hesitated a moment before lying down beside her. She took up less space than Heinz, and there was enough room for them to both lie comfortably and still leave over a foot of space between them.

The Sun was rising, and the light filtering through the green and purple balloons near the window created odd shadows on the textured ceiling. The balloons swayed in the heat from the radiator, causing the shadows to dance. The dust particles caught in the rays glowed in the traditional Doofenshmirtz colors as they drifted in the air.

“I wasn’t up early enough to see this yesterday, but Dad went on and on about it.”

Perry and Vanessa watched the movement of the soft colors in silence until the Sun had risen above the tiny window pane. When things settled in the mid morning light, the girl and the monotreme both looked over at the clock now gleaming purple. Heinz had been gone an hour.

“Perry?”

“Krkrkrkrkr?”

“Has Dad ever told you about the time he taught me how to ride a bike?”

Vanessa looked over at the platypus, who shook his head no.

“It was fall, and the leaves were changing colors. Mom was out. She almost always went out for part of the day back then, and Dad and I would be home alone. We would play games, he would make us snacks and watch cartoons with me, and I would watch him build things. Sometimes I’d even get to help. He wasn’t evil then, but he liked to tell me stories about Evil Science College and things he would like to do if he returned to evil. His plans for when I became the, and I quote, ‘Future Empress of the _entire_ Tri-State Area!’”

Perry smiled as he imagined Heinz saying those words to a very young Vanessa.

“Anyway, on this particular day I had finally convinced him to teach me how to ride a bike. I’d been begging for months, but he had kept saying I was too young. He was being overprotective. I was four, and the kid next door was in Kindergarten and liked to brag about how he knew how to do things I didn’t. But I knew if _he_ could ride a bike, then _I_ could no problem.”

“I was excited, but Dad was really nervous. He was so scared that I was going to fall, or break a bone, or hit my head against a tree, or one of the other horror scenarios he had made up.”

“Well, you know Dad. He couldn’t just get me a bike. He had to build one from scratch, and put in lots of bonus safety features. It had working headlights, an obnoxious little horn, an airbag that came out of the wicker basket in front, a deployable parachute that could come out of the other wicker basket in the back, and a little tracking device in the right handle. It had hand brakes _and_ foot brakes, and 22 speeds, and… Perry, I can’t even remember what else. But Dad put a lot of work into that bike. It even had built in joints for extensions, so that Dad could make it bigger as I grew up.”

“I loved it. It was a bit bulky and hot pink, but I didn’t care. Those wheels were mine, and I was so proud.”

Vanessa paused to reminisce before continuing.

“I hadn’t known he was building a bike until that morning. He had worked on it at night when I was asleep, so it was a complete surprise. I was so happy, and seeing me happy made him happy: it was a spiral of joy.”

“I wanted to hit the pavement immediately, but Dad made me wait while he explained the physics of bicycle riding and the rules of the road. How I had to wear a helmet and pads and always tell him or Mom that I was riding around, and that I couldn’t leave the front yard without him. All basic stuff, but I was impatient and really, really eager to ride.”

“I’m sure it was only a few minutes, but it felt like _ages_ before he finally let me get on the bike. Now, this bike was built like a tank. The stupidest person alive couldn’t fall down just going around the driveway at a snail’s pace. But Dad insisted on taking things slow, and was holding on as I went in circles. I picked it up really fast. I was a natural, Perry the Platypus, but he was adamant about holding on to that bike and going really slow.”

“That was when the phone rang, and Dad told me to stay put while he went to answer it. It was Mom. I waited a while for him to come back, but by that point I was getting irritated that he was stifling my natural ability to ride a bike like a champion.” Vanessa paused to laugh.

“Dad was taking forever on the phone, and I wanted to show off and prove to him that I was the best cyclist in the Tri-State Area and that he could leave me alone. So I decided to ride down the hill to the cul-de-sac and back. It seemed like a good idea at the time. I was a bit stupid sometimes, back when I was a kid.”

“I took off, pedaling as fast as I could as the ground began to slope downward. I picked up speed quicker than I had anticipated, and I was a quarter of the way down the hill when I realized I didn’t actually know how to slow or stop a bike. I’m not sure if Dad hadn’t gotten to that yet or if I had forgotten, but I had no idea what to do and I was flying down that hill like a bullet.”

“So, I screamed. I wasn’t really that scared. It was like being on a roller coaster; screaming doesn’t mean you aren’t having fun. And it was fun! But the further I traveled, the more I realized how bad it would be if I got to the bottom and kept going at full speed. I would have run into a house for sure.”

“Well, Dad heard me and ran outside. You can imagine how much he freaked out, watching me fly down that hill, screaming at the top of my lungs. I could hear him screaming too, and calling my name. He was running after me and fumbling in his lab coat for the remote that could control my bike from a distance. Luckily he managed to activate the parachute, and by the time I hit the bottom of the hill I was going slow enough to stop the bike by putting my feet on the ground.”

“Once the danger had passed, I started laughing. It had been really fun. I think Dad thought I was crying right up until he was close to me though. He was still a nervous wreck. You know how parents are, when they are happy and relieved and furious at the same time. He didn’t yell or anything, but he cried and hugged me tight and was very stern in telling me to never, _ever_ scare him like that in the future.”

Vanessa laughed again. Despite the danger (or, perhaps, because of it) she obviously cherished this memory.

“We compromised after that. He agreed not to hold my bike and let me experiment while he supervised only, and I formally agreed to never leave the driveway without his permission.”

“I really was good at riding a bike, once I learned how to brake. The next week I got Dad’s permission to challenge Tony- that Kindergarten kid I was telling you about- to a race to the bottom of the hill and back, and I creamed him. Fair and square, mind you- not because Dad was the judge.”

Perry looked at the clock. It had taken Vanessa over a half hour to share that story. Perry decided to encourage her to tell another. Story telling was a great way to kill time and keep the young woman’s mind off the operation, and Perry had thoroughly enjoyed hearing an anecdote with a happy ending. He typically heard the sad stories, the tales that inspired –Inators or tears. He wished Heinz could find the time to share happy memories more often.

Perry shifted so that it was easier to look over at the girl, and Vanessa rightfully interpreted it as a cue to continue speaking.

“Hmmm… Has Dad told you about the first Christmas after the divorce?”

Perry shook his head no and perked up. He loved hearing about Christmas, and Heinz never told him anything specific. Every year he would whine about how Christmas was never great and never terrible, but leave out all the details. Perry eagerly settled himself on his side so he could watch Vanessa’s expressions as she told the story of what had probably been a “fine” Christmas.

“The divorce had been finalized that fall, so they were still working out the kinks in their custody agreement. Christmas fell on Mom’s weekend that year, with Christmas Eve on a Saturday and Christmas on Sunday. The agreement the court drew up said that year one, Dad got custody on Thanksgiving and New Year while Mom got the entire Christmas weekend.”

“Before the divorce, Dad was a stay-at-home parent. Well, he worked in his lab in the basement a lot; maybe he was a self-employed work-at-home parent. Either way, up until the divorce I saw him almost every day. By the time you came into the picture, Perry, I was already used to seeing him every other weekend. But that first Christmas I hadn’t gotten used to it yet, and neither had he.”

“It is hard to adjust when you go from seeing someone every day to seeing them once every couple weeks. And being told that someone who used to be a constant presence was going to be absent for Christmas was a big deal, even if I tried to pretend it wasn’t.”

“Every year, Mom would always drag me and Dad to this really swanky Christmas Eve party. The kind where the adults stand around and drink champagne while they brag about their year while the kids eat animal crackers in the basement and bicker about what they want to do while trying not to rip their fancy clothes. Every year Dad would try _so hard_ to fit in with Mom’s friends, but at some point he’d give up and join the kids in the basement. “

“So that Christmas Eve, Mom and I were going to the boring party alone. It was the first big social event Mom attended after the divorce, so she put a lot of effort in our presentation. She had the car washed and waxed, hair and nails done, new dresses for both of us- the works. And she spent the whole day reminding me to behave. It almost became a mantra: ‘Be nice, say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you,’ don’t get into any fights, and for the love of God, Vanessa Doofenshmirtz, _smile_.’”

“The party didn’t have a good start. There was the usual horribleness that comes with snob parties, and everyone Mom greeted had to bring up the divorce. Naturally. And she would assure them that she was doing just great; so much happier now. I could hear the other parents whispering to their kids, ‘Be extra nice to the little Doofenshmirtz girl.’”

“The only thing worse than spending an evening with snobby people is spending an evening with snobby people who pity you, Perry the Platypus.”

“We’d been at the party around an hour when we first heard it: a crash on the roof so loud all the kids could hear it from the basement. We ran upstairs to see what the commotion was and crowded around the chimney.”

“The minute I heard a voice scream ‘AaaaAaaahhhh!’ and the constant thump of someone’s head hitting the side of the chimney as they fell down face first, I knew who it was. And if that hadn’t been a dead give away, then seeing him would have been. He wasn’t wearing any padding and his fake beard was askew. His Santa suit had some definite elements from Gimmelshtump, and he was covered in soot and getting dirt everywhere.”

“There was complete silence, Perry. Everyone was stunned, mouths open and soot on their fancy suits and dresses as they watched my Dad straighten himself out and grumble about the ice on the roof. My Dad is a pretty memorable guy- no one in the place didn’t know it was Mom’s ex-husband breaking in through the chimney.”

“He got into character after noticing that everyone was staring. He was Ho Ho Ho-ing and pulling gifts out of his sack, wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. All the other kids got a page of stickers and a candy cane, while he handed me a giant stuffed bear. It was bigger than I was!”

“At that point I couldn’t keep quiet. I said, ‘Dad?’”

“He had the nerve to say, ‘Dad? Who’s this _Dad_ person you speak of? I’m Santa Claus!’"

“And I responded, ‘No you’re not.’”

“He hung his head and said, ‘No, no I’m not.’”

“It was then that Mom got involved. She grabbed his wrist and took him into a back hallway so they could talk in private, and I followed. I think all three of us were scared. As far as I knew, they hadn’t had a big fight since the divorce. I was expecting things to escalate.”  

“Mom started by telling Dad that if he wanted to come to the party so badly, he should have asked. She would have made sure he received an invitation. That aggravated him, and he told her he didn’t want to attend her ‘stupid party.’ He only came to see me.”

“She told him all the usual things custodial moms stereotypically tell dads who actually want to be more involved. ‘I’m sorry, Heinz. I know it seems unfair now, but next year you’ll have Christmas and _I’ll_ miss her. The court makes these decisions, not me, and they are in Vanessa’s best interest. I’m not being unfair, Heinz. I invite you to all her school events and concerts. You speak on the phone almost everyday.’ Things like that.”

“Dad could only respond by telling her he missed me over and over again. I think he was too emotional to make a different argument. He kept going on about how lonely the new purple building was, how he used to see me every day, and how things were unfair.”

“Mom then reminded him that she was already more generous than the letter of the law. That he saw me more frequently than just his weekends. ‘Heinz, I’ve told you before and I’ll tell you again. Whenever I can’t be there for her, you will be the first person I contact. My first choice: before her Uncle Roger, before anyone. If I need someone to pick her up or babysit, you’re the one I’ll call.’”

“That really set Dad off.”

Perry cocked an eyebrow. That certainly wasn’t an ideal situation. He genuinely felt sorry for all three of them, especially Heinz and Vanessa. But he hadn’t heard Charlene say anything malicious.

“He didn’t yell. He was too angry and disappointed. ‘Baaabysitting. _That’s_ what you think I’m doing when I’m with _my_ baby girl? Babysitting? I… I don’t _babysit_ Vanessa, Charlene! I’m her father! When you have a class or go to the salon while she’s not in school, I _spend time_ with her! I’m still raising her! Fathers don’t babysit their daughters, Charlene!’”

“Mom apologized and said she was sorry. That it had came out wrong and she hadn’t meant it that way. That she wanted him to spend time with me, she really did, and he was overreacting. Dad was really hung up on that, though. They argued about the implications of what Mom had said for the next few minutes.”

“After a few moments they calmed down. That, Perry, is something they never would have done so easily before the divorce. Mom asked Dad if his head was okay, and he asked her if the party was going well. She told him that she wouldn’t mind him staying, and she meant it, but that the hosts probably didn’t appreciate him trashing their living room. She told him it was best if he left, and that he could visit me on Boxing Day.”

“That was when I stepped out from behind the corner. They both looked really concerned that I had heard the whole fight. I… well, you might find this hard to believe, but I asked Mom if it would be okay if I left the party and went with Dad.”

“I’m not sure who was more shocked by my question. After a minute Mom knelt down and said, ‘Of course you can, sweetie.’ She and Dad quickly made arrangements. She expected to get home around Midnight, and she wanted Dad to have me there at that time. He agreed, so long as he could see me on Boxing Day.”

“I left with Dad. It was warm for December, so we went to the park. We drank hot chocolate and ate the extra candy canes while looking at all the lights. We didn’t go to his building, but we could see it from the park He used a remote to turn all the Christmas Lights in DEI on so that I could see. I sat on his lap while he explained what Santa was like in Gimmelshtump and why his costume was so funny. It was nice, but I was tired from being angry all day. Being angry is exhausting.”

“Unfortunately, I didn’t make it to Midnight. I don’t remember when I fell asleep, but it probably happened in the park. Dad must have carried me home, because I woke up Christmas morning on the living room couch by the tree at Mom’s with no recollection of how I got there, and feeling guilty about not telling Dad goodbye.”

“That was the last Christmas where I spent time with both of them. Dad has custody in odd numbered years and Mom doesn’t request extra time, and Mom started her Hawaiian Christmas tradition the next year she had me. I had half expected him to show up that first Christmas in Hawaii when I was eight, but Dad ended up spending the holiday with his girlfriend. Can’t remember her name; the whale lady.”

When Vanessa had been silent for several minutes, Perry looked at the clock. Vanessa had spent over forty-five minutes sharing Christmas memories. It was now past ten. 

A low gurgling noise filled the silent room for a brief moment, and the monotreme sat up to look at the teenager. “I’m not hungry.” Vanessa told him. Perry didn’t buy her story. He didn’t feel like eating either, but he tilted his head and put his hand on his stomach anyway.

Vanessa huffed. “Fine, we’ll get something to eat.” Perry and Vanessa left the bed and dug through the coolers in the corner. “What do you want, Perry? The last of Mrs. Flynn-Fletcher’s mashed potatoes and noodles, or Mrs. Graham’s taco salad from last night?"

When Perry pointed to Linda’s dish, Vanessa smirked.  Perry looked at her inquisitively. “Oh, you know. It makes sense you’d choose to eat the last of the old dish before it, you know, spoils or something. You’re a pragmatic kind of guy. Platypus.”

They divided the last of the dish between them and heated their plates in the microwave down the hall before returning to Vanessa’s cot.

“Has Dad told you about the Whale Lady?” Vanessa asked the platypus between bites. Perry nodded. He knew her name was Elizabeth but, having no effective way to communicate that with Vanessa, decided to let it slide.

“I assumed he had. Dad dated her for around six months. That is a long time, for him. I still have a few whale-themed things she gave me stuffed under my bed.”

“Since the divorce, I’ve been given the ‘Vanessa, I want to introduce you to someone _very important’_ speech quite a few times. Mom’s given it twice. She dated a guy named Pedro throughout most of my elementary school years. I met him when he decided to ‘join us for breakfast’ one morning. Then she started dating Sam when I was in eighth grade.”

“I’ve heard it from Dad, too. The Whale Lady, the Peanut Butter Lady, the Lady with Bright Orange Stilettos- I really can’t be bothered to remember their names. A few dates go well and Dad thinks he’s found love. He gives the speech less and less often as time goes on. I don’t really take it seriously when he gives it anymore. The only time he’s given that speech and the individual _actually_ became important was when he introduced me to you.”

Perry could remember that day, two weeks into his nemesis-ship, when he had been trapped in a wicker basket and introduced to a very confused thirteen year old girl. Heinz had been so giddy as he sat the child down in the chair opposite the basket and explained, “Vanessa, I want to introduce you to someone _very important_. This is my nemesis, Perry the Platypus!” It had taken so long for the scientist to fully explain the concept that he had needed to postpone his actual scheme until the next day.

“Remember the Tie-Dye-Inator?” Vanessa asked. Perry smiled. That had been the very first scheme the girl had helped Heinz with. “You looked so silly with patchy pastel fur! And then you hit Dad’s lab coat. And the building. It was amusing until Dad accidentally turned my dress yellow and lime green.”

Perry sat his plate down and imitated using a big fire hose. “Oh, the Fire-Hydrant-Erupt-Inator! Yes, I remember that. Back when Uncle Roger was on the town council and was campaigning to add more hydrants. And Dad… yeah, he wanted to make hydrants look dangerous so that the other council-people would think his ideas were bad for Danville. Yeah, that really backfired, didn’t it?”

They spent the next hour reminiscing about old –Inators that they had both witnessed. The Dial-Tone-Inator, the Weather-Man-Revenge-Inator, the Pick-‘Em-Up-Inator, the Screensaver-Inator, the Peach-Cobbler-Inator. They remembered the songs and the monologues. They dissected where each scheme had gone wrong, and what Heinz could have done to prevent his defeat. Perry was very thankful that Vanessa wasn’t seriously considering a career in Evil.

It was ten minutes till noon. They had expected Heinz’s surgery to be over by 11:15. Vanessa was clearly beginning to worry. She was leaning against the head board, still in her pajamas and hugging a pillow as she watched the clock.

They were discussing the scheme with the pigeons when Vanessa abruptly groaned and threw her pillow across the room. “Perry, I can’t wait any longer. I’m going to go find someone who knows something. And if they don't know anything, I'll give them a piece of my mind!”

Perry stood in front of her and waved his arms, frantically shaking his head ‘No’ at the suddenly irate teen.

“I mean it, Perry! I’m not doing this again. I’m not going to sit here and do nothing while _who-knows-what_ goes on behind closed doors! _You_ might be a good little sheep, happy to sit here and do as told until someone who thinks they’re better than you comes along to tell you what’s what. And I’m sure patience is a good thing. But I can’t tolerate just sitting here in the dark!”

The girl moved to get off the bed, but Perry gently grabbed her wrist and shook his head ‘No.’ Vanessa rolled her eyes. “You can’t make me stay, Perry.”

He could make her stay, of course, but he knew he wouldn’t. Perry would never, ever risk hurting Vanessa Doofenshmirtz. The monotreme cared for her far too much, almost like a fourth child, and Heinz might kill him if a deliberate choice ever caused Vanessa harm. If she was determined to harass the nurses then that was what she would do. Perry hoped only to discourage her.

The monotreme pointed to his wristwatch communicator, and switched the settings so that the digital display read “12:15 PM.”

“You want me to wait until Dad is an hour late?” Perry nodded. They stared at each other for a moment. “Oh, all right. Fine. They have twenty-five more minutes.” Vanessa stared at the clock angrily.

“You made me share all those memories as a way to get me to brainstorm for that essay, didn’t you, Perry the Platypus?” She ignored him when he tried to deny the accusation.

Watching Vanessa shoot daggers at the clock reminded Perry of how much he was dreading telling Vanessa what the Roddenstein boy had done to her room. They needed another distraction. Perry pointed to Vanessa’s copy of _Frankenstein_ on the table near her bed.

“Oh, this? I love the old gothic novels, and Mary Shelley is one of the most amazing people to ever live. Don’t tell Dad, but I’ve always been a sucker for stories about misguided scientists. But even without that, I love her work.”

“That actually reminds me of a cool little tradition Dad and I have had for these past few months. You helped inspire it, a little bit.” Perry quirked an eyebrow. “Remember the night you stayed for dinner and Dad made a spectacle of himself playing house? Well, every weekend I’m at his place we’ve been taking the time to share things with each other before bed.”

“On Friday nights I show him something I like that he has never experienced. Something I think he might appreciate. I’ve showed him movies and TV shows, and even played a few albums for him. Then on Saturday he shows something to me. Our only rule is that we have to be completely honest with each other. No pretending you don't like something to prove a point, no pretending to like something to spare feelings.”

“It has been hit and miss. He actually liked _The Scraping Fangs_ when he sat down and really listened, but he didn’t like _The Neurotoxins_. And I really liked _The Fiendish Barber_ musical, but thought _Super Nova! Fabulous Nova!_ was pretty lame.”

“The best part has been learning that we have more in common than I thought. Sometimes one of us will pull something out to present, only to find out that the other has already seen it! And we usually both like the things that overlap.”

“Sometimes he’ll get a bit upset, because he’ll have prepared a big ‘You are now old enough to see this’ speech only to discover that I watched it at Lacy’s house when I was younger. Not mad at _me._ At Lacy’s parents, I guess, for letting ten year old girls watch R rated movies alone in the basement.”

“Anyway, we actually do have a lot in common. I know! I had a hard time believing it, too! But we both like to mock cheesy black and white horror movies from the thirties and forties. We can both appreciate a good Film Noir Detective movie. I can even get behind Science Fiction, as long as it is serious and a bit gritty. I hate clichéd dialogue. I’ll never like soaps or fad blockbusters, and he’ll never get my Indie films and foreign mini-series; but we do have things we can agree on. He actually likes some really cool stuff, Perry, you wouldn’t believe it!”

Perry managed to look calm as he nodded his head and smiled slightly to encourage the teen to continue explaining what her father had shown her. On the inside, however, Perry was grinning. The monotreme was very proud of both father and daughter. He wanted Heinz to have a good relationship with Vanessa. He wanted them to be close, and he wanted Heinz to be able to see her more often. Each excited word seemed like a huge step in the right direction, and Perry was pleased.

Vanessa and Heinz had a lot in common, but they were very different people. Heinz was an optimist with extremely low self esteem, while Vanessa was an extremely self confidant pessimist. Combinations that were built on vastly different soil, but that could allow for the growth and development of eerily similar traits. One day, if they were lucky, the rift caused by the divorce would go away completely. They would reach a point of respect and mutual understanding that would allow for them to have a deeper bond. Perry was convinced he had witnessed the beginning of the process over the summer.

“Look who’s back!” Perry and Vanessa turned to see Hikari the nurse, followed by the posse of nurses and an insensible Heinz. Vanessa got off the bed and walked beside her father’s gurney as he was wheeled to his normal bed, shooting questions at the nurses and demanding their answers be specific. Perry stayed on Vanessa’s cot and monitored the situation more remotely.

“I know that took longer than we had predicted-” Hikari told Vanessa after Heinz had been returned to his bed, “but you would rather we do a thorough job and solve all the problems, correct?”

Hikari explained to them that Heinz had more plaque build up than anticipated, and how the anesthesia had caused Heinz to develop a slight apnea that had worried them briefly. However, he had stabilized and his body had started functioning more normally.

“He’ll be drowsy most of the day. But he should be alert tomorrow! And if all goes well, we plan to discharge him in the late afternoon tomorrow.” Perry hopped on the floor and tipped his hat at the nurse.

As the nurses left, the lady Vanessa had confronted on the first night paused in the doorway. “You shouldn’t let the platypus on his bed. Those wounds will heal better in a sterile environment.” She left and closed the door before Vanessa could respond.

“Krkrkr!” Perry tried to calm Vanessa before climbing into the nearby chair.

“Really? You’re going to exile yourself onto that grungy chair?”

Perry nodded. He hadn’t appreciated the nurses’ tone, but he didn’t want Heinz to get infected. Hospitals were filthy. The man was already risking all sorts of rare, terrifying diseases by being operated on in a bacterial mating ground. Perry knew he was an animal, and he knew animal fur wasn’t the healthiest thing to expose to individuals who were sick or injured.

“Suit yourself.” Vanessa told him. She was generous enough to give him a sheet to place on the dirty cushion.

Vanessa talked to Heinz until he came around. He was very groggy. They held an almost unintelligible conversation for five minutes until Heinz returned to sleep. Was anesthesia supposed to have effects that lingered this long?

Once or twice an hour, Heinz would wake up enough to talk with Vanessa. Each time he stayed awake longer, and was more alert. As he slept, Perry and Vanessa continued their conversation. In the late afternoon the monotreme made sure the sixteen year old ate.

It was 6:00 when Heinz became aware enough to fully realize where he was, and that both Vanessa and Perry had waited for him. The medication had taken a toll. It was difficult to watch a usually articulate man stumble through sentences with slurred, delayed speech.

“Perry, you can go.”

The monotreme tilted his head inquisitively.

“He’s going to sleep the rest of the day. I can handle that. You’ve been here for a long time, Perry. I can tell you’re tired. You were here for him, and _he knows_ you were here for him. He won’t mind, as long as you stop by when he’s better tomorrow.” Perry hesitated.

“I can do this, Perry. I’ll be fine. Trust me.”

Perry gave an affirmative nod and took one last look at his nemesis before hoping off the chair. Before he could move for the door, Vanessa had reached out and lifted him off the ground.

“I’m sorry if I was a bit harsh today.” She told him as she gave him a tight hug. Perry patted her shoulder. “Thanks, Perry. For listening. For being here. For… everything. I’m really glad that you’re _‘very important.’”_

Perry wrapped his arms around the girl's neck, and the hug lasted for several minutes. When he was returned to the floor, he turned and left without letting Vanessa see his face.


End file.
